Earliest Memory

Having now been a member of the NAS Community for approximately a fortnight, I thought it was about time I got around to starting a discussion, as opposed to simply commenting on discussions started by other members.

The following is an event that happened more than 40 years ago (before anyone knew I was autistic), which I remember in full technicolour glory...

As I had no siblings, my mother had been keen to socialise me with other children before I started nursery school, so had taken me to a playgroup. I guess this means that I would have been aged about 3 or 4 years old.

The playgroup was in a room at the town's rugby club, and the rugby club was located in the town's large park, where there was also a leisure centre and outdoor ski slope.

I remember walking into this room (the playgroup), and my senses being hit by an overwhelming and unpleasant smell of plasticine, along with other smells/odours that I considered equally as unpleasant.

Some of the children were playing together, whilst others were playing on their own. My mother was keen for me to join them, but I didn't want to and refused to leave her side. The more she and the playgroup staff attempted to persuade me to join the other children, the more I protested and insisted that I wanted to be taken back home. Being in this strange and unfamiliar environment was just too traumatic for me. In hindsight, I guess I'd displayed all the hallmarks of an autistic meltdown.

Fortunately (for me), I had caused my mother so much stress that day that she never attempted to take me back to that playgroup.

If you are on the spectrum, do you have any vivid memories of early childhood?


Edited to add: I thought I would ask this question because I sometimes wonder if those of us who are on the Spectrum are better at remembering events from our early childhood.

Also, if your memories are traumatic, please don't feel obliged to share them unless you feel comfortable doing so.

Parents
  • Hi, do you find a common thread though the replies. For late diagnosed or late self diagnosed people, we still seem to have issues with how our parents treated us.The unhelpful awkward, needy and “don’t show me up” comments live with us. I know the parents had no more idea than we had.

    I find that I just can’t gell with my remaining parent my mother. I don’t blame her for my childhood but I just can’t forgive. I find showing emotion very difficult, I’m either a mess of emotions or nothing, there is no grey I suppose. I just don’t have any love for her. I know That sounds horrible but I can’t be what I’m not. I suppose I feel let down, the memories of all the things that happened in childhood and there was no one who could help.

  • Interesting that you should ask that question Roy. Since engaging with the forum, I have noticed that a good many members have issues with their parents and other family members, especially those diagnosed or self-diagnosed later on in life. To be honest, I think it was the early 90's when I first started to hear about Autism, which I'm sure was only because some doctor had incorrectly claimed the MMR vaccine was causing Autism and it had made headline news.

    There has always been a personality clash between myself and my mother, but I rarely had any issues with my dad, even though he didn't always understand me, and I didn't always understand him. I think I can relate to what you say about how your feel about your mother. It doesn't make you a bad person, as not everyone has close relationships with their parents. Since my dad died, I've had very little to do with my mother. I just don't have the patience for her and cannot stand to be in her company now.

Reply
  • Interesting that you should ask that question Roy. Since engaging with the forum, I have noticed that a good many members have issues with their parents and other family members, especially those diagnosed or self-diagnosed later on in life. To be honest, I think it was the early 90's when I first started to hear about Autism, which I'm sure was only because some doctor had incorrectly claimed the MMR vaccine was causing Autism and it had made headline news.

    There has always been a personality clash between myself and my mother, but I rarely had any issues with my dad, even though he didn't always understand me, and I didn't always understand him. I think I can relate to what you say about how your feel about your mother. It doesn't make you a bad person, as not everyone has close relationships with their parents. Since my dad died, I've had very little to do with my mother. I just don't have the patience for her and cannot stand to be in her company now.

Children
  • I am fairly sure my dad was NT. I don't know if it was simply a good father-daughter bond, but we mostly got on. After he retired, he would often vent to my son and me about my mother. He did it in a way that was often amusing and made us laugh. If my mother upset me, he would often end up telling her to back off and give me some space. As for my mother, I strongly suspect that she is Autistic, along with her siblings and some of my cousins. A hereditary link, as my gran had traits too.

    It sounds as though you had a lovely relationship with your dad. I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world when my dad died (still does). Quite often when my mother is driving me ever closer to insanity, I will find myself inwardly pleading with him to come back and rescue me. I imagine him giving me a wink, chuckling away, and saying, "Sorry, I put up with her for 40+ years, she's your problem now!" 

  • Yes, I was the same with my father, he died 6 years ago, I never realised how much he carried me in life. He was my business partner as well. I could just work on my own, at my own speed and he kept Joe Public away from me. I’ve talked over with my wife about the fact that he was almost certainly autistic, she totally agrees. He would have outburst because he couldn’t process something, wouldn’t ever try new foods and had dysgraphia the same as me. He hated holidays as do I as routine and surroundings are different. I miss him everyday. He always forgave me anything, my mother would berate my for months over what I was actually struggling with. The same as you, I will visit my mother occasionally but my wife knows that I’m climbing the walls.

    strange how in America covid vaccines are now getting linked to autism with no foundation.