Earliest Memory

Having now been a member of the NAS Community for approximately a fortnight, I thought it was about time I got around to starting a discussion, as opposed to simply commenting on discussions started by other members.

The following is an event that happened more than 40 years ago (before anyone knew I was autistic), which I remember in full technicolour glory...

As I had no siblings, my mother had been keen to socialise me with other children before I started nursery school, so had taken me to a playgroup. I guess this means that I would have been aged about 3 or 4 years old.

The playgroup was in a room at the town's rugby club, and the rugby club was located in the town's large park, where there was also a leisure centre and outdoor ski slope.

I remember walking into this room (the playgroup), and my senses being hit by an overwhelming and unpleasant smell of plasticine, along with other smells/odours that I considered equally as unpleasant.

Some of the children were playing together, whilst others were playing on their own. My mother was keen for me to join them, but I didn't want to and refused to leave her side. The more she and the playgroup staff attempted to persuade me to join the other children, the more I protested and insisted that I wanted to be taken back home. Being in this strange and unfamiliar environment was just too traumatic for me. In hindsight, I guess I'd displayed all the hallmarks of an autistic meltdown.

Fortunately (for me), I had caused my mother so much stress that day that she never attempted to take me back to that playgroup.

If you are on the spectrum, do you have any vivid memories of early childhood?


Edited to add: I thought I would ask this question because I sometimes wonder if those of us who are on the Spectrum are better at remembering events from our early childhood.

Also, if your memories are traumatic, please don't feel obliged to share them unless you feel comfortable doing so.

  • like sharp metal claws?

    painted red, manager at my previous job had something like that, 

    I take it as a warning sign now

    after a month of everyday 15min long following me when I was trying to work and nagging ''assistant manager is a nice person'', over and over, and over, she made me go meltdown in a middle of a shopping floor, and next day I had disciplinary for being disrespectful to her. alll I did (except it wasn't me) was running around the pallet and shouting ''I believe you'' over and over for at least a minute, so I probably repeated it 1000 times.

    and she smiles like alien opening outer jaw and moving inner jaw out to bite by stretching lips out so much you can see gumline around her teeth

    I'm still having nightmares about it over a year later

  • Oh dear! When I was younger I didn't mind being tickled, but after a certain point, I would find it unbearable and start crying because it would almost feel like a form of torture. I'm guessing the nursery teacher had long fingernails for them to have felt like sharp metal claws?

    Your happy memory sounds wonderful, and I'm glad it makes you smile. It made me smile too. Relaxed

  • I have an early memory of nursery school; I have no memory of the other children however I remember the nursery teacher had placed me on her knee, facing away from her and was 'tickling' my sides. It felt like she had sharp metal claws on the end of her fingers. I remember having a complete meltdown about it and screaming my head off. I distinctly remember her saying to me something along the lines of 'for goodness sake, I was only tickling you!).

    My next memory is of me sitting in a room with my Mum and presumably the head of the nursery. I don't remember what was said but my Mum subsequently never sent me back there. Not sure if that was the nursery's decision or my Mum's though. I have never been comfortable about being touched.

    A happier early memory is of sitting on a local beach stuffing my face with cake when I was maybe 2 years old. I vividly remember my Mum saying to my Dad, 'quick, get the camera'. I still have that picture. It makes me smile looking at it.

  • Chopin for The Interceptor apparently, knew I would have one of them wrong! 

  • Sorry Kitsune I’d not fully processed what you’d said when I kind of pondered what you’d already confirmed. Thanks SparklingAutistic for highlighting K’s post. 

  • Oh the Ski Sunday theme was great. Hadn’t realised it was a Bach tune adapted that’s cool. Wasn’t Juliet Bravo one of his as well? And maybe The Interceptor? (Kind of like Hunted but early 90s) Or was that another composer? Adapting the classics for theme tunes was obviously in vogue for a while! 

    Glad to hear your parents got their dream holidays later on. We never went far either. Donegal most years. Hard to beat in many ways though. 

  • In case you missed this

    typically autistic people can access earlier memories than NTs due to differences in the way that we store our memories

    One of the earworms I often have is of the BBC Ski Sunday theme tune Pop Looks Bach. Having listened to Heartsong by Gordon Giltrap, it is unfamiliar to me. However, this may well be because money was tight, and my parents had no desire to be reminded of holidays they could only dream of... I should add that they made up for it later in life. Slight smile

  • Thinking about 'I sometimes wonder if those of us who are on the Spectrum are better at remembering events from our early childhood...' I wonder if as much as anything it's that we might have more capacity for recalling not events themselves so much as the inner thought processes and emotional processing/interiority that went along with them.Or even spontaneously manifested out of an already rich inner life.I can for instance recall - again aged 3 or 4- the first instance of experiencing an earworm (tune remaining stuck in one's head and going in a loop) and a kind of detached curiosity as I walked to play-school about the fact that it was still going round in my brain from the night before despite having slept in between. The piece of music in question was Heartsong by Gordon Giltrap, aka (as I would have vaguely known it then) the theme tune to Holiday 1980/81 - a staple of the BBC in those days. Anyway, I still have a fairly vivid recall of that outwardly unremarkable/unobservable/invisible bit of discovering that the mind could do that. Autistic people are a bit more in their heads from early on I suppose, so holding onto a 'recording' of a subtle but importantly nuanced bit of early inner life might be, for us, as likely as doing so for an external event and the resultaant reactive/associated thoughts and feelings. Maybe? 

  • I hope I haven’t set you both up for disappointment! 

  • Ha, well if you insist…

    It’s a rumour that’s been on the go for about two months. Initially there was, and remains, a lot of scepticism about it but one or two very reliably connected sources (having laughed it off to begin with) are now saying it’s almost certainly true. What they’re unclear on is whether it’s a brief return as the 10th Doctor  for the 60th special next year, or if he’d be playing a 14th Doctor with a totally different personality, accent, costume etc. before handing over a year or so later to a 15th Doctor possibly already cast. 

    A ratings bounce year might reproduce the effect of Eccleston’s springboard season so it would make a kind of sense. 

    Especially as the Oct 2022 special was for a time going to be winding the show down for the foreseeable (hence the 80s companions coming back for one last bow, bookending some milestone returns from the 60s and 70s  with a final mirroring as they put it to bed) but good old RTD has saved the day. Hopefully he’ll work his magic once again and get the shows mojo fully back. 

  • Thank you for sharing that memory Steve M. I'm younger than you and whilst I can remember hanging my coat on a peg at the schools I attended, I wouldn't have a clue as to whether there had ever been any pictures on them, and if so, what the pictures would have featured.

  • I remember my first day at school including the pictures on the clothes pegs. Mine was a giraffe.  I’m 62 now and struggle to remember what I had for breakfast most days but remember school stuffGrinning

  • He should have used GIMP to cut the section with the address.

  • You say there is a rumour of Tennant returning? Now, I am interested, even if it is only briefly. Wink

    No need to apologise for going off-topic. I do it too, as do others, so you're in good company.

  • Aw, I'm glad you listened and liked it - good of you to take the time to do so as well. Sky were definitely something special, the way they fused classical sounds with something more of the time. You have to admire any group that says 'let's have a harpsichord and electric guitar duet on this 'solo'' (a different track) and somehow make it work! 

    I can understand your interest waning of late with Doctor Who. Jodie herself is great, but the present showrunner hasn't matched the nuance and deeper emotional resonance/complexity that Russell T. Davis and later Stephen Moffat brought to it. He's done his best under trying production circumstances, but despite the 2021 run being a marked improvement there are still real low points like Easter Sunday's mess of an episode. But I hope you'll give it another go next year, as RTD is coming back as showrunner again - so maybe it can hit those Eccleston/Tennant heights for you again. In fact there's a rumour that Tennant might be briefly returning before the next full-time Doctor takes over, so...

    Anyway, I've derailed this a bit off-topic. Apologies. I can sometimes get a bit tangent-y without meaning to. 

  • All I can remember from the earlier days of Doctor Who is that I would hide behind a cushion as soon as I saw the Daleks. I was terrified of them! It was only really when Doctor Who returned with the Ninth Doctor (Christopher Ecclestone) that I got into it. When the Tenth Doctor came along, I HAD to watch, partly because I found David Tennant easy on the eye (Ahem!). I stuck with it right up until the Thirteenth Doctor (Jodie Whittaker). Whilst I thought she was great, I somehow started to lose interest.

    I googled Carillon by Sky and listened to it on YouTube. I was glad I did, as I like classical music and also rock music, and enjoyed hearing it. Had you not mentioned it, I would not have done that, so thank you. 

  • Ah, well I have to confess that I have no talent whatsoever in that regard. I just, er, looked it up. It never got a repeat showing (until UK Gold in the Nineties I think) so it had to be when it first went out. I mean I remembered more broadly that  it would have been October, as I'm enough of a nerd to know broadly months each story got broadcast across etc. And it was an atypically short episode (19 mins - an underrun they had to get special permission for as that was very frowned upon) so I just took the start time and counted forward to about minute 16/17 :-)

    I'm envious of those with idetic memories. Oddly, for special interest related stuff I have good powers of long-term retention. Anything else, anything practical - atrocious. 

    My granny could do exactly what you describe of your relative - she died aged 96 ast year and until nearly the very end had perfect recall of all that kind of stuff: family, friends, community all filed precisely in her memory. I can't even remember the names of 90% of the people I went to school with. And almost as few faces. 

    Maybe it's embarrassing that even my next earliest memories are mostly of watching Who as well: bits of stories from Peter Davison's first season in the role. Still my favourite era of the show (still feels like a weird dream that Tegan - my all-time fave companion) is coming back in Jodie's final episode!)

    Sandwiched somewhere in the middle though is this very vivid memory of sitting on the living room carpet (probably with a toy or two) with a bit of warm sunlight coming in, and my mother putting on a record. The piece of music was beautiful and, aged 3 or 4, gave me my first experience of something perhaps best described as pleasant melancholy - the sudden conscious recognition that wistfulness/sadness/tenderness could be a rich and intoxicating experience, if a bit overwhelming! This was felt - privately- rather than expressed in tears or anything and of course I had no access to a vocabulary that would have let myself internally articulate it to myself in the way I just have. Anyway, the record was in our house for years and I saved it from the skip not too long ago, even though I've long since downloaded it (minus the warm crackle of vinyl though, sadly). 

    The track is called Carillon, by Sky, and remains one of my all time favourite pieces of music. I got the sheet music for it a little while ago and can now play a simple version of it on the piano. On the days I can handle that much nostalgia that is! 

    Just adding that I enjoyed your relating of your own earliest memories - I can remember that similar 'assault on the senses' feeling of the first days at play school - the smell of wood floors and plasteceine and poster paints, very similar to your own experience. There was a big wooden slide there too which I vividly recall going down. It's still there actually (the exact same slide), and the place feels/smells the same even now. I picked my nephew up from it a year or so back a couple of times before he went to 'big school' 

  • Wow! I am so impressed that you can remember the precise date, and also the time. Thank you for sharing that memory Shardovan.

    Are you one of those people that excels at remembering things like phone numbers? I have a relation who can go through the extended family tree and list the dates that everyone was born, got married, died, etc. The extended family tree is vast, and this is a person that is now in their nineties. I honestly don't know how they can remember all that information so easily.

  • I'm in the rare position of being able to put an exact(ish) time and precise date to my earliest memory. 18th Oct 1980, a fraction after 6 pm. Watching the penultimate scene of the 1980 Doctor Who story Meglos in the house I lived in until I was seven. I was five days past my third birthday. I'm a lifelong DW fan, so there's something comforting looking back to my earliest memory and the Doctor already being there for me.