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Being Quiet

AnnieH

I've always been  quiet and would describe myself as very introverted. As a child my school reports all highlighted this as a negative thing; "too quiet" or "needs to talk more in class". I was often mute in certain situations. In day to day life I can talk fine when I need to but it is usually just to get a fact across to someone or to talk about something that interests me. I don't embellish things. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to talk for the sake of talking. It's just how I am and that's fine.

But.

In society it seems being quiet is a 'bad thing' in many situations. In particular it becomes a real obstacle to building friendships in real life. I have had two good friends in my life (a school friend many years ago, and currently my husband) and my lack of social chit chat never bothered either of them). Recently I joined a local walking group in the hope I might meet one or two like minded people to connect with as I am frequently lonely these days.

It's taken a LOT of mental effort to do this and to push through my social anxiety. Conversing with strangers about nothing in particular has been excruciatingly awkward but I've managed it without having a meltdown during or afterwards which I am pleased about...but this week was a bit different.

One of the walk leaders turned to me at the start of the walk and said 'you're a bit quiet there come and talk to me'. She was trying to be nice but it flipped a switch in my head and threw me off. I felt like a child again being told off for being me. I spent most of the rest of the walk trying not to show how upset I felt and two days later it's still affecting me.

It's upset me because I have been trying so hard to do all the things that I don't find easy and it feels as if it's still not enough. No one can see the Herculean effort it has taken to appear 'normal'. I feel as if being 'me' is not acceptable because; 

-It makes other people uncomfortable

-Other people think I'm not happy as I am

-If you don't fill a void with pointless chit chat there's something wrong with you

-Being quiet is a character flaw that I need to be coaxed out of.

It's made me want to withdraw from the world again. I wish I could be content without friends but it's annoyingly important to me.

  • in reply to Ausomely Autistic

    The Mr. Bean character never needed to be verbal and everyone got exactly what he was not talking about. I wonder if Rowan was trying to express more of his real self.

  • in reply to Roy

    I really like this quote from Rowan, very true. I think neurotypical people have very different social expectations.

  • My whole life I was labelled shy, quiet, too quiet, when in fact, these days I do talk more. However, even last month someone told I was as quiet as a mouse. In fact, I was not partaking in the conversation because I didn’t know them, I didn’t feel it necessary to butt in, and I was working!

    Back in 2012 “when I was diagnosed with social anxiety”, I had 1-1 CBT and the woman there helped me to understand that being quiet wasn’t a problem. That lots of people are quiet, or prefer to be quiet. And if anyone had an issue, it was the person complaining. She told me to come up with some responses for when people told me I was too quiet, or didn’t look happy, or wasn’t laughing enough. It was quite good to learn this, as from then on I started to not even care what others thought. 

    Since my ASD diagnosis is March, I just flat out tell people I’m not speaking becuase I don’t want to, or don’t need to. 
    As for friends, I can do very well without them,  in fact, I do better without them, but that’s something I’ve had to learn over the last twenty or so years. I had always thought I’d done something wrong, or hadn’t been good enough when I lost friends. I no longer spend my time trying to appease people, and do what they like, and nod in agreements when I don’t  agree etc,,,

    Perhaps one day I’ll find someone nice I can do the odd activity or day out with, but day to day conversation, texting, calling and expectation isn’t my thing. 

  • in reply to AnnieH

    Hi, There is an old proverb, 

    empty vessels make the most noise!

  • I completely agree. It's always seen that quiet is a bad thing. That there's something wrong with it. This was pointed out to me time and time again as a child such as at school or other people which weren't my family. Not in what was said but how it was said.

    I do think it's in our evoluntionary nature to talk...otherwise we wouldn't make connections with people. But it has to be talking about the right things.

    Some cultures extroversion is seen as more positive, whereas other cultures favour a more introverted nature.

    The truth is we need all sorts of people whether loud or quiet. Variety is the spice of life. On the one hand I do wish sometimes people would just shut up. On the other hand they give me ideas for things to talk about and keep conversations going.

    There's nothing wrong with being quiet. Some of our great performers I think are actually quite introverted.

  • in reply to Martin

    I've not mentioned it for a while, the book I recommend to people as a workshop manual or "primer" for normie world..

    It's "games people play" by Eric Berne, and it saved my **** when I was lost as a young man..

  • Social chit-chat is the price that is paid for interacting with neurotypical people, by that I mean society as a whole. It can be done, I do it, I ask about people's children, that I have never met and care nothing about, and I have a good line in 'weather talk' for use in lifts and suchlike places. It seems to be a non-negotiable facet of relating to people. I had episodes of selective mutism as a child, was the 'quiet one' in class and I do not find it easy to chatter away; but, like making eye-contact, I have learned to do it and it has paid dividends in making and maintaining friendships. I am in weekly contact with two friends I made at school, when we were fourteen.

  • I wish I had your problem, sometimes I just can't shut up!