…probably because I haven’t left my house for three days nor have I got dressed or barely left my bed and best of all, I haven’t eaten I had a good excuse not to eat, I had some kind of bug that’s apparently going around which made me violently sick. I don’t think I’ve ever been that sick in my life, so it was sensible for me not to eat, not that I could have anyway, my little stomach was so jittery and poorly
But my happiness is more than that. Two years ago I was so burnout I honestly thought I had dementia. I didn’t know what was happening to me. It was by far my biggest burnout ever, in terms of the sypmtoms and what happened to me. But now, less than three years later, I feel like a brand new person.
I feel so lucky to be creating my life from the beginning at this time in my life, meaning at over 50 years old. I’m not sure how old I am exactly and I can’t be bothered to work it out becase I’m not that interested in my age but I do know I have turned 50. I think most people my age are thinking about retirement (not that I have ever or would ever think about retirement or consider it unless I was forced into it due to ill health or something but I wont be letting that happen) and here I am, just starting out. It feels so exciting, so new, like I’ve been given a second chance at life and I couldn’t be happier or more grateful.
I am by no means out of the burn out but I’m coming up to the last leg of the recovery stage and I think I might go to Bali to finish that portion of the recovery process off. I can eat lots of raw vegan food there, lots of lucious and fresh tropical fruits, I will be living literally in the jungle, so lots of nature (my biggest source of nourishment) and I can do lots of yoga, go the gym, swim and just relax and take it easy.
All the years of wondering round in the wilderness, not ever really knowing what was happening, going from one train wreck to another. All the years of prisons and being homeless and living on the streets and all that jazz seems almost a lifetime away. Don’t get me wrong, to me, my life wasn’t a train wreck. I loved my life, apart from when I was suicidal, of course, but thank god I never achieved that aim because I would miss out on all what I have now.
Most people would look at my life and think I have nothing. But they are the people who value things like houses and cars and money, holidays and having the latest clothes or gadgets. None of those things have ever held any value to me and neither has fitting in with society. I had my stage of trying to fit in, when I needed some help raising my son, but that was the worst time in my life and I vowed then, that I would never try that again.
Then I got my diagnosis and boom, straight away, I went from thinking I didn’t belong on this planet to knowing I did. To knowing I was a human being just like everybody else and I thererfore I had a place on this earth, just like everybody else. That, to me, means more to me than all the tea in china.
All I ever wanted to know, was who was I and why was I here. My diagnosis answered those questions for me and although it’s been a roller coaster of a journey since I got my diagnosis, it’s been the best time of my life. Every second I have lived, since getting my diagnosis has been the best second of my life because to know who I am, is so precious to me.
And to be autsitic in the world today just blows my mind. We are growing in understanding and acceptance and apparently, according to some people, it’s even trendy to be autistic. Who’d have thought, I’m trendy, just for being me
I love my days when I go out and about, chatting mostly about autism, to all the beautiful people I meet along the way. And I love how people are so uplifted when they hear more about autsim. It’s clear it’s not just me that likes learning new stuff. I love all the different reactions I get when I tell people I’m autistic and I love how much help I get I only have to walk into a shop now and if I’m up for talking, I simply tell them I’m autistic and what I want and people fall over themselves to help me. But more than that, they never patronize me or treat me like I’m an idiot, they are always so kind and friendly and helpful. I feel we both get something out of our interactions.
I also love my time alone. Days after days just me, myself and I. No contact at all from the outside world. I guess I’m lucky to live by myself so I can enjoy so much delicious and glorious me time. It’s not quite the same as when I was in full on burn out mode where I could indulge, completely, in my autistic nature. That was heaven. But I know I wasn’t put on the earth to do just that. I know I must do more than that. And I will. I’m working my way up to that. But for the time being, I’m going to enjoy the last leg of my burnout journey.
It’s good to read that you are happy right now.
I suspect that when it comes to being trendy, you are more successful in that area, than I am.
I hope you continue to be happy for a long time. And don’t forget to start eating again once you have recovered from the sickness.
Well people seem to like my style of dress, but I'm not sure it's trendy! I'm not sure if I've ever been called trendy or thought of in that way so it makes me smile to think I am, just for being me
Thank you and yes, I braved something to eat today, nothing too heavy and right enough, it sent me to the loo but nothing too dramatic and I wasn't sick, if you know what I mean ;) and I feel ok. My stomach is still a bit jittery but it seems to have accepted the food ok so tomorrow, I'll try a bit more and on Monday, I get my first online shopping delivered - I'm really excited about that as I've taken probably a month to work on the shopping list and I think it's going to help me greatly with my eating habits.
When I go shopping, I can never eat on the same day and then if I've eaten out one day, I want to do it again the next day! lol! repetitive behaviour/a need for sameness! But the food I eat when out, isn't that good for me and after a couple of days, I'm usually in pain and then can't eat for days, so food gets wasted and the saga continues.
So when my support worker suggested online shopping, I thought she was a pure genius. Of course I knew about on line shopping but I had never considered it for myself - not unusual, as I am realizing, I'm often blindsided to the simplest of things! loll
But I'm super delighted she suggested it because I think it's going to make a big positive impact to my eating which I am hoping will give me more regular energy and enable me to get exercising, slowly, and begin building new daily routines that will eventually get me back into work :)
I will have to be careful to not get carried away with myself and to take things slowly, that's why I think Bali might be a good idea. Life is so slow there that you can't not take it easy and honestly, I swear they're a island of autistic people! At least they are very autistic friendly and it's very cheap to live there. But I still have some de-cluttering to do before i go anywhere, that's my priority because I have realised that without absolute order and a minimalist home, I'm not going to survive. So this de-cluttering process is not easy but after every load of stuff I get rid of, after the grief and anxiety etc goes, I feel better and better, so I must keep soldiering on, bit by bit.
Thanks, as always, for your support
I'm genuinely glad that you're happy right now. I wish you well with the rest of your journey - through burnout and illness, and beyond.