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Husband verses son

Rusky

Hi,everyone, I don't know what to do anymore. I have 13 year old son with ASD, very high functioning, in the main stream school etc, but very aggressive, disrespectful, very challenging behavior. He is constanly trying to break the rules. My husband takes this challenge to his authoruty very badly, we have been to the course, learned about ASD etc, but he is very oldfashined , he feels that my son tries to dominate the place (which is true) but he deals with it in a very aggressive manner, like you would deal with someone who is bad mouthing you on the street. He has not hurt him physically, but I'm afraid it will happen at some point and my son is not just going to take it, he will retaliate and then what I'm going to do? I intefer all the time when they have their aggressive stand offs, I know it's wrong but I can not stand and watch this.

I'm afraid that my marriage will be over soon if our conflict over our son carries on, but I love my husband and I love our sons ( we have two13 and 9), boys need their father and he can be so good with them, it's just this challenge to his authoruty he can not deal with fairly and it's breaking us apart.

Can anyone suggest anything or maybe you have similar situation at home?

Thank you 

  • With Aspergers, I can only approach problems from a process to model system, which is good academically but in coping, sometimes not so good, but.., here is my advice

    The key issue is respect between all family members.... with respect comes acknowledgment and communication. Respect is the foundation of love, were love meets power is shared, were there is no respect or respect from only one party, it is an off-set relationship foundation, resulting in a power-struggle, confrontation or a fight. People need to understand respecting someone is a love and normally result is a mirroring love. Respect is the power of peace.

    I grew up in a disharmony family because my mother and step-father hated each other(and still do), socially confused I run and hide.

    So, with respect learning relationship it must start with the parents showing love to each other and respect which is mirrored by the children,, maybe your whole family dynamics needs to be looked at. Although, I maybe biased, based on my own childhood experiences.

    Giving respect is a beautiful thing, with aspergers I enjoy the harmony it brings, it becomes a very rational environment which is good. Maybe a holiday in Japan with a samurai master for your son, or learn a martial art Smile

    My thoughts are with you, thankyou for sharing.

     

     

     

     

  • It's a difficult enough time as your son hits puberty and enters the teen years without having to cope with ASD.  I really sympathise with you on this as it is a very tough situation.

    Firstly, if a situation does suddenly detiorarate into physical attacks by either your son or your husband, I'd say you need to know who to contact asap and that you do not attempt to get in between them to break it up.  You will need to protect your younger son too.

    Maybe this is something to discuss with your husband when you are alone and perhaps before Christmas arrives - that if any flare-up ends up with such a levely of violence then the consequences may be far more unplatable than he realises right now.  Perhaps help him (husband) to feel he's managing things much better by developing a pro-active strategy.

    What other help are you getting with your son?  Does the school or your GP have access to an appropriately trained person to help him with his social learning?  Is there a favourite family member or close friend nearby who could help out by offering to take your son out for a day so he feels he's getting some attention from someone he can't push around, and your husband, you and your younger son can have some breathing space.

    I think one of the hardest things is that ASD people can and do push the boundaries beyond what beggars belief and when they are in the zone, all rules go out the window.

    It's not the best time now to seek other help, but I would say at least still try to discuss this asap with your GP, so she/he knows that your son is becoming more difficult and it's proving very difficult to bring some kind of balance within the home.

    Put as many plans in place as you can for now, and then keep asking for help in the New Year.

  • hi - hope is right.  It's a difficult situation but escalating it will only make it worse.  You are stuck in the middle + it must be heartbreaking.  No-one likes a challenge to their authority + that goes for your son as well.  However, in theory it shd be a bit easier for your husband to develop different ways of interacting with your son than vice versa?  I'm sure you must have been thru all this on many occasions with your husband but the situation doesn't change + maybe gets worse?  Something's got to give.  Do you think your son is aware just how bad things are?  Do either of them realise the effect they're having?  Everyone has a role to play in relationships - you try to appease the situation, seeing things from both sides.  Maybe you need to rethink how you react to the both of them.  How is the younger child managing with all this?  Sorry for all the ??s.  I'm not a psychologist, just someone with an interest in how relationships interplay + the results that follow.  I also feel for you because I'd feel anxious, disappointed + upset if I was in your situation.  Sorry I can't be of more help, wish I cd. bw

  • I have Aspergers, and somtimes wind my Dad up the wrong way, but less so now because I have my own flat.

    My Dad used to lose his temper very easily, invading my space, shouting in my face etc. I found this scary, and when in the full heat of a tantrum, it just made my behaviour worse. I used to run up stairs and shut myself into the toilet, screaming, while my Dad went ballistic, threatening to phone social services  etc. People with autism are often very sensitive to confrontation and people invading their space, and I hate to say this but your husband is likely making things worse by losing his temper too.