Published on 12, July, 2020
I've got a bit of a quandary.
I'm trying to contact people from my past that I've lost contact with to close some loops. One of these people is my sister's ex. He was in my life for 25 years and was always perfectly ok with me and my wife & daughter. He had his flaws, like most people, but on the whole, he was just a normal bloke. I helped him renovate their houses, we did lots of things together. The split was VERY, VERY nasty.
My sister was particularly manipulative and effectively, forced him to give up any right to see his daughter in exchange for not financially crippling him with maintenance. He had no choice but to agree. She even made it almost impossible for him to get birthday and Christmas presents to his daughter.
Now I'm not saying that he was a saint - but I have absolutely no axe to grind - their relationship was their problem.
This was all more than 15 years ago and we weren't able to see him after - we were not told anything about him or where he was living etc. We've moved a few times since so he won't know where we are.
Right now, because of my circumstances, I'd like to make contact with him just for closure and to bring him up to speed with my daughter (his only niece).
I asked my sister if she had any details - she denies any information (she's lying) and my brother, who lives 150 miles away and never witnessed any of it (whereas we saw it all breaking down and the lies that have been fabricated since) has taken my sister's edited and distorted version of the break-up as 100% true and is effectively calling me a traitor and I have no right to try to speak to the bloke.
What would be your views?
omg. your sister made her views known. you're going to cross her? i think it's sort of none of your business ---- i occasionally have given my sister and her family some advice, but that's about it. there are certain topics i stay clear of. they never take my advice anyway.
you can search for him using quotes, putting in key words. for example, for john smith, using quotes, using his initial, using places he's lived... should be possible. anything unique, like say he lived in --- tahiti or some town or street.... try those.
I hear what your saying but my sister doesn't own me - but she thinks she can control everyone and lie to ease her life and to alienate anyone she dislikes. She regularly stops talking to me if I don't jump to her demands fast enough. I get used to being blanked for a year or so at a time. She's only talking to me now because I'm dying and she's got a weird guilt complex.. I don't expect to hear from her for a few months now because I've gone against the party line.
My brother moved away from the area many years ago so knows only what my sister has told him - heavily biased and twisted to her version of events. Unfortunately, we were on the scene through the whole nasty period - the disturbances outside the neighbours, the shouting, the accusations, police being called to my mum's - but my sister has fabricated an entire false reality about it all.
My sister has blanked the old neighbours, my mum is long dead - so I'm the only weak point in her narrative..
I've tried every possible way to search for him but his name is so common - as is his son's - that it's a needle in a haystack - there's nothing about him or details that' are unique enough to home in on. In a way, he's in stealth mode
It's not burning me that much so I'm not going to that length - it's more the OTT reaction from my brother that upset me.
You could pay someone. Prob 2 hours work for a private investigator.