Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi! I'm a non-autistic partner of a little over one year to a lovely autistic boyfriend who we'll call Jay. Jay can be extremely caring, kind, gentle, sincere, and very, very blunt. His bluntness often reveals itself when I show him projects I've made or content I like, and he critiques it in a way that I feel, and that he agrees, is very harsh. We're long distance right now, so most of our conversations are via text, which I feel can make it even harder to interpret tone/cut back on that bluntness some.
Let me divert for a second with a little about me: I have ADHD, and consequentially Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which basically means that I interpret very small actions--down to the punctuation of a text--as signs that people are upset with/angry at me. I know that's something that I struggle with, and I'm intentional about trying to check those feelings. Sometimes that makes me question whether I'm taking the things he says too harshly, but he agrees that they can often come off a little cruel.
So, all that to say, we've talked about his bluntness before, and how much it hurts my feelings. It always happens in a cycle, where he will say something that I feel is hurtful, I'll withdraw (or sometimes say "wait, that hurt my feelings," depending on how much it stung) and he'll notice, apologize, and say something to the effect of, "that's how I talk sometimes" or "that's what happens when I open my mouth". And then nothing changes. We reenact all this a few times a month, sometimes less, rarely more.
Which brings me to my question: I really don't like being hurt by what Jay says, but I don't know how much I can expect him to modify his behavior. My RSD, for example, means I sometimes need reassurance that people aren't upset with me, and with Jay, he doesn't expect me to heal from that overnight. I don't expect him to change instantaneously, either, but getting hurt over and over is becoming more and more exhausting. So what do you folks think? If you're an autistic person, how would you want your partner to approach this? For the most part, we're really happy together, but I know that getting hurt bothers me, and I also know that hurting me upsets him. If you're a partner of an autistic person who's run into this before, how have you approached it?
Also, if I've been insensitive at any point, *please* tell me. I would appreciate it to no end.
Thank you so much for your help in advance!
Hi! My partner is autistic and can, like your Jay, be very blunt at times. (Like when I had just finished making a toy rhino for his niece, spent ages working on it, showed it to him and his first comment was, "The ears look wrong.")
His bluntness doesn't come from any bad place, it's just that he doesn't consider the effect it will have to say what he thinks. Sometimes it helps to have little phrases that act like keywords to let him know he needs to think about how he phrases what he says next. Things like, "I'm going to ask your opinion about something" or "I want to tell you about this". Because we've decided on those as sort of 'indicators', he then realises when I introduce a topic or project with them that he might need to be a bit more sensitive when replying.
Obviously it doesn't work for every situation and you can't always plan out conversations like that. There are always times when he will be blunt out of the blue, and it will always be hurtful when it happens. But at times like that, the important thing is to pause, take a moment to acknowledge it and let him know that his words landed wrong. My partner is gradually getting better at it. There are bad days, of course, and he will never be as tactful as a lot of other people would be, but I find the advantages of being with him are (most days!!) more than enough to outweigh the odd evening of crying in a dark corner!
Good luck, and let me know if you have any success!
B x