Published on 12, July, 2020
I have only recently learnt about masking and that I do it practically all the time; and it has quite honestly destroyed my perception of who I am. I write a lot to help keep melt downs at bay but its harder in the lockdown. but i wrote this and wanted to share it hoping that some one would understand.
He asks if I am okay,
And I say ‘Of course’.
It’s instinctive…
I’m tired
and close to snapping.
I feel myself boiling,
black blood of fear coursing through me.
My eyes well up and he asks again,
‘Are you sure?’
I can barely hear.
But my face smiles and my head nods.
I am not controlling it.
The voice in my head
Tells me I’m stupid
Irrational
And entirely mad
But on the surface…
Im veneer
A cheap imitation of happy
A faced of sanity.
A hollow barbie doll of plastic cheer.
He’s exhausting me…
Not him.
Me…
The girl with the mask.
Not bipolar,
But certainly in two minds.
The explosion is instant
Tears
vicerally shaking…
I feel so isolated
I totally agree! I got my diagnosis at 14 so I had been masking all the time without having a clue I was doing it and wondering why I was always so tired. I have finally learned somehow to stop masking at home which has helped considerably, it is hard but when you are in a safe place with people you trust try not to second guess yourself and let yourself say whatever, stim and be you. Hope that helps