A day of shifting moods...

I woke this morning feeling a bit more positive.  The sunlight helped.  I decided to get some exercise, as I haven't really done any since my latest issues began.  So I got into my gear and took the bike out.

I cycled along the coast, heading west.  On the way, it occurred to me that I would pass the local branch of the Shaw Trust on the way back.  I found them very helpful seven years ago, when I was getting over a breakdown.  I'd been two years out of work on ESA at the time.  I always looked forward to going over there and seeing my key worker, doing some job searches, having a cuppa and a chat.  So... I decided to call in on the off chance.

There was only one chap there and he welcomed me in, sat me down, asked me how they could help.  I told him about my current circumstance.  The problems at work.  The sick leave it had necessitated.  The fact that I was beginning to feel - just as things were looking up and I was settled - as if it was all coming unraveled again.  Like I didn't know a way forwards, even if I was confident I would find one.  We chatted for over an hour in the end.  He's my age, and a London lad like me.  He said he'd been through workplace bullying, also with a narcissist, and it had reduced him to rubble.  I told him I was in two minds: to go back and tough it out for a while, or to work my ticket on sick leave.  "That's what I did in the end," he said.  "I tried going back, time after time, but it didn't work.  I tried mediation, but it made things worse.  It wrecked my health and took me a long time to get over."  He could have been reading my mind.  He said that he wouldn't be able, in his professional capacity, to tell me to do the same - but as man to man, he said it's what he'd do.  "If she's as bad as you say, mate, she'll get you in the end.  It's just whether it's sooner or later, and how much more you can take."

I told him I was seeing the Behaviour Manager and the HR Manager tomorrow to discuss ways forwards.  He asked me what time, then said "Come straight here afterwards, I'll get you registered to the service, and we'll look at what we can do.  Tell them you're seeing an employment support adviser later and you'll get back to them."  It was great at last to speak to someone face-to-face who seemed to really understand and be able to offer genuine support.  He said he also had two young lads in his family with autism, and he knew the impact it could have.  "The smallest things can seem huge and insurmountable," he said.  Exactly.   He helped me with some pointers on Universal Credit, he told me a few things to say at the meeting tomorrow, and then I left.  I felt lighter than I'd felt for ages.

This afternoon, I did my online UC claim - and just the doing of it, going through all my personal details and having to ring for an appointment, brought me down.  By the time it was finished, I felt exhausted.  I lit some candles, sat in the chair with Daisy on my lap, and flicked through my photo album on my phone.  The months with mum.  Our last Christmas together.  Our trips out during that final spring.  Then earlier, when I first got Daisy, and all the photos of her since.  All those precious memories.  And I couldn't pin down a single feeling.  Sadness, anger, loss, regret, fear - and a bit of hope, perhaps... it was all just tumbling around in there.  And for the first time since the night mum passed, I shed some tears.  It made me feel a bit better again. 

It's a strange time of year anyway, I always think.  A time, perhaps, for memories.  For reflection.  Maybe for hope.  I'm trying to look on the bright side.  My appointment at the Job Centre is on Monday, not long after my interview at the College.  So I can clear two things up at once.  I'm hopeful of another interview, too, at the place I worked before.  That's nearby, and I was happy there.  It's an admin role, so 9 to 5.  But still in a field of work that means a lot to me.  The UC claim, I feel, won't be for long.

So, yes... there's still hope in there, somewhere.