Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi! I'm a non-autistic partner of a little over one year to a lovely autistic boyfriend who we'll call Jay. Jay can be extremely caring, kind, gentle, sincere, and very, very blunt. His bluntness often reveals itself when I show him projects I've made or content I like, and he critiques it in a way that I feel, and that he agrees, is very harsh. We're long distance right now, so most of our conversations are via text, which I feel can make it even harder to interpret tone/cut back on that bluntness some.
Let me divert for a second with a little about me: I have ADHD, and consequentially Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which basically means that I interpret very small actions--down to the punctuation of a text--as signs that people are upset with/angry at me. I know that's something that I struggle with, and I'm intentional about trying to check those feelings. Sometimes that makes me question whether I'm taking the things he says too harshly, but he agrees that they can often come off a little cruel.
So, all that to say, we've talked about his bluntness before, and how much it hurts my feelings. It always happens in a cycle, where he will say something that I feel is hurtful, I'll withdraw (or sometimes say "wait, that hurt my feelings," depending on how much it stung) and he'll notice, apologize, and say something to the effect of, "that's how I talk sometimes" or "that's what happens when I open my mouth". And then nothing changes. We reenact all this a few times a month, sometimes less, rarely more.
Which brings me to my question: I really don't like being hurt by what Jay says, but I don't know how much I can expect him to modify his behavior. My RSD, for example, means I sometimes need reassurance that people aren't upset with me, and with Jay, he doesn't expect me to heal from that overnight. I don't expect him to change instantaneously, either, but getting hurt over and over is becoming more and more exhausting. So what do you folks think? If you're an autistic person, how would you want your partner to approach this? For the most part, we're really happy together, but I know that getting hurt bothers me, and I also know that hurting me upsets him. If you're a partner of an autistic person who's run into this before, how have you approached it?
Also, if I've been insensitive at any point, *please* tell me. I would appreciate it to no end.
Thank you so much for your help in advance!
Sometimes similar people with similar problems dont mix. People with ASD tend to be blunt, not because they intend to be, but because thats how the world is to them. If people ask me a question I give them an honest answer, although I have learnt how to lie in certain situations to spare peoples feelings, so I guess im slightly different to your boyfriend. The question is, would you rather he lied to you constantly to spare your feelings? Or would you prefer he is honest with you but may not give you the answer you are seeking? if the answer is the first, then you may be better with someone different who is a bit more NT and can do tact and dishonesty slightly easier.
I suspect due to the RSD you will probably never be happy with Jay. You need to sit down with him and look at things openly and be honest about how you see things. If you can not move past the problem then it may be better for both your mental wellbeings to make a clean break. If not, the constant bluntness will probably have a severe impact on you.
Also, not all people with ASD can emulate emotions and feelings. Some people are very good at picking up on triggers and cues, some can't do it to save there life. I have learnt to adapt and can mostly avoid situations like the ones you describe. Tact is a learnt response to me, its like a computer if/else statement and you just plug the situations and responses into it. When I was young I had 0 tact and could bring people to tears without trying. Nowadays 40 years later I can adapt and overcome that problem. Some people never achieve it.
If it was me I would sit down with my partner, discuss it and if after I considered all the angles, I couldnt see a way forward, I would break up with them and move on with my life. Unhappiness breeds negativity and should be eliminated from your life as quickly as possible.
This is very familiar ground. I've never heard it described as Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, but it is definitely a daily occurrance in my case. The advice above all looks good, but I would just like to add one further point. Not all bluntness is negative. I think wwe all here know that there are some areas of the UK renowned for their bluntness. All I can say is that I have always rather enjoyed some of that regional directness, favouring it above the style more popular in other regions where they will often speak softly to you, and then be blunt about you when talking to others behind your back. Obviously, when I say that RSD happens to me so often, I cannot really have all the answers, but I have found that bluntness can sometimes be quite refreshing. You might want to embrace some of it.