Published on 12, July, 2020
I've got a bit of a quandary.
I'm trying to contact people from my past that I've lost contact with to close some loops. One of these people is my sister's ex. He was in my life for 25 years and was always perfectly ok with me and my wife & daughter. He had his flaws, like most people, but on the whole, he was just a normal bloke. I helped him renovate their houses, we did lots of things together. The split was VERY, VERY nasty.
My sister was particularly manipulative and effectively, forced him to give up any right to see his daughter in exchange for not financially crippling him with maintenance. He had no choice but to agree. She even made it almost impossible for him to get birthday and Christmas presents to his daughter.
Now I'm not saying that he was a saint - but I have absolutely no axe to grind - their relationship was their problem.
This was all more than 15 years ago and we weren't able to see him after - we were not told anything about him or where he was living etc. We've moved a few times since so he won't know where we are.
Right now, because of my circumstances, I'd like to make contact with him just for closure and to bring him up to speed with my daughter (his only niece).
I asked my sister if she had any details - she denies any information (she's lying) and my brother, who lives 150 miles away and never witnessed any of it (whereas we saw it all breaking down and the lies that have been fabricated since) has taken my sister's edited and distorted version of the break-up as 100% true and is effectively calling me a traitor and I have no right to try to speak to the bloke.
What would be your views?
I'm not sure asking a bunch of autists about how to navigate social relationships with your sister is going to get you sound advice!>). I.e. ignore anything I say.
This is tricky. I feel you had an independent relationship with him and should be able to engage with that, so yes, go ahead. But NTs, and actually ASs I know, expect you to take sides. My mother banned all of us from talking to her sister 12 or so years ago cos she fell out with her. I see her occasionally on the sly.
I think you should get in touch and express how you feel, ie what happened, how it impacted you, what you think went on to inhibit the relationship, and what you'd like now. You could say how the split impacted you, and on the relationship you had. My aunt apologised to me about things from 35 years ago and it had a profound impact on me. The past is closer than we think and hasn't gone away. It could be really validating for him to know people haven't swallowed your sister's story, esp given there's an estranged daughter involved.
I also think supporting your niece and validating her sentiments is important, more important. Even a trickier one. I try to validate the son of some friends who is pathologised by them without getting their backs up and losing contact with them and so him. Bloody hard! I have a friend in contact with an estranged patent in similar circumstances. And a friend who was esteanged from his three kids in a similar way ten years ago who thinks about them all the time, evety day.
I emailed the ex of a friend after they split after she'd been particularly messy. I said I didn't expect a repky. He didn't reply. But I'm glad I showed I cared.
There is a lot of hurt, and sounds like two people are paying more than their share. I'd contact him.
Thanks - that's sort of how I feel - I can't just brush off people who were such an important part of my life just because others think they have the right to dictate who I'm allowed to talk to. It's very controlling and insecure of them - I suspect my sister is scared that all of her lies will be exposed and she'll lose control of events (narcissists treat everyone as their personal puppet show under their control).
If I can't find him or if he doesn't reply, then at least I've acted honourably - if we do make contact, then I've no interest in picking the scab of my sister's relationship - it's purely for him to know I'm dying and how amazing his niece is. Maybe chat about the old days - but I really don't want to discuss their breakup - it's ancient history.
Did he have a job that you could look on their website to see if he's still there? Or the sort of profession where you could search for him on a register (basically any health profession/social work) to get a general geographical area to look?
Have you tried stalking your sisters friends social media to see if any of them are still in touch?
Cookiesmum1986 said:Can you view your sisters friend list without adding her?
She excommunicated anyone from the past many years ago - there's no path..
They are able to find him because they have far more information than i do - all I know his name and his son's name - in their 15 years of continuous stalking, my sister knows about all the people linked to him, his new partner, his son's children's names etc. I don't have a lot to go on.
I think you should write your neice a letter to be given her after your death. Or sacrifice your sister to relate to her now.
If you look on people's accounts on FB you can look at all their friends normally (depends on settings) as cookiesmum mentions. They can't tell you've done that. Check your sister and neices profile.
You could look for people he knew and then on their friends list.
If he's on FB he's findable, and if your sister stalks him he must be on one of the social medias. Get help from a twenty year old who's savvy with it. Add extra search items like towns. A few hours work max should crack it.
It wouldn't be worth it - she's expunged anyone who might link her to her past. (friends are disposable to her - to be used and dumped)
There is another weak link - my niece - I know she has his details but I'm uncomfortable asking her - she's in her mid-20s but completely dominated and crushed by her mother and I think she's programmed to blab about any interactions with me. (I mentioned above an incident where my niece contacted me to go out for lunch and started asking questions about her dad - that resulted in complete cut-off - no birthday cards, no Christmas cards or present for our daughter and ignoring us until she found out I was dying) - my niece wants to know the truth but is scared of her mum's wrath.
Can you view your sisters friend list without adding her? Depending on people's settings this might be possible
Unfortunately, all the places he worked at when I knew him are long gone and he only ever got to a middle-managment position so never popped up as a big name anywhere.
I've only just set up a facebook account to see if I could find him on there but its search function is useless and I'm not friending my brother or sister - they've made their positions very clear.
My sister always brags about how she still stalks him on social media to ridicule his life - but I have no actual details to be able to find him on my own.