I am sooooooo happy right now

…probably because I haven’t left my house for three days nor have I got dressed or barely left my bed and best of all, I haven’t eaten  I had a good excuse not to eat, I had some kind of bug that’s apparently going around which made me violently sick.  I don’t think I’ve ever been that sick in my life, so it was sensible for me not to eat, not that I could have anyway, my little stomach was so jittery and poorly 

But my happiness is more than that. Two years ago I was so burnout I honestly thought I had dementia. I didn’t know what was happening to me. It was by far my biggest burnout ever, in terms of the sypmtoms and what happened to me. But now, less than three years later, I feel like a brand new person.

I feel so lucky to be creating my life from the beginning at this time in my life, meaning at over 50 years old. I’m not sure how old I am exactly and I can’t be bothered to work it out becase I’m not that interested in my age but I do know I have turned 50. I think most people my age are thinking about retirement (not that I have ever or would ever think about retirement or consider it unless I was forced into it due to ill health or something but I wont be letting that happen) and here I am, just starting out. It feels so exciting, so new, like I’ve been given a second chance at life and I couldn’t be happier or more grateful.

I am by no means out of the burn out but I’m coming up to the last leg of the recovery stage and I think I might go to Bali to finish that portion of the recovery process off. I can eat lots of raw vegan food there, lots of lucious and fresh tropical fruits, I will be living literally in the jungle, so lots of nature (my biggest source of nourishment) and I can do lots of yoga, go the gym, swim and just relax and take it easy.

All the years of wondering round in the wilderness, not ever really knowing what was happening, going from one train wreck to another. All the years of prisons and being homeless and living on the streets and all that jazz seems almost a lifetime away. Don’t get me wrong, to me, my life wasn’t a train wreck. I loved my life, apart from when I was suicidal, of course, but thank god I never achieved that aim because I would miss out on all what I  have now.

Most people would look at my life and think I have nothing. But they are the people who value things like houses and cars and money, holidays and having the latest clothes or gadgets. None of those things have ever held any value to me and neither has fitting in with society. I had my stage of trying to fit in, when I needed some help raising my son, but that was the worst time in my life and I vowed then, that I would never try that again.

Then I got my diagnosis and boom, straight away, I went from thinking I didn’t belong on this planet to knowing I did. To knowing I was a human being just like everybody else and I thererfore I had a place on this earth, just like everybody else. That, to me, means more to me than all the tea in china.

All I ever wanted to know, was who was I and why was I here. My diagnosis answered those questions for me and although it’s been a roller coaster of a journey since I got my diagnosis, it’s been the best time of my life. Every second I have lived, since getting my diagnosis has been the best second of my life because to know who I am, is so precious to me.

And to be autsitic in the world today just blows my mind. We are growing in understanding and acceptance and apparently, according to some people, it’s even trendy to be autistic. Who’d have thought, I’m trendy, just for being me 

I love my days when I go out and about, chatting mostly about autism, to all the beautiful people I meet along the way. And I love how people are so uplifted when they hear more about autsim. It’s clear it’s not just me that likes learning new stuff.  I love all the different reactions I get when I tell people I’m autistic and I love how much help I get  I only have to walk into a shop now and if I’m up for talking, I simply tell them I’m autistic and what I want and people fall over themselves to help me. But more than that, they never patronize me or treat me like I’m an idiot, they are always so kind and friendly and helpful. I feel we both get something out of our interactions.

I also love my time alone. Days after days just me, myself and I. No contact at all from the outside world. I guess I’m lucky to live by myself so I can enjoy so much delicious and glorious me time. It’s not quite the same as when I was in full on burn out mode where I could indulge, completely, in my autistic nature. That was heaven. But I know I wasn’t put on the earth to do just that. I know I must do more than that. And I will. I’m working my way up to that. But for the time being, I’m going to enjoy the last leg of my burnout journey.

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