Driving

Who drives? :) I passed my test when I was 21, by a miracle I think as I'm a shockingly bad driver lol but somehow I did pass. I find driving incredibly stressful and I haven't driven since I was 23 and not sure if I'll drive again tbh. My car just sits there year after year I should sell it really but it's one of those things where because it's mine I don't really want to get rid. And I might drive again one day who knows :)

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Jenny Butterfly over 2 years ago

I drive! But it's actually strange to hear myself saying that because, due to massive anxiety, I've had a very long and difficult relationship with driving.

I've also found that my driving-related anxiety nests within various other anxieties that, I think, are feeding on the same insecurities, which have probably built up from early childhood onwards. So, at it's core, it sits within what might be termed "generalised anxiety", my relationship with myself, others and the world. To summarise, I'm a generally anxious person who has also specialised in other anxieties and phobias - driving, public speaking, heights and spiders, to name other prominent ones.

My set piece on driving :) :-

For decades, in fact long before discovering I am autistic, I have had difficulties with driving. High anxiety, fear of judgement or possible confrontation from others, difficulty co-ordinating gears, speed and road position whist feeling very nervous, the pressure of knowing I wouldn't be able to access various opportunties in life without this skill, shame over the whole process taking an undue length of time (over 100 lessons initially to get me there), anxiety about travelling to new places, fear of doing something wrong (with possibly disastrous consequences) plus feeling very conspicuous in a large lump of metal on wheels (my mistakes can't be hidden - oh no!)

So... More detail on what I've found difficult about it and how I now cope with driving.

The worst first: I always had some very negative thoughts about driving. Like phones, cars were something I associated with other, more competent and confident people who somehow always knew how to cope and the underlying fear was actually of others' observations, judgements and evaluations and NOT the act of driving in itself. Just as others had judged my way of speaking, dressing and walking, I feared that being in a large metal object would simply draw additional attention, with which I felt I couldn't cope.

Because i was already feeling nervous (instructor watching me like a hawk plus other roadusers in the role of critical onlooker) this had a knock on effect on my ability to perform. What? You mean I've got to monitor my road position, remember to signal and gear up and down correctly at the same time as worrying intensely about what others might think and how they might respond?

And then, on top of that, the late night ruminations also crept in. This metal machine is dangerous! Can we really be expected to travel in close formation with other drivers, all making their individual decisions at speed and keep it safe? And i've got buy it, repair it, insure it and fill it with petrol too? How will I afford this?

Getting better: Because of my general anxiety, I always had an interest in self help literature and, gradually over time, this brought in to play. I got into the habit of doing a little cognitive therapy on myself. This fed into my repetitive thoughts about driving and my assessment of how realistic and/or useful they were. What was the worst that could happen and how might I mitigate against this? Were the onlookers necessarily critical or might they equally have been feeling supportive, glad for me taking the plunge or just simply absorbed in their own more immediate concerns? Could I break down the actual costs, set it all out, plan my budget and disarm the worry machine I'd built up in my head?

Transactional analysis and the concepts of reach-back and after-burn were also of some help here. I simply paid attention to my reach-back period (the length of time I worried in advance of something) and my tendency to allow something to burn and smoulder in my mind afterwards and used this awareness to help to bring it down. Meditation,chi kung and yoga also helped (plus included a little bit of breathwork that I could actually use before, during and after driving lessons). Of course, these also helped with my general anxiety and it was very useful to see my driving anxiety as simply a very prominent outcropping of this.

Passing the test and beyond: I had to get very specific about my difficulties and break down the "driving disabilty" into its constituent parts. I allowed for more driving lessons and budgeted accordingly. I acknowledged that this was something I found difficult and that this was perfectly acceptable and understandable. Also that there were some positives to my anxiety - it fed into a determination to practice more and learn as thoroughly as possible. Although I couldn't rule out every risk, I could bring it down to acceptable levels and stay as safe as possible.

I also chose a driving instructor who welcomed "nervous drivers" - not specific to autism, but given my own almost complete lack of awareness of autism back then in my 20s, this was as close as I could get. It helped. The instructor was patient and gentle in manner and also willing to talk things through and take it slowly.

A little bit of Paul McKenna - style mental preparation also helped. I picked a mixture of how I imagined the ideal confident person would behave, combined it with the persona of one of my most outgoing friends, and built up a very strong metal image. I then visualised myself stepping into this persona and making confident, rational decisions when driving. It was this which helped me pass the test. At each decision point I consulted this persona - in effect the driving instructor in my head. (NB These days that latter step bothers me a little because of the issue of masking and a strong preference to be my authentic self. So I'd probably step into the most confident, rational version of myself that I could muster).

After passing: I must confess i felt overwhelmed and didn't go back to driving for a while. Driving was actually a very big deal for me and took a LOT out of me. The sweat was actually running down the inside of my arms and dripping off my elbows by the time I came to the end of my test! But life moved on and I felt i wanted to go back to it. So I took a few refresher lessons then practiced on the routes i thought I'd use most frequently, beginning with off peak times and working my way up to the full rush hour experience.

I also de-skilled the process a little by moving from a manual to an automatic. This helped enormously as i felt my attention wasn't so divided - driving uses up my bandwidth at a tremedous rate and this is a precious commodity when I'm out there in the world! I then wondered why I hadn't simply learnt on an automatic in the first place!

The end result: I've been driving now since 1987 without incident. I can't say I really enjoy it, but sometimes I actually appreciate being in my own vehicle with my own choice of listening. One of my cars even became known as the "blue bubble of serenity" amongst my friends and family. It's true, i don't tend to drive in busy inner city areas (there are still buses, taxis and metro systems, after all!) I also walk whenever I can (much healthier). BUT, for those who either want or need to drive and find it difficult, I just want to say that it's perfectly possible to slay this particular monster. And good luck to you!

Plus, just to reassure you that this is VERY common and you're not on your own with it, I noticed that there are now more specialised driving instructors like this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S93scNE94Ho

Yo Samdy Sam also did a video on this subject, which you might find helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCIlxhhNHPI

Purple Ella too:

www.youtube.com/watch

Again, best of luck, whatever you decide. And, most importantly, can I close by saying that, even having written all of the above about my struggle, I firmly believe that it should feel absolutely OK not to drive. And even today, the thought still occurs - did I really need to go through all of that? It's been a process that's cost me dearly, in practical, emotional and financial terms. In the past my husband and I jokingly referred to my "driving disability" and together we've accommodated for this as far as possible. But actually, and ironically as I was calmly driving along yesterday, I think this HAS been quite disabling in my life and denied me access to various opportunties I might have like to take up, especially earlier in my life.

In previous times, when there were no or few cars, I wouldn't have felt disabled. In the future, if we get driverless cars or other alternatives, I wouldn't feel it either. And even currently, in large towns or cities with good transport links, I wouldn't feel it. In effect this means that I'm only disabled whenever and wherever the car culture prevails. And when I feel forced into doing something that i wouldn't naturally feel comfortable with. So... Should I really have felt compelled? Must everyone drive? Why isn't there more focus on the alternatives? Why can't we simply reduce the pressure on people to drive?
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Jenny Butterfly over 2 years ago

I drive! But it's actually strange to hear myself saying that because, due to massive anxiety, I've had a very long and difficult relationship with driving.

I've also found that my driving-related anxiety nests within various other anxieties that, I think, are feeding on the same insecurities, which have probably built up from early childhood onwards. So, at it's core, it sits within what might be termed "generalised anxiety", my relationship with myself, others and the world. To summarise, I'm a generally anxious person who has also specialised in other anxieties and phobias - driving, public speaking, heights and spiders, to name other prominent ones.

My set piece on driving :) :-

For decades, in fact long before discovering I am autistic, I have had difficulties with driving. High anxiety, fear of judgement or possible confrontation from others, difficulty co-ordinating gears, speed and road position whist feeling very nervous, the pressure of knowing I wouldn't be able to access various opportunties in life without this skill, shame over the whole process taking an undue length of time (over 100 lessons initially to get me there), anxiety about travelling to new places, fear of doing something wrong (with possibly disastrous consequences) plus feeling very conspicuous in a large lump of metal on wheels (my mistakes can't be hidden - oh no!)

So... More detail on what I've found difficult about it and how I now cope with driving.

The worst first: I always had some very negative thoughts about driving. Like phones, cars were something I associated with other, more competent and confident people who somehow always knew how to cope and the underlying fear was actually of others' observations, judgements and evaluations and NOT the act of driving in itself. Just as others had judged my way of speaking, dressing and walking, I feared that being in a large metal object would simply draw additional attention, with which I felt I couldn't cope.

Because i was already feeling nervous (instructor watching me like a hawk plus other roadusers in the role of critical onlooker) this had a knock on effect on my ability to perform. What? You mean I've got to monitor my road position, remember to signal and gear up and down correctly at the same time as worrying intensely about what others might think and how they might respond?

And then, on top of that, the late night ruminations also crept in. This metal machine is dangerous! Can we really be expected to travel in close formation with other drivers, all making their individual decisions at speed and keep it safe? And i've got buy it, repair it, insure it and fill it with petrol too? How will I afford this?

Getting better: Because of my general anxiety, I always had an interest in self help literature and, gradually over time, this brought in to play. I got into the habit of doing a little cognitive therapy on myself. This fed into my repetitive thoughts about driving and my assessment of how realistic and/or useful they were. What was the worst that could happen and how might I mitigate against this? Were the onlookers necessarily critical or might they equally have been feeling supportive, glad for me taking the plunge or just simply absorbed in their own more immediate concerns? Could I break down the actual costs, set it all out, plan my budget and disarm the worry machine I'd built up in my head?

Transactional analysis and the concepts of reach-back and after-burn were also of some help here. I simply paid attention to my reach-back period (the length of time I worried in advance of something) and my tendency to allow something to burn and smoulder in my mind afterwards and used this awareness to help to bring it down. Meditation,chi kung and yoga also helped (plus included a little bit of breathwork that I could actually use before, during and after driving lessons). Of course, these also helped with my general anxiety and it was very useful to see my driving anxiety as simply a very prominent outcropping of this.

Passing the test and beyond: I had to get very specific about my difficulties and break down the "driving disabilty" into its constituent parts. I allowed for more driving lessons and budgeted accordingly. I acknowledged that this was something I found difficult and that this was perfectly acceptable and understandable. Also that there were some positives to my anxiety - it fed into a determination to practice more and learn as thoroughly as possible. Although I couldn't rule out every risk, I could bring it down to acceptable levels and stay as safe as possible.

I also chose a driving instructor who welcomed "nervous drivers" - not specific to autism, but given my own almost complete lack of awareness of autism back then in my 20s, this was as close as I could get. It helped. The instructor was patient and gentle in manner and also willing to talk things through and take it slowly.

A little bit of Paul McKenna - style mental preparation also helped. I picked a mixture of how I imagined the ideal confident person would behave, combined it with the persona of one of my most outgoing friends, and built up a very strong metal image. I then visualised myself stepping into this persona and making confident, rational decisions when driving. It was this which helped me pass the test. At each decision point I consulted this persona - in effect the driving instructor in my head. (NB These days that latter step bothers me a little because of the issue of masking and a strong preference to be my authentic self. So I'd probably step into the most confident, rational version of myself that I could muster).

After passing: I must confess i felt overwhelmed and didn't go back to driving for a while. Driving was actually a very big deal for me and took a LOT out of me. The sweat was actually running down the inside of my arms and dripping off my elbows by the time I came to the end of my test! But life moved on and I felt i wanted to go back to it. So I took a few refresher lessons then practiced on the routes i thought I'd use most frequently, beginning with off peak times and working my way up to the full rush hour experience.

I also de-skilled the process a little by moving from a manual to an automatic. This helped enormously as i felt my attention wasn't so divided - driving uses up my bandwidth at a tremedous rate and this is a precious commodity when I'm out there in the world! I then wondered why I hadn't simply learnt on an automatic in the first place!

The end result: I've been driving now since 1987 without incident. I can't say I really enjoy it, but sometimes I actually appreciate being in my own vehicle with my own choice of listening. One of my cars even became known as the "blue bubble of serenity" amongst my friends and family. It's true, i don't tend to drive in busy inner city areas (there are still buses, taxis and metro systems, after all!) I also walk whenever I can (much healthier). BUT, for those who either want or need to drive and find it difficult, I just want to say that it's perfectly possible to slay this particular monster. And good luck to you!

Plus, just to reassure you that this is VERY common and you're not on your own with it, I noticed that there are now more specialised driving instructors like this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S93scNE94Ho

Yo Samdy Sam also did a video on this subject, which you might find helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCIlxhhNHPI

Purple Ella too:

www.youtube.com/watch

Again, best of luck, whatever you decide. And, most importantly, can I close by saying that, even having written all of the above about my struggle, I firmly believe that it should feel absolutely OK not to drive. And even today, the thought still occurs - did I really need to go through all of that? It's been a process that's cost me dearly, in practical, emotional and financial terms. In the past my husband and I jokingly referred to my "driving disability" and together we've accommodated for this as far as possible. But actually, and ironically as I was calmly driving along yesterday, I think this HAS been quite disabling in my life and denied me access to various opportunties I might have like to take up, especially earlier in my life.

In previous times, when there were no or few cars, I wouldn't have felt disabled. In the future, if we get driverless cars or other alternatives, I wouldn't feel it either. And even currently, in large towns or cities with good transport links, I wouldn't feel it. In effect this means that I'm only disabled whenever and wherever the car culture prevails. And when I feel forced into doing something that i wouldn't naturally feel comfortable with. So... Should I really have felt compelled? Must everyone drive? Why isn't there more focus on the alternatives? Why can't we simply reduce the pressure on people to drive?
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Deleted user over 2 years ago in reply to Jenny Butterfly

Understand completely with a lot of what you say above. When I passed my test I only drove every now and then, I found it to be an exhausting experience. And I only ever drove automatics I could never get to grips with doing the gears for some reason :) It's good you found an instructor who welcomed nervous drivers. I went through about 3 before I found the "one" who was like that.

Yep I was the same. Didn't always enjoy driving but did appreciate having my own space and my own music. In my own car I was in control and could choose the speed I did, have the sunroof open or the air con on. I always feel uncomfortable and anxious in someone else's car.

I tended to avoid the busier places as well. I went on the motorway once, big mistake and never again! I got so stressed and had to pull over several times. When I drove and if I drive again I will always avoid busy places and roads.

There is a lot of pressure to drive and there shouldn't be really. But my parents put loads of pressure on me to get my license. Personally I was happy walking or on the bus but at the time I was also working and needed a car to get there which is why I went for it in the end. As it happens I didn't really need to as I no longer can work and don't drive at all.
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