Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi! I'm a non-autistic partner of a little over one year to a lovely autistic boyfriend who we'll call Jay. Jay can be extremely caring, kind, gentle, sincere, and very, very blunt. His bluntness often reveals itself when I show him projects I've made or content I like, and he critiques it in a way that I feel, and that he agrees, is very harsh. We're long distance right now, so most of our conversations are via text, which I feel can make it even harder to interpret tone/cut back on that bluntness some.
Let me divert for a second with a little about me: I have ADHD, and consequentially Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which basically means that I interpret very small actions--down to the punctuation of a text--as signs that people are upset with/angry at me. I know that's something that I struggle with, and I'm intentional about trying to check those feelings. Sometimes that makes me question whether I'm taking the things he says too harshly, but he agrees that they can often come off a little cruel.
So, all that to say, we've talked about his bluntness before, and how much it hurts my feelings. It always happens in a cycle, where he will say something that I feel is hurtful, I'll withdraw (or sometimes say "wait, that hurt my feelings," depending on how much it stung) and he'll notice, apologize, and say something to the effect of, "that's how I talk sometimes" or "that's what happens when I open my mouth". And then nothing changes. We reenact all this a few times a month, sometimes less, rarely more.
Which brings me to my question: I really don't like being hurt by what Jay says, but I don't know how much I can expect him to modify his behavior. My RSD, for example, means I sometimes need reassurance that people aren't upset with me, and with Jay, he doesn't expect me to heal from that overnight. I don't expect him to change instantaneously, either, but getting hurt over and over is becoming more and more exhausting. So what do you folks think? If you're an autistic person, how would you want your partner to approach this? For the most part, we're really happy together, but I know that getting hurt bothers me, and I also know that hurting me upsets him. If you're a partner of an autistic person who's run into this before, how have you approached it?
Also, if I've been insensitive at any point, *please* tell me. I would appreciate it to no end.
Thank you so much for your help in advance!
I am often criticised for being too blunt, tactless, or sometimes rude but the truth is I don’t mean to be - I am incredibly literal in my interpretation of things, so if people ask me a question they get an honest reply. I have a tendency to need to find logic too - so a friend once said to me ‘my dad died the other days, my reply was ‘was he old or ill?’ Because in my mind I’ve been given a bit of information but I’ve yet to make sense of it - I’ve been told that I should have instead said something sympathetic *** ‘I’m sorry’ but I don’t get why I should apologise for something that I’ve not done... anyway this links into my next point which is some with autism lack empathy - they aren’t deliberately seeking to hurt someone but they cannot compute the emotional impact of their words to somebody else. I’ve taught myself to be more considered and tactful which is easier in writing as it’s less ‘real time’ than speech but tact doesn’t come naturally and it is incredibly hard work to apply it all of the time and I will at times still get it wrong even though I’m trying.
So it’s not something you can easily ‘fix’ in him nor is the sensitivity you have to criticism easy to ‘fix’ in yourself which creates a sort of incompatibility issue. I think all you can do is have Jay commit to trying to be more tactful and you commit to trying not to take things too personally - for both of you it will be hard and to be realistic, it won’t always work, especially at times when you or he ate stressed or under pressure. I think if you try to seek less reassurances or feedback from him too that would help because that way you avoid setting up a situation in which this bluntness is likely to prevail.