could problems with english literature and essays possibly indicate autism?

Hello, I was just looking for some advice. I have been questioning whether I may have autism for a few years now. I have regular periods of thinking yes I am and then other times I'm like of course I'm not. The one thing that is playing on my mind at the minute is whether people with autism struggle with English literature and analysis words. Just a bit of background, I am currently doing a masters degree, however, during my time at secondary school I really struggled with the analysis required for essays especially in English and Literature. I just could not wrap my head around what they were wanting. I was forced to do it for A-level as well as I could not do any of the other subjects in the block. No matter what I wrote I always got the same grade and comment. Whenever I asked for help they would reply 'you'll be fine' and would leg it out the room as if I was the devil. My mum even had me tested for dyslexia but I was too old for the test so it was inconclusive. No one would help me and I could not get my head around it. A chair is a chair. Its blue because the author wanted it to be blue. How am I supposed to know what was going on inside the mind of someone who lived in the eighteenth century. Why do we have to pick out themes why can't we just read it for what it is. I just did not get it. It even got to the point where the May half term before final year 13 exam we were given 4 essays to do, I got so overwhelmed I just didn't do them. It had got to the point in sixth form where I was working on essays from the time I finished school till 4am and still only had a paragraph. I would constantly have meltdowns, go to throw my laptop out the window. I was constantly on burn out and no one cared. I ended up breaking down the morning I went back after the half term because I was panicking that much that I hadn't done them, my tutor was one of my English teachers who came out and told me it didn't matter and that he would go through them with me so long as i had drafts. I got a grand total of 2 minutes during the next days tutor where he read the drafts and his great feedback was 'yeah that's right'. I finally got free of the 7 years of torture and did a undergraduate degree in history which I fully excelled at, almost 1sts across the board. Which is a miracle to say i only scrapped 1 B at A-level but I understood the subject matter - it was facts and figures and sources and historiography and it all just clicked for me. I finally felt I could do something. I then made the stupid decision of doing a Museum Studies masters and current module is about photography. I am no photographer and I am just getting flashbacks to english with analysing the photos. Its just a photo, lecturer asked for us to take pictures so i held up my camera and pressed the button. there was very little thought into it but they want essays on 1 picture and I just don't get it. The reading for this field is also so confusing. Its all abstract ideas I cannot get my head around and makes no sense. Its taken me 14 hours to read and understand a 18 page article, yet in history I could do it in 1 hour.

My question really is, is this a problem autistic people have or is it just me?

There are other things as well. I cannot make strong friendships. Any friendships I do make have a shelf-life of 2 years tops. I cannot deal with taking over a task when asked, I have to have started it. I have to have written clear instructions on how to do even the simplest things like using the washing machine. I have to have a routine/to-do list. I very often don't get through my to-do list. I cannot go into new situations alone. I hate going out for social stuff - no pubs or clubs for me, but also hate just going to a drink or hanging out with 1 friend. I become a mute in groups. I hate seminars where I am picked on to speak. I seem to cling or idolise people who help me. If you do something to me I don't like you will forever be on list of people I hate and will have to work pretty hard to get off it (most lecturers did manage to get off the list and I was very proud of them). I cannot do public speaking. I hate loud noises and bright lights (that could also be migraine though). I just know that when i get my own house and have to deal with food and use by dates etc I will need a spreadsheet to be able to cope. I have to have clear days when I am doing what chore. I cannot do small talk. I cannot do empathy very well. Chats die when I add something. I've never had a clear friend group always dotted between many but only one or two people in each. I never know what to say when I open my mouth. I don't word things well. My mums always telling me I have a problem with tone - its how you say it not what you say. I have to do the same round at night ensuring plug sockets and lights are off, checking the door is locked a certain number of times otherwise i cannot sleep. I have to do tasks and chores in the same order. Mum thinks its funny to move my shampoo etc on my shelf in the bathroom and not put it back in the same order when she cleans it then gets mad when I have an outburst. 

I just don't know if its me, or if it is something I've not been diagnosed with yet. I have been diagnosed with Depression and Social Anxiety but also have trichotillomania and potentially OCD but not confirmed just spoken to therapist about. I just feel there is something more but I don't want to bother the doctors at this time if it's just me and I'm the worst person on the planet 

  • do you think it would be worth me seeking a diagnosis? 

  • I think a good quantity of us with autism share the same on this. I can certainly relate to this.

  • I also have a major issue with applying for jobs. I feel I am only good enough for volunteer positions with very little responsibility. I have really irregular moods, I can go to a position really positive and confident talking to customers etc. and within 5 mins I can be wanting to come home and cry in bed and I just flip all the time. I'm so afraid of interviews and starting new places I can't even look for jobs anymore without getting really depressed. I was just wondering if this was something too? 

  • the B was in geography, which for the mock I got hardly any marks for the 40 mark essay and all the marks for the smaller questions in the other 2 sections so I'm assuming the same happened in the exam. Although, I did work it out and I was 1 mark off a B overall for English Lit and that was purely because I was trawling through the student room the day before and finally found an essay structure I understood, I did no revision because I didn't know how but just from that 1 response on Student Room the whole essay format fell into place and i managed to flunk it. But it was a constant feeling of 'I know what I should be doing but I don't know how' and constantly saying to my mum and grandma 'I don't know what I don't understand' and they didn't know what I didn't understand because it was all common sense to them. The teachers didn't understand and it was just so frustrating and I still don't think I could write an english essay today. 

    I had not done history since year 9 because I did not like the teacher. It was purely a gut feeling to go to the session at an open day that made me do it. I had a gap year because I just could not focus on unis and personal statements whilst also doing mocks and constantly playing catch up. However, when I started my history degree everything fell into place. It was evidence finding for facts or things people argued and historiography was like a flow I could follow. Which made essays quite nice for me as it was like slotting pieces into a puzzle and the structures just come to me now in my own way not using the english one I found. 

    This masters however is just really putting me back to how I was in sixth form and I really don't know what to do. I really did not want to go back to that period of my life but I made the stupid decision now I have to live with it. Just so overwhelming and I'm really struggling which is what's bringing up the feelings as to whether it may be autism (on top of all the niggly things I add to the list). I just don't know 

  • I have a good degree in English Language and Literature. I was diagnosed with what used to be called Asperger's about 6 months ago.

  • Your problems with English literature and essay writing sound very similar to mine.

    At school , at GCE, I was ungraded at both English language and English literature on my first attempt.

    I found essay writing an absolute nightmare and I still do.

    The big problems is understanding both literal and figurative meanings in language as well as reading between the lines.  

    The fact that you got a B at A level is excellent.

    I was persuaded to do history A level, my history grades in the sixth form went D, E, F and I eventually dropped the subject.

  • I have similar experiences of School and Uni. I studied a lot, but it never sunk in most of the time.

    I never achieved a B in A'Levels. I was able to scrape through Uni then.

  • Social anxiety is very close to autism ,,,, I would go for a diagnosis based on what you have just said