Published on 12, July, 2020
I've got a bit of a quandary.
I'm trying to contact people from my past that I've lost contact with to close some loops. One of these people is my sister's ex. He was in my life for 25 years and was always perfectly ok with me and my wife & daughter. He had his flaws, like most people, but on the whole, he was just a normal bloke. I helped him renovate their houses, we did lots of things together. The split was VERY, VERY nasty.
My sister was particularly manipulative and effectively, forced him to give up any right to see his daughter in exchange for not financially crippling him with maintenance. He had no choice but to agree. She even made it almost impossible for him to get birthday and Christmas presents to his daughter.
Now I'm not saying that he was a saint - but I have absolutely no axe to grind - their relationship was their problem.
This was all more than 15 years ago and we weren't able to see him after - we were not told anything about him or where he was living etc. We've moved a few times since so he won't know where we are.
Right now, because of my circumstances, I'd like to make contact with him just for closure and to bring him up to speed with my daughter (his only niece).
I asked my sister if she had any details - she denies any information (she's lying) and my brother, who lives 150 miles away and never witnessed any of it (whereas we saw it all breaking down and the lies that have been fabricated since) has taken my sister's edited and distorted version of the break-up as 100% true and is effectively calling me a traitor and I have no right to try to speak to the bloke.
What would be your views?
Have you tried searching for him on social media? If you guys had a good relationship I don't see the problem with sending him a message on SM. The benefit is if he doesn't want to connect then he can ignore the message or leave it a few days to think about what he wants to do if he's unsure.
I don't bother with family politics and talk to who I like (and don't like) so can't help with that side of things.
Thanks - unfortunately, his name is very common - almost a 'John Smith' - so I can't track him down.
There's a complication - my niece (sister's daughter) has previously asked me to tell her about her dad - she is beginning to doubt the lies and contradictions that she's been fed since childhood. My sister has painted him out as some kind of hardened criminal with dodgy connections. It's all BS. I get the feeling that my laughing at those mental images is responsible for my narcissistic sister to not talk to me for a year.