Published on 12, July, 2020
I have only recently learnt about masking and that I do it practically all the time; and it has quite honestly destroyed my perception of who I am. I write a lot to help keep melt downs at bay but its harder in the lockdown. but i wrote this and wanted to share it hoping that some one would understand.
He asks if I am okay,
And I say ‘Of course’.
It’s instinctive…
I’m tired
and close to snapping.
I feel myself boiling,
black blood of fear coursing through me.
My eyes well up and he asks again,
‘Are you sure?’
I can barely hear.
But my face smiles and my head nods.
I am not controlling it.
The voice in my head
Tells me I’m stupid
Irrational
And entirely mad
But on the surface…
Im veneer
A cheap imitation of happy
A faced of sanity.
A hollow barbie doll of plastic cheer.
He’s exhausting me…
Not him.
Me…
The girl with the mask.
Not bipolar,
But certainly in two minds.
The explosion is instant
Tears
vicerally shaking…
I feel so isolated
I totally agree! I got my diagnosis at 14 so I had been masking all the time without having a clue I was doing it and wondering why I was always so tired. I have finally learned somehow to stop masking at home which has helped considerably, it is hard but when you are in a safe place with people you trust try not to second guess yourself and let yourself say whatever, stim and be you. Hope that helps
You're not alone! I saw a thing a while back that said women are massively under-diagnosed because we get so good at masking the autistic traits aren't as noticeable. Being good at it doesn't make it any less exhausting though. Keep fighting.B x
I'm glad I was able to reassure you. Sometimes it helps to know your not the only one experiencing things. X
it's comforting to share an experience with some one...anyone really but for it be such a similar experience. it's reassuring
I completely get you! I didn't know masking was a thing until very recently...like you it makes complete sense now. I always seemed to adapt to the environment. When I was working with children with bubbly child friendly staff, I was always loud and bubbly. I was in charge of my group so I was in my element, I could plan and organise things to my heart's content and everything was in my terms. It was literally the best job and most enjoyable job I had. I moved to work with mental health (the childcare place got bought out and everything changed for the worse) and again, my personality seemed to change, I was no longer as bubbly but felt able to sing whenever a word or phrase reminded me of a song, so I was more myself in that respect,but, paranoid about fade accusations flying around or getting some wrong. Again I moved jobs and my personality changed again, and I am afraid it is not something I am proud of. I now swear more and am generally, while I'm at work at least, not the person I would like to be. I am still quiet, but I join in with stuff I otherwise wish I wouldn't...all in the name of trying to fit in, just that little bit more.
I like your writing. If it helps, keep doing it.
X