Contacting People From Your Past

It's not burning me that much so I'm not going to that length - it's more the OTT reaction from my brother that upset me.

Cookiesmum1986 said:

Can you view your sisters friend list without adding her?

She excommunicated anyone from the past many years ago - there's no path..

They are able to find him because they have far more information than i do - all I know his name and his son's name - in their 15 years of continuous stalking, my sister knows about all the people linked to him, his new partner, his son's children's names etc.    I don't have a lot to go on.

It's the choosing a side thing that annoys me - it's sooooo immature and insecure - if they weren't all telling lies than there would be no problems.

Unfortunately, the neighbours are 'this end' so they only know what happened to my sister - the ex was forced to move away.

Sounds like you'd be wasting your breath trying to get details from your sister or anyone else within your family, and likely result in more friction.  How about contacting some of the neighbours you mentioned from that time, see if they're still around?  Maybe have a lead for you.

I have run into a similar situation several times where the women in my life decide to excommunicate someone and I've been forced to 'choose a side'.  Lost out on having any kind of relationship with my grandfather from the age of about 7 or 8 until I visited him on his deathbed as a young adult.  And again when my parents divorced, mother trying to poison my relationship with my dad (which was never great to begin with) by telling ridiculous lies about him.  Some people can be very manipulative.

I think you should write your neice a letter to be given her after your death. Or sacrifice your sister to relate to her now.

If you look on people's accounts on FB you can look at all their friends normally (depends on settings) as cookiesmum mentions. They can't tell you've done that. Check your sister and neices profile.

You could look for people he knew and then on their friends list.

If he's on FB he's findable, and if your sister stalks him he must be on one of the social medias. Get help from a twenty year old who's savvy with it. Add extra search items like towns. A few hours work max should crack it.

You could pay someone. Prob 2 hours work for a private investigator.

It wouldn't be worth it - she's expunged anyone who might link her to her past.   (friends are disposable to her - to be used and dumped)

There is another weak link - my niece - I know she has his details but I'm uncomfortable asking her - she's in her mid-20s but completely dominated and crushed by her mother and I think she's programmed to blab about any interactions with me.     (I mentioned above an incident where my niece contacted me to go out for lunch and started asking questions about her dad - that resulted in complete cut-off - no birthday cards, no Christmas cards or present for our daughter and ignoring us until she found out I was dying) - my niece wants to know the truth but is scared of her mum's wrath.

Can you view your sisters friend list without adding her? Depending on people's settings this might be possible

Unfortunately, all the places he worked at when I knew him are long gone and he only ever got to a middle-managment position so never popped up as a big name anywhere.

I've only just set up a facebook account to see if I could find him on there but its search function is useless and I'm not friending my brother or sister - they've made their positions very clear.

My sister always brags about how she still stalks him on social media to ridicule his life - but I have no actual details to be able to find him on my own.

Did he have a job that you could look on their website to see if he's still there? Or the sort of profession where you could search for him on a register (basically any health profession/social work) to get a general geographical area to look? 

Have you tried stalking your sisters friends social media to see if any of them are still in touch? 

I hear what your saying but my sister doesn't own me - but she thinks she can control everyone and lie to ease her life and to alienate anyone she dislikes.     She regularly stops talking to me if I don't jump to her demands fast enough.      I get used to being blanked for a year or so at a time.     She's only talking to me now because I'm dying and she's got a weird guilt complex..   I don't expect to hear from her for a few months now because I've gone against the party line.

My brother moved away from the area many years ago so knows only what my sister has told him -  heavily biased and twisted to her version of events.      Unfortunately, we were on the scene through the whole nasty period - the disturbances outside the neighbours, the shouting, the accusations, police being called to my mum's - but my sister has fabricated an entire false reality about it all.

My sister has blanked the old neighbours, my mum is long dead - so I'm the only weak point in her narrative..

I've tried every possible way to search for him but his name is so common - as is his son's - that it's a needle in a haystack -  there's nothing about him or details that' are unique enough to home in on.   In a way, he's in stealth mode  

Thanks - that's sort of how I feel - I can't just brush off people who were such an important part of my life just because others think they have the right to dictate who I'm allowed to talk to.    It's very controlling and insecure of them - I suspect my sister is scared that all of her lies will be exposed and she'll lose control of events (narcissists treat everyone as their personal puppet show under their control).

If I can't find him or if he doesn't reply, then at least I've acted honourably - if we do make contact, then I've no interest in picking the scab of my sister's relationship - it's purely for him to know I'm dying and how amazing his niece is.   Maybe chat about the old days - but I really don't want to discuss their breakup - it's ancient history.

I'm not sure asking a bunch of autists about how to navigate social relationships with your sister is going to get you sound advice!>). I.e. ignore anything I say.

This is tricky. I feel you had an independent relationship with him and should be able to engage with that, so yes, go ahead. But NTs, and actually ASs I know, expect you to take sides. My mother banned all of us from talking to her sister 12 or so years ago cos she fell out with her. I see her occasionally on the sly.

I think you should get in touch and express how you feel, ie what happened, how it impacted you, what you think went on to inhibit the relationship, and what you'd like now. You could say how the split impacted you, and on the relationship you had. My aunt apologised to me about things from 35 years ago and it had a profound impact on me. The past is closer than we think and hasn't gone away. It could be really validating for him to know people haven't swallowed your sister's story, esp given there's an estranged daughter involved.

I also think supporting your niece and validating her sentiments is important, more important. Even a trickier one. I try to validate the son of some friends who is pathologised by them without getting their backs up and losing contact with them and so him. Bloody hard! I have a friend in contact with an estranged patent in similar circumstances. And a friend who was esteanged from his three kids in a similar way ten years ago who thinks about them all the time, evety day.

I emailed the ex of a friend after they split after she'd been particularly messy. I said I didn't expect a repky. He didn't reply. But I'm glad I showed I cared.

There is a lot of hurt, and sounds like two people are paying more than their share. I'd contact him.

omg. your sister made her views known. you're going to cross her? i think it's sort of none of your business ---- i occasionally have given my sister and her family some advice, but that's about it. there are certain topics i stay clear of. they never take my advice anyway.

you can search for him using quotes, putting in key words. for example, for john smith, using quotes, using his initial, using places he's lived... should be possible. anything unique, like say he lived in --- tahiti or some town or street.... try those.

Thanks - unfortunately, his name is very common - almost a 'John Smith'  - so I can't track him down.

There's a complication - my niece (sister's daughter) has previously asked me to tell her about her dad - she is beginning to doubt the lies and contradictions that she's been fed since childhood.      My sister has painted him out as some kind of hardened criminal with dodgy connections.    It's all BS.    I get the feeling that my laughing at those mental images is responsible for my narcissistic sister to not talk to me for a year.

Have you tried searching for him on social media? If you guys had a good relationship I don't see the problem with sending him a message on SM. The benefit is if he doesn't want to connect then he can ignore the message or leave it a few days to think about what he wants to do if he's unsure. 

I don't bother with family politics and talk to who I like (and don't like) so can't help with that side of things.