Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi! I'm a non-autistic partner of a little over one year to a lovely autistic boyfriend who we'll call Jay. Jay can be extremely caring, kind, gentle, sincere, and very, very blunt. His bluntness often reveals itself when I show him projects I've made or content I like, and he critiques it in a way that I feel, and that he agrees, is very harsh. We're long distance right now, so most of our conversations are via text, which I feel can make it even harder to interpret tone/cut back on that bluntness some.
Let me divert for a second with a little about me: I have ADHD, and consequentially Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which basically means that I interpret very small actions--down to the punctuation of a text--as signs that people are upset with/angry at me. I know that's something that I struggle with, and I'm intentional about trying to check those feelings. Sometimes that makes me question whether I'm taking the things he says too harshly, but he agrees that they can often come off a little cruel.
So, all that to say, we've talked about his bluntness before, and how much it hurts my feelings. It always happens in a cycle, where he will say something that I feel is hurtful, I'll withdraw (or sometimes say "wait, that hurt my feelings," depending on how much it stung) and he'll notice, apologize, and say something to the effect of, "that's how I talk sometimes" or "that's what happens when I open my mouth". And then nothing changes. We reenact all this a few times a month, sometimes less, rarely more.
Which brings me to my question: I really don't like being hurt by what Jay says, but I don't know how much I can expect him to modify his behavior. My RSD, for example, means I sometimes need reassurance that people aren't upset with me, and with Jay, he doesn't expect me to heal from that overnight. I don't expect him to change instantaneously, either, but getting hurt over and over is becoming more and more exhausting. So what do you folks think? If you're an autistic person, how would you want your partner to approach this? For the most part, we're really happy together, but I know that getting hurt bothers me, and I also know that hurting me upsets him. If you're a partner of an autistic person who's run into this before, how have you approached it?
Also, if I've been insensitive at any point, *please* tell me. I would appreciate it to no end.
Thank you so much for your help in advance!
Hi,
I have this problem too with my undiagnosed partner. He can be blunt , hurtful when heightened and also block me completely out of his life. It's hard work trying to see what works best. I am currently in a position where he has went back to work offshore and I have no contact with him as he was heightened before he left. The only way I have is through email to which he does ignore sometimes. But yet will question " why didn't I try make contact on this day or that day " I wanted to email him with reassurance and the reasons why I love him but am unsure how to go about it the right way to calm him
I suppose being at the other side (too secretive) would be much worse for a partner
Hi! My partner is autistic and can, like your Jay, be very blunt at times. (Like when I had just finished making a toy rhino for his niece, spent ages working on it, showed it to him and his first comment was, "The ears look wrong.")
His bluntness doesn't come from any bad place, it's just that he doesn't consider the effect it will have to say what he thinks. Sometimes it helps to have little phrases that act like keywords to let him know he needs to think about how he phrases what he says next. Things like, "I'm going to ask your opinion about something" or "I want to tell you about this". Because we've decided on those as sort of 'indicators', he then realises when I introduce a topic or project with them that he might need to be a bit more sensitive when replying.
Obviously it doesn't work for every situation and you can't always plan out conversations like that. There are always times when he will be blunt out of the blue, and it will always be hurtful when it happens. But at times like that, the important thing is to pause, take a moment to acknowledge it and let him know that his words landed wrong. My partner is gradually getting better at it. There are bad days, of course, and he will never be as tactful as a lot of other people would be, but I find the advantages of being with him are (most days!!) more than enough to outweigh the odd evening of crying in a dark corner!
Good luck, and let me know if you have any success!
B x
This is very familiar ground. I've never heard it described as Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, but it is definitely a daily occurrance in my case. The advice above all looks good, but I would just like to add one further point. Not all bluntness is negative. I think wwe all here know that there are some areas of the UK renowned for their bluntness. All I can say is that I have always rather enjoyed some of that regional directness, favouring it above the style more popular in other regions where they will often speak softly to you, and then be blunt about you when talking to others behind your back. Obviously, when I say that RSD happens to me so often, I cannot really have all the answers, but I have found that bluntness can sometimes be quite refreshing. You might want to embrace some of it.
Sometimes similar people with similar problems dont mix. People with ASD tend to be blunt, not because they intend to be, but because thats how the world is to them. If people ask me a question I give them an honest answer, although I have learnt how to lie in certain situations to spare peoples feelings, so I guess im slightly different to your boyfriend. The question is, would you rather he lied to you constantly to spare your feelings? Or would you prefer he is honest with you but may not give you the answer you are seeking? if the answer is the first, then you may be better with someone different who is a bit more NT and can do tact and dishonesty slightly easier.
I suspect due to the RSD you will probably never be happy with Jay. You need to sit down with him and look at things openly and be honest about how you see things. If you can not move past the problem then it may be better for both your mental wellbeings to make a clean break. If not, the constant bluntness will probably have a severe impact on you.
Also, not all people with ASD can emulate emotions and feelings. Some people are very good at picking up on triggers and cues, some can't do it to save there life. I have learnt to adapt and can mostly avoid situations like the ones you describe. Tact is a learnt response to me, its like a computer if/else statement and you just plug the situations and responses into it. When I was young I had 0 tact and could bring people to tears without trying. Nowadays 40 years later I can adapt and overcome that problem. Some people never achieve it.
If it was me I would sit down with my partner, discuss it and if after I considered all the angles, I couldnt see a way forward, I would break up with them and move on with my life. Unhappiness breeds negativity and should be eliminated from your life as quickly as possible.
Hello there NAS67114,
I can relate to your post. I am very blunt myself, so I understand what you’re saying. My last girlfriend used to say this a lot to me, she actually used to say that my bluntness and honesty is brutal. I don’t mean to be harsh to people, but that’s just how I comment on things sometimes. I’m not very tactful, I will just say it how it is. And that comes across rude and uncaring sometimes. But I always prefer to hear the truth myself, so I personally think it’s good to give the truth also. But I have to say I’m surprised by people’s reactions sometimes, I don’t always realise how blunt I’ve been. My last girlfriend was also very sensitive like you are explaining in yourself. And it was a nightmare at times, because she took most things to heart. But it sounds like you have a good relationship with your boyfriend other than the issue that you mention, so I think you can be alright Also I can relate to your issue of interpreting very small details in things, text messages for example. I can very easily think someone is being rude or not paying attention to me properly over text, I overthink pretty much everything. I analyse their reply sometimes. I have many issues But I think you will be fine Take care.
I am often criticised for being too blunt, tactless, or sometimes rude but the truth is I don’t mean to be - I am incredibly literal in my interpretation of things, so if people ask me a question they get an honest reply. I have a tendency to need to find logic too - so a friend once said to me ‘my dad died the other days, my reply was ‘was he old or ill?’ Because in my mind I’ve been given a bit of information but I’ve yet to make sense of it - I’ve been told that I should have instead said something sympathetic *** ‘I’m sorry’ but I don’t get why I should apologise for something that I’ve not done... anyway this links into my next point which is some with autism lack empathy - they aren’t deliberately seeking to hurt someone but they cannot compute the emotional impact of their words to somebody else. I’ve taught myself to be more considered and tactful which is easier in writing as it’s less ‘real time’ than speech but tact doesn’t come naturally and it is incredibly hard work to apply it all of the time and I will at times still get it wrong even though I’m trying.
So it’s not something you can easily ‘fix’ in him nor is the sensitivity you have to criticism easy to ‘fix’ in yourself which creates a sort of incompatibility issue. I think all you can do is have Jay commit to trying to be more tactful and you commit to trying not to take things too personally - for both of you it will be hard and to be realistic, it won’t always work, especially at times when you or he ate stressed or under pressure. I think if you try to seek less reassurances or feedback from him too that would help because that way you avoid setting up a situation in which this bluntness is likely to prevail.