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Being Quiet

AnnieH

I've always been  quiet and would describe myself as very introverted. As a child my school reports all highlighted this as a negative thing; "too quiet" or "needs to talk more in class". I was often mute in certain situations. In day to day life I can talk fine when I need to but it is usually just to get a fact across to someone or to talk about something that interests me. I don't embellish things. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to talk for the sake of talking. It's just how I am and that's fine.

But.

In society it seems being quiet is a 'bad thing' in many situations. In particular it becomes a real obstacle to building friendships in real life. I have had two good friends in my life (a school friend many years ago, and currently my husband) and my lack of social chit chat never bothered either of them). Recently I joined a local walking group in the hope I might meet one or two like minded people to connect with as I am frequently lonely these days.

It's taken a LOT of mental effort to do this and to push through my social anxiety. Conversing with strangers about nothing in particular has been excruciatingly awkward but I've managed it without having a meltdown during or afterwards which I am pleased about...but this week was a bit different.

One of the walk leaders turned to me at the start of the walk and said 'you're a bit quiet there come and talk to me'. She was trying to be nice but it flipped a switch in my head and threw me off. I felt like a child again being told off for being me. I spent most of the rest of the walk trying not to show how upset I felt and two days later it's still affecting me.

It's upset me because I have been trying so hard to do all the things that I don't find easy and it feels as if it's still not enough. No one can see the Herculean effort it has taken to appear 'normal'. I feel as if being 'me' is not acceptable because; 

-It makes other people uncomfortable

-Other people think I'm not happy as I am

-If you don't fill a void with pointless chit chat there's something wrong with you

-Being quiet is a character flaw that I need to be coaxed out of.

It's made me want to withdraw from the world again. I wish I could be content without friends but it's annoyingly important to me.

Parents

  • I had that at school too, back in the Nineties. In one of my my A-level English classes (we had two for some reason) the young teacher seemed to resent my being quiet (I still listened attentively and politely and got the courseworks in on time) to the point where she would make me speak when I didn't want to. She told my parents at a teacher-parent night that it amused her to unsettle me from my comfort zone and see how long it took me to go red. They rightly pulled her up on this - why was that a priority for her if I was doing OK? 

    My other English teacher - an older lady, and much nicer - totally different story. She met me on my own terms, could see as was introverted but saw it as no problem, gave me excellent marks and feedbacks in essays, etc. I suppose she was more experienced, wiser. But I looked forward to her class, dreaded the other. my favourite subject in both scenarios and yet it was polar opposites. 

    The younger teacher didn't stay long in the profession, maybe she sensed it wasn't for her and it was making her vindictive. She went on to join Riverdance as a professional dancer I heard later. That's neither here nor there, I'm drifting. 

    Anyway, I understand exactly how that goes with someone's well meaning but unconsciously judgemental comment leaving you in a disguised mental spiral and feeling like you lost the good of the experience as a result. Wish I had some helpful advice to offer, my empathy (for what it's worth) will have to do instead. A small number of good friends could make a huge difference to you, so please don't give up and I hope finding the right circle helps you get the right equilibrium of decreased loneliness but an increased resilience to the unfortunately inevitably triggering things that less sensitively attuned, if well-meaning, people can say. Or rather, that you find people who are senstitive enough to do that less often, because they more or less get you and accept you on your own terms. 

Reply

  • I had that at school too, back in the Nineties. In one of my my A-level English classes (we had two for some reason) the young teacher seemed to resent my being quiet (I still listened attentively and politely and got the courseworks in on time) to the point where she would make me speak when I didn't want to. She told my parents at a teacher-parent night that it amused her to unsettle me from my comfort zone and see how long it took me to go red. They rightly pulled her up on this - why was that a priority for her if I was doing OK? 

    My other English teacher - an older lady, and much nicer - totally different story. She met me on my own terms, could see as was introverted but saw it as no problem, gave me excellent marks and feedbacks in essays, etc. I suppose she was more experienced, wiser. But I looked forward to her class, dreaded the other. my favourite subject in both scenarios and yet it was polar opposites. 

    The younger teacher didn't stay long in the profession, maybe she sensed it wasn't for her and it was making her vindictive. She went on to join Riverdance as a professional dancer I heard later. That's neither here nor there, I'm drifting. 

    Anyway, I understand exactly how that goes with someone's well meaning but unconsciously judgemental comment leaving you in a disguised mental spiral and feeling like you lost the good of the experience as a result. Wish I had some helpful advice to offer, my empathy (for what it's worth) will have to do instead. A small number of good friends could make a huge difference to you, so please don't give up and I hope finding the right circle helps you get the right equilibrium of decreased loneliness but an increased resilience to the unfortunately inevitably triggering things that less sensitively attuned, if well-meaning, people can say. Or rather, that you find people who are senstitive enough to do that less often, because they more or less get you and accept you on your own terms. 

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