troubles with masking

I have only recently learnt about masking and that I do it practically all the time; and it has quite honestly destroyed my perception of who I am. I write a lot to help keep melt downs at bay but its harder in the lockdown. but i wrote this and wanted to share it hoping that some one would understand.

He asks if I am okay,

And I say ‘Of course’.

It’s instinctive…

I’m tired

and close to snapping.

I feel myself boiling,

black blood of fear coursing through me.

My eyes well up and he asks again,

‘Are you sure?’

I can barely hear.

But my face smiles and my head nods.

I am not controlling it.

The voice in my head

Tells me I’m stupid

Irrational

And entirely mad

But on the surface…

Im veneer

A cheap imitation of happy

A faced of sanity.

A hollow barbie doll of plastic cheer.

He’s exhausting me…

Not him.

Me…

The girl with the mask.

Not bipolar,

But certainly in two minds.

The explosion is instant

Tears

vicerally shaking…

I feel so isolated