Published on 12, July, 2020
I've got a bit of a quandary.
I'm trying to contact people from my past that I've lost contact with to close some loops. One of these people is my sister's ex. He was in my life for 25 years and was always perfectly ok with me and my wife & daughter. He had his flaws, like most people, but on the whole, he was just a normal bloke. I helped him renovate their houses, we did lots of things together. The split was VERY, VERY nasty.
My sister was particularly manipulative and effectively, forced him to give up any right to see his daughter in exchange for not financially crippling him with maintenance. He had no choice but to agree. She even made it almost impossible for him to get birthday and Christmas presents to his daughter.
Now I'm not saying that he was a saint - but I have absolutely no axe to grind - their relationship was their problem.
This was all more than 15 years ago and we weren't able to see him after - we were not told anything about him or where he was living etc. We've moved a few times since so he won't know where we are.
Right now, because of my circumstances, I'd like to make contact with him just for closure and to bring him up to speed with my daughter (his only niece).
I asked my sister if she had any details - she denies any information (she's lying) and my brother, who lives 150 miles away and never witnessed any of it (whereas we saw it all breaking down and the lies that have been fabricated since) has taken my sister's edited and distorted version of the break-up as 100% true and is effectively calling me a traitor and I have no right to try to speak to the bloke.
What would be your views?
Sounds like you'd be wasting your breath trying to get details from your sister or anyone else within your family, and likely result in more friction. How about contacting some of the neighbours you mentioned from that time, see if they're still around? Maybe have a lead for you.
I have run into a similar situation several times where the women in my life decide to excommunicate someone and I've been forced to 'choose a side'. Lost out on having any kind of relationship with my grandfather from the age of about 7 or 8 until I visited him on his deathbed as a young adult. And again when my parents divorced, mother trying to poison my relationship with my dad (which was never great to begin with) by telling ridiculous lies about him. Some people can be very manipulative.
It's the choosing a side thing that annoys me - it's sooooo immature and insecure - if they weren't all telling lies than there would be no problems.
Unfortunately, the neighbours are 'this end' so they only know what happened to my sister - the ex was forced to move away.