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Bitter man

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I am 44, spent 25 years of my life as an alcoholic to make myself a NT servant. Long story short, got sober and psychoanalysed then was diagnosed with Autism. This obviously answered most questions in my life bla bla usual late diagnoses story. Been dry a while now and the only other feeling I feel then the normal "blank" is anger, real anger rage, it changes my whole body like nothing else does, [post edited by moderator to remove content in breach of rules 3 and 4]

I know it is bitterness but I am angry

Anyone else feel like this? 

  • You found out at 44, not 55 or 65.nYou still have time to do things, but not is you alienate everyone. Being angry and lonely is not better.

    You need to find a way to come to terms with the past and let it go or it will consume your future. Being on edge will make you snap at some point.

    You also need to accept some responsibility for your actions. You were the one picking up the bottle and drinking it. Yes the are are mitigating circumstances, but it was not done to you.

    I'd suggest exercise, such as running, rowing, cycling, swimming. For 40+ minutes and see if it calms you. It uses up the energy and burns cortisol and adrenaline. 

  • I feel some resentment occasionally and amusement at weird NT ways. Occasionally I will feel anger but never to the level that you describe. You say it feels intoxicating so it sounds like the feelings it gives you are replacing some of what alcohol gave you. Living with this rage can only be harmful to you long term.  As Iain said, seeing a psychotherapist will help you to understand the feelings you have more. It sounds like maybe any negative feeling you have is turned into anger.

    The majority of NT people are just trying to get through life in the same way all of us are. They have their own problems and had no part in designing the world we live in and had no say in the type of brain they got at birth.

  • Unknown said:
    the only other feeling I feel then the normal "blank" is anger, real anger rage

    I think what is happening here is that you have not learned how to connect with your emotioins very well yet.

    Anger and fear are the two most primitive emotions and the ones we can connect with most easily, but are both quite damaging. With some guidance you can learn to connect with other emotions, identify them and be able to articulate them so you can feel more human and less like a primal beast.

    My advice would be to get yourself a psychotherapist to work though this and any other issues you have - just make sure they have experience with helping autists.

    Unknown said:
    I am big, strong and as I do not feel anything I want to go on a NT purge and reshape this world.

    This route will result in you reshaping your prison cell most likely - I do not recommend letting this urge remain unchecked for your own sake.

    I went through a defferent path to you but there were similarities. My therapist showed me ways to cope and connect that made a huge, positive difference for me.

  • The best way to look at is anger will only make you numb. You need to learn how to feel as much as you can. If you actually look at who you are you have a lot to be happy about.

    I suppose I am a bit resentful of having to live in a society (that does not really employ me) I have given so much with good intention to only to be undermined by these people yes. To put it in context. I have had employers deliberately not pay me, not pay my taxes or National insurance (which I have had HMRC take them up on). I get people hurling abuse at me on the bus, I have been assualted twice in the last year. It’s all a kind of slavery yes, we are the creative ones with the talents being milked. My brother is a neurotypical, he is an *** materialistic agressive inconsiderate. He projects confidence but really he is miserable. Distance yourself from these people.

    What do you have to get revenge about, the thing neurotypicals most want they will never have. This is what makes me laugh. Laughing is healthy.