you can't the blame aspergers

I know quite a lot of christians and some of them are rather rigid in their way of looking at things, they have difficulty taking it in.  Some also go in for "telling off" as a way of dealing with people behaviour they don't agree with.  On the other hand some are also very kind and generous.  I would try and avoid some of these people. Yes writing the letter to your sister in law is a good idea.  But some are not really open to much learning.

Next time someone says this is not AS ask them what they think AS is, where are they getting their information from, because difficulty in communicating and making faux pas is a typical problem (it is the definition, I think)

Can I ask you if you swear at all?  Most christians don't like it.

Hi there,  

           You ask me what offends people & I can understand, I do say the most stupid things for example why don't you have more children ? or trying to talk to a busy person who doesn't want stop and chat.  I act as a child as i can talk to children easier than adults but as a 51 year old that's not easy espeically when the parents may think I 'm sex pervert or something else. This worried me at one point and had a chat to my GP who sent me to be accessed  by professinals who deal with that sort of thing. And when I told them I was a christian & my beliefs. They then told me that if i had not sexually assorted anyone already i would never do it.

            So when I talk to children they don't get offended as much as a adult does when I sound rude or stupid in what i say.   And it sounds like you child has the same problems as me, have you thought of someone who could take care of you son for a short rest bite care. ( the last part of that sentence would be the thing I would say without thinking and would affend that person.) 

            Thank you for listening at least I'm not alone.

peter0003 said:

Hi All,  

       There is a lot of other things about my asperger's I don't understand and how to get the message across to those people who need to know that I mean no harm when I talk to them.  Being unemployed does not help but I volunteer to do work for my church espeically in the grounds/garden and have had problems with other members of the church in what I have said to upset them. And then I'm told that I cannot blame it  on being one with aspergers, If not why not? It is the only reason I could give for the situation. I may not know what to say or not say, or even  when to  shut up.

        And my sister in law is a pain, she's a methodist minister and it she thinks she knows everything to with austism. Just because her friends son has autism she thinks she knows best for me and then thinks i'm stupid most of the time.  I  am 51 years old, have a house, can drive , use a PC & have problems with saving  money  I try to forget about her nagging.   any HELP would help.

Yours Peter0003

It is a two way process.  Yes, you cannot blame everything you do wrong or say wrong on Asperger Syndrome.  But likewise, people who know you must appreciate that Asperger Syndrome does affect how you communicate and relate to others and this can sometimes cause unintended offence and misunderstanding.  

I wanted to follow through with another angle on my last message. I do wonder if social stories and other support devices miss a trick.

It may be useful to tell people on the spectrum what messages other people send each other with their eyes and with facial expressions. I'm not sure it actually make it any easier to read this information in other people in reality.

More importantly it doesn't help aspies generate the necessary eye movements and facial expression to return confirming or denying messages.

I think the obsession with Social Stories does a lot of harm because it isn't helping people on the spectrum avoid social blunders.

Indeed it is just reinforcing insecurity and low self esteem. Maybe this should be a thread in its own right, but do people on the spectrum feel Social Stories and like methods helped them or made things worse?

I try to understand where offence arises and I think it is often more about other people's insecurities than mine. I'm trying to avoid the cliche "there's nothing wrong with me its everybody else that's the problem" where clearly if you've got aspergers syndrome it must be a factor. But it is worth considering that it is not all the aspie's fault.

Humans are social creatures that rely on a social structure which is part instinctive, part learned. They depend on this infrastructure working so they don't have to worry about procedure because people in social groups unconsciously support and redirect each other.

Having Aspergers means that you don't pick up on social cues, but rely on language. But also it means you don't generate the social cues others are looking for. So you cannot provide the intrastructure non-aspie's are expecting and they react to this. I think you can to some extent apologise if you inadvertently cause offence on the grounds you have trouble processing non-verbal or social information.

Fact is if you are struggling to conform to social cues and expectations, they have to work a bit harder to support you. Not much to expect really, but people are excessively (and obsessively) concerned with social intrastructure. One of the gifts of being aspie, you don't seem to need all that social grooming.

On religion I'm cautious. I know a lot of aspies find religion especially some Christian groups supportive. I think the problem is that it involves being way too literal about concepts that are, as has been pointed out, two thousand years in the past. This anachronism does not seem tio bother neurotypicals - I guess its a bit like being knowledgeable about football - its part of social approval, and you really mustn't suggest its all twaddle, however unrealistic and bizarre it may appear.

I have massive issues with religion and believe it is the root of a whole lot of evil. I have a friend who tells me church is there for all of those with sins to repent for - think he has a point there. and agree there is no bigger hypocrite than a "christian". 

This is an extract from my other posting:

I think one problem is that an Aspie who is aware of his/her issues doesn't want it to become an excuse for everything. Everyone, Aspie or not will have bad days and days when they are rude, insensitve, intolerant, accidentally offensive etc. and an Aspie, like anyone, has a concience, so will want to try to distinguish between 'normal' offences and those which he really couldn't avoid.  The alternative is just to put EVERYTHING down to Aspergers which is lazy and selfish, and does the condition a great dis-service and will harm other's understanding and tolerance of it.

Liken it to a physical disability. If someone has a wheelchair but some days can walk just fine with no harm or problem, but is just lazy so asks to be pushed around on those days, he's being selfish and 'abusing' his rights, which will lose sympathy for him and others who need help etc.

Followers of religion are the most ignorant people in society, these people live their life by a book that is thousands of years old and has been drained of truth due to retranslations, people changing stories and exaggerating facts, and the religious leaders deciding to change things to make leaders seem holy and leaving out important facts, this leaves nothing but a book of 99% lies. you should distance yourself from anyone involved in religion, all the great teachers taught that you are your own saviour. I am a genuis in religion and can tear apart their dogma in seconds. Jesus was a great man, sadly he has been hijacked by the church to make money, his image and character have been 'photoshopped', the miracles exagerrated and the real message obscured to leave a teaching that Jesus never taught and therefore is not 'christianity' as chrisitianity means teaching of christ. Modern chrisitianity breeds a gullible society where the answer to every question is god, faith and belief.

I'm often struck by how hypocritical those that claim to live by 'Christian, non-judgemental rules', as Aspie Mum puts it, really are.

Rise above it Peter.

Hi Peter0003, I think it is to do with the aspergers.  As you say, your sister thinks she knows more than she does.  If she knew enough she wouldn't accept that it didn't have anything to do with your autism.  She's probably got so used to things over the years that she's stopped understanding + learning about autism a long time ago.  As a Minister who people will go to for help + understanding I think you need to remind her that as her brother you also need support.  You could email her to explain or write things down to give to her if it's easier for you.  A better understanding would enable her,only with your permission of course, to explain to certain members of the congregation about aspergers.  

Hi Peter

do you know what it is that you say that offends people?

My son offends people when he is particularly stressed about things; I also know that he cant control his reactions. I am used to his outbursts but others arent. This morning, I took my son out for breakfast and I knew that he was stressed about something so I was ready for the difficult conversations we were going to have. When he is like this, everything seems to wind him up, and he makes comments about others around who he feels are saying or doing the wrong thing; obviously others hear what he is saying and it offends.

To be honest Peter, Im not sure what to do in these situations as it seems whatever I say or do increases his stress levels and he ends up shouting at me.

Needless to say breakfast was a disaster and I think that we managed 15 minutes before we had to leave.

Its always sad when family and friends dont understand that sometimes things are beyond control, especially when they live to Christian, non judgemental rules.

You can only do your best Peter do you have anyone who understands you?

If you can have a communication relationship with your sister in law, i.e loving relationship,, you can write her a letter to tell her how you are feeling, that will then rebalance the situation via probably a little sit down over a cup of tea.

The way you wrote this post is very clear and understanding, so if she has half brain and a bit of heart, she will understand too. All the best.