Published on 12, July, 2020
I woke this morning feeling a bit more positive. The sunlight helped. I decided to get some exercise, as I haven't really done any since my latest issues began. So I got into my gear and took the bike out.
I cycled along the coast, heading west. On the way, it occurred to me that I would pass the local branch of the Shaw Trust on the way back. I found them very helpful seven years ago, when I was getting over a breakdown. I'd been two years out of work on ESA at the time. I always looked forward to going over there and seeing my key worker, doing some job searches, having a cuppa and a chat. So... I decided to call in on the off chance.
There was only one chap there and he welcomed me in, sat me down, asked me how they could help. I told him about my current circumstance. The problems at work. The sick leave it had necessitated. The fact that I was beginning to feel - just as things were looking up and I was settled - as if it was all coming unraveled again. Like I didn't know a way forwards, even if I was confident I would find one. We chatted for over an hour in the end. He's my age, and a London lad like me. He said he'd been through workplace bullying, also with a narcissist, and it had reduced him to rubble. I told him I was in two minds: to go back and tough it out for a while, or to work my ticket on sick leave. "That's what I did in the end," he said. "I tried going back, time after time, but it didn't work. I tried mediation, but it made things worse. It wrecked my health and took me a long time to get over." He could have been reading my mind. He said that he wouldn't be able, in his professional capacity, to tell me to do the same - but as man to man, he said it's what he'd do. "If she's as bad as you say, mate, she'll get you in the end. It's just whether it's sooner or later, and how much more you can take."
I told him I was seeing the Behaviour Manager and the HR Manager tomorrow to discuss ways forwards. He asked me what time, then said "Come straight here afterwards, I'll get you registered to the service, and we'll look at what we can do. Tell them you're seeing an employment support adviser later and you'll get back to them." It was great at last to speak to someone face-to-face who seemed to really understand and be able to offer genuine support. He said he also had two young lads in his family with autism, and he knew the impact it could have. "The smallest things can seem huge and insurmountable," he said. Exactly. He helped me with some pointers on Universal Credit, he told me a few things to say at the meeting tomorrow, and then I left. I felt lighter than I'd felt for ages.
This afternoon, I did my online UC claim - and just the doing of it, going through all my personal details and having to ring for an appointment, brought me down. By the time it was finished, I felt exhausted. I lit some candles, sat in the chair with Daisy on my lap, and flicked through my photo album on my phone. The months with mum. Our last Christmas together. Our trips out during that final spring. Then earlier, when I first got Daisy, and all the photos of her since. All those precious memories. And I couldn't pin down a single feeling. Sadness, anger, loss, regret, fear - and a bit of hope, perhaps... it was all just tumbling around in there. And for the first time since the night mum passed, I shed some tears. It made me feel a bit better again.
It's a strange time of year anyway, I always think. A time, perhaps, for memories. For reflection. Maybe for hope. I'm trying to look on the bright side. My appointment at the Job Centre is on Monday, not long after my interview at the College. So I can clear two things up at once. I'm hopeful of another interview, too, at the place I worked before. That's nearby, and I was happy there. It's an admin role, so 9 to 5. But still in a field of work that means a lot to me. The UC claim, I feel, won't be for long.
So, yes... there's still hope in there, somewhere.
Hm... this bodes well. I think not.
I've just had a rather stiff-sounding email from the Occupational Health provider being used by my employer. They tried to contact me yesterday by phone, but I didn't answer. Actually, I had one missed call yesterday (with no voice message) that looked like it was from my phone line provider, so I ignored it.
They've booked me a telephone consultation (not good) for 28th December. I visited their website, and wasn't really inspired by what I saw.
Apparently, they work in 'cohesion' with employers 'to tackle the complex risks associated with sick absence, productivity, etc...' I suppose 'cohesion' is appropriate, but it seems an odd choice of wording. It then says they are led by 'commercially minded professionals who understand the need for accurate and timely communication' - if not sensitive communication, it seems. Time is money for them, I suppose, so what else should I expect?
Thanks. I actually reached a point in the Job Centre when I felt light-headed - like I was going to pass out. I'm still not completely 'straight'. Heart is racing a lot. It kept me awake again last night - bang-bang-bang. Nothing wrong with it. Just stress.
I'm a bit out of the loop with admin work now. My Excel skills are out of date. Not sure how I feel about working in an office again, either. Office politics is partly what drove me out of the civil service. But no sense in not going for it.
The college certainly feels good - instinctively.
So glad you are ok - must have taken lots of energy to do both interviews in one day. Hope you can have a restful evening. Congratulations on getting shortlisted for the other job - a ten minute cycle ride to work sounds very appealing!
Thanks, Anna. Interview went very well. The whole process was two hours, and included two observations - working with students in a variety of situations. At the end of the 'questions and answers' bit, one of the interviewers said 'We need more people like you in care', which was encouraging.
The second interview - for my temporary (I hope) UC claim was much shorter, but more traumatic. Having to trawl over my personal details.
Then I got home to find that I'd been shortlisted for another job - at the care charity I used to work. Admin this time, not front line. Should be interviewed later this week.
Like buses... you wait ages, then two come along at once.
If I get offered both, it'll be a difficult choice. The College looks great, and it's still front line care work with more travelling. The other place is a ten-minute cycle ride along the road, and I enjoyed working there. It's office work, but maybe it's time to give the care a rest.
We'll see how it pans out.
Thanks and I wish you the best of luck tomorrow may the force be with you!
Thank you. Beautiful!
May the rainbow be with you tomorrow Martian Tom
Thanks, Anna. I sometimes wonder how much of it is courage, though. I think it almost comes to 'If I don't do this, I'll go under.' It doesn't get any easier.
I hope your daughter will find her way, in time.
Sounds like you've had a very productive day getting out there and facing life and talking to people...I wish that my daughter could have a piece of your courage
Thanks
Boning up today on safeguarding, Educational Health Care Plans, etc. I know pretty much what I need to say, though.
Best of luck with the interview on Monday.
Thanks, Yttrium. And to you.
Today was stressful, having that meeting with the Behaviour and HR Managers. I got to say my piece, anyway, and to say I was feeling disappointed in the way 'reasonable adjustments' didn't seem to be being taken seriously. I also explained why mediation would not only not work, but might actually be dangerous. Once it's out in the open, word could spread to her confederates, which could then turn them against me, too. So, they've offered a transfer to an adjacent unit, which won't be ideal because it's residential, with varying shift patterns, and a referral to Occupational Health. First of all, though, they've stipulated that I don't return to work until some alternative is in place. In other words, keep getting myself signed off for now.
I then went to the Shaw Trust and registered. They're hugely supportive. So, feeling better already.
Job interview Monday, which I'm hopeful about. Another interview possibly in the offing. Things will work out, one way or the other.
Martian Tom. I hope you have a relaxing christmas and that 2019 is a year of positivity and personal triumphs. Yttrium.