Eye Contact

I learnt to look through people rather than look them in the eye. When I was a kid I used to get the mick taken when other kids were bullying, they reckoned I looked like I was about to start bawling it because my eyes would start to move rapidly everywhere else but them. So now it's a mixture of I either look at something out of the window or at a point on a wall, or I sort of look at the other persons chin while in conversation to make it look more like I'm focusing on them. When talking to family and friends though, I don't need to make the effort due to them knowing and understanding why I'm like I am.

It was the main reason i got my diagnosis. I was given an ADOS test and was asked to go through a book and interpreting what i saw all while they was watching my body language and they noticed i made little to no eye contact for the whole 30 minute test. The first test i did said i had signs for both autism and ADHD and the ADOS test confirmed that i was more over to the Autism side of things.

Remove the zeroes from 50 and 70 and it would still be too much for me

I am probably pretty bad at it too, most of the time I am looking away but I think giving at least some form of eye contact even if it is just a couple of seconds now and then helps

On the internet it advises 50% eye contact when speaking and 70% eye contact while listening. This would be too much for me, I would half those figures at least until you get more used to it. Remember not to get too tied up in the numbers

Greetings. I suppose I should say this (again)... With Autistics "eye contact" is sometimes said to be painful. Also lack of eye contact is officially used as one of the diagnostic signs of Autism. Some advice for avoiding "staring" at others, is to look at one eye and then at the other eye and then at the mouth... and then repeat that.

(Lastly, if anyone uses the "search" box then they will see a lot of other Threads about this topic exactly which give even more answers.)

I really struggle with that too. I can't even look my therapist in the eyes....it makes me really uncomfortable. 

I think one of the reasons for that is that there is no real point for us to look other people in the eyes,right? NT's do it so that they can read the facial expression of others but for us that's really tough to do,so I guess we just avoid doing it all together.

Yes this is something that just needs practice. I am 53 now and still find it uncomfortable and tiring to do the eye contact thing right at times. But saying that it has got better over the years with practice. They key is to relax and act it out as others have said in this post. The advice on 10 seconds eye contact then away then back again is good advice, maybe occasionally nodding your head (as is also mentioned in a post) when you give that eye contact. Sort of make it look relaxed and fleeting if that makes sense.

Hi there, it has taken me years to get on top of this very common problem, even now if I am stressed my eye contact is worse. The advice about below about balance is good. Most people don't like being stared at, so practicing a little eye contact then a break is more comfortable. Body language is also key, so perhaps sit or stand at the side of the person you are talking to, the occasional nod of the head and verbal comment will also show interest. People generally get wrapped up in talking about themselves, so they probably won't notice the things your aware. Finally, breathe .. if you relax they will too :)

I’ve had 2 problems with that technique. First-I was too focused on estimating how long should I keep eye contact. Even without counting I was  constantly thinking “now? Is it time now? Look away or keep staring for few more seconds?”. So I couldn’t focus on the conversation. Second-I’ve noticed that I completely lose track of the conversation the moment I look into someone’s eyes. 

I look at people’s mouth (I don’t know if people can notice that or not). It’s actually hard for me not to look at someone’s mouth because their lips move constantly while they’re talking so they draw my attention.

I also unfocus my eyes on purpose (the same way that it is needed to look at stereograms) while I know I have to keep an eye contact with someone. Again, I don’t know if people can notice that or not.

I totally get that - I’m always accused of being rude or not paying attention due to it and neither were true! Most of the tine not making eye contact is so natural to me that I forget in I’m not doing it. Personally I don’t think it’s a big deal but maybe neurotypical people do... I really don’t understand the NT world! 

i will give this a go and see how it works thank you.

ive always been bad at it. In lessons i would always just look at the wall instead of the teacher which of course got me in trouble

Try to have a balance between eye contact and looking away that you are comfortable with. For example 10 secodns of eye contact while talking and then 5 seconds looking away (you don't need to count and it doesn't have to be exact but I think a a balance is the key)

I struggle with eye contact too and when I force it I become more anxious but I’m marginally better at it than I was - but dint feel you have to make eye contact, it really isn’t essential. By the way your grammar was just fine :)