Where on earth do I even begin with unmasking????

hmmm... lately I've been thinking quite a bit on the subject of "psychological and social conditioning".  B  Yep a lot of people are self engrossed and maybe the social conditioning we experience really feeds that.  E.g. someone along time ago might have conditioned you to be socially anxious about blushing by teasing or giving you a hard time about it... This continues until you meet someone who helps you realise it's "no big thing" and with a bit of help can break the conditioning.  

personally I think the "big thing" for me is just how much effort I have to put into a lot of the social communication thing in some areas - I find it really hard work - maybe that's what comes across as being "too much" care about what others think?  (oh and also a lifetime of being judged as weird rather than being understood as autistic...)

I think the point is to reduce effort. If you are trying hard I think you are missing the point. Being you should not be hugely effortful.

The point is to relax, allow yourself to make mistakes, and try to be calm. When you stop trying so hard and you find nothing bad happens, your nervous system calms a bit and you start to be more natural. Other people then respond differently.

You might notice when relaxed the sensory issues are less. They are partly ramped up with the threat response.

Anything that helps to calm you will help. 

There is one thing I have now given up doing and that is eye contact. I used to have to concentrate so hard to make sure I did it correctly that it was difficult to follow a conversation. Now I look somewhere nearby.

Martin said:

regard an autistic person trying hard to fit in with the expectations of a society shaped by the 'majority neurotype', is doing just that. They are using acquired skills, not betraying a fundamental aspect of their identity.

I agree.

I do not think that masking and therefore unmasking are very useful concepts. It is particularly the attitude, expressed by parts of the autistic community, that regards the 'masked' autistic person as being fundamentally inauthentic that I object to. I regard an autistic person trying hard to fit in with the expectations of a society shaped by the 'majority neurotype', is doing just that. They are using acquired skills, not betraying a fundamental aspect of their identity. If using skill and intellectual effort allows an autistic individual to move seamlessly in society and achieve goals, and this causes no appreciable mental discomfort or damage then it is beneficial. If it causes meltdowns, shutdowns and burnout, then stopping, i.e. 'unmasking' is obviously necessary. However, unmasking is not a universal panacea, and pressure to stop trying to fit in with allistic social and communication expectations, 'unmasking', is just one more pressure on autistic people to behave in certain prescribed ways.

Do whatever makes you personally feel more comfortable and do not feel pressured into fitting with anyone's expectations, if these cause distress or prevent you achieving what you want to achieve.

Brilliant Roy!

Roy said:

I don’t think we can just completely unmask, it’s just too deeply ingrained, the more I explored my autistic identity, the more my brain just relaxed and let my real self shine through.

Although I don't use the term 'unmasking' I think that's what I've done too since my diagnosis.

That’s something I struggled with, we seem to spend a lifetime conscious of being judged by others and trying to fit in. 
It changed once I took a step back and more observed them. I’m not comfortable with eye contact so don’t often do it. I have noticed it makes NT people uncomfortable and upsets their rhythm.

I don’t think we can just completely unmask, it’s just too deeply ingrained, the more I explored my autistic identity, the more my brain just relaxed and let my real self shine through.

Phased said:

one may see one's own situation thro' others

This triggered a memory for me.

Years ago I had CBT for blushing/social anxiety.

The person I saw suggested I ask people close to me how they perceived my blushing.

I was astonished to find that something that had socially crippled me most of my life and led to me avoiding dating situations, was actually just noticed by others but wasn't a 'big thing' for them.

Also, I remember once apologising to someone at work for something I'd said and she said something like 'you worry too much about things - it really didn't mean much to me and I had forgotten about it'.

I wonder whether our sensitivity leads us to care 'too much' what others think of us when actually most people are more engrossed by their own internal lives.

good point Lonehare12 and B 

re-reading my post in this thread - likely I was doing that very thing!

one may see one's own situation thro' others and one may offer the opportunity for them to see themselves thro' expressing that

it's another step to reach outside of this and truly take the others perspective and respond to that alone

Thanks both of you.

Phased

I’m trying to unmask as well and I’m finding it difficult to. What I’ve been doing so far is to unmask slightly, be more authentic, but just for a few minutes during an interaction. My language becomes very repetitive and I use lots of vocalisations but only briefly. As time goes on I am hoping to try it for longer. It helps to practice with someone very close to me who completely understands my situation. 

Lonehare12 said:

Remember people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are they are usually thinking about themselves.

Very good point.

Hiwob5 

It’s a tough one but I started with the thing I found most difficult which is eye contact. I’ve discovered that I can look at people when they are speaking but when I speak that’s when it gets hard so I don’t do it and it did feel awkward initially but now it’s so much  easier. 

Try not to force yourself into it, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and if you apply pressure to the situation it usually makes things worse.

Have faith in yourself you’ll get there eventually and that’s all that matters.

Remember people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are they are usually thinking about themselves.

Wishing you well

well, i am impressed by B who has never felt the need to do maks - maybe it depends upon one's situation and environment!

Dropping the mask in the workplace where power dynamics lead to honesty being a risk to the hierarchy and therefore to oneself has been the danger zone for me...

outside - well friends and family who take one for who one genuinely is - or not...  - far less of an issue...

trying harder when attempting to "unmask" maybe misses the point of it long term - being "naturally oneself" maybe is "meant to be" a lower effort process than masking? The risk I personally find is that when I do the "this is me" thing I'm often a bit too "full on" for many people... takes a while for the "outpouring" of all that genuineness to slow down a bit...

Best wishes

phased

I have never felt the need to 'unmask'.

You may find this thread of interest 

 Is the concept of masking accurate or useful?