Feeling like I'm gonna explode

Thank you for your response. The difficult thing about accessing my medical records is that I'm living in another country so they wouldn't send it abroad.  There is only one person, who could possibly receive it it's my only friend. Some of these examinations were done 30 years ago, that clinic does not exist anymore so I don't know it could possibly only be in national archives or not anymore. I want to collect as much as I can just in case if I'm ever In a situation that I have to be tested for autism or other developmental disorder. The only thing I have are school reports,  they don't say anything about my behaviour,  just "well behaved", they show my spikey skill profile and I have some old request to speak to a psychologist. I also found old email from other family member about how I was in my toddler years. That's it really, so I don't think anyone would believe that I really was different since early childhood. I don't trust anyone in my family and I have ti be careful with them all.

My mom didn't erase my medical history,  she just threw out all my papers, anything that stated, that something was wrong. Another thing is that there could be not much on a paper. I can see the difference between my country and Germany, where I'm living. Here doctors give everything on paper. There I was diagnosed with tourette and depression and I got nothing on a paper. Just prescription for meds. I remember I got Sirdarud for tourette (proven wrong diagnosis) and the side effects of those meds were such a he'll, awful that I preferred having those tics than the side effects. So if I'm not lucky enough, I would be basically not believed that all this actually happened. That's why the records are so important for me to keep just in case.

it sounds like you are in a vulnerable person situation dealing with a gang of narcissist, they will never take responsibility, they will never admit to doing anything wrong so dont try to get it from them, its a wast of time, you have my empathy your in a trap and the autism is making it hard to do anything, and see the wood from the trees, but you do have choices its good you speaking to a psychologist, you need separation from these people, its completely your choice what you do, but do something your children would be proud of.

another thing is you could phone the citizens advice beuro, they are great for advice wether its legal or finding out any support you are entitled to, especially as you are a mother and nd, the could be some help that could be really useful, its completely free and their really nice and helpful 

one thing I need you to know its absolutely nothing you have done that has caused this, it is very normal for childhood trauma suffered to internalise their suffering and blame them selves, it isn't you, its a natural defence strategy that children use to protect themselves, as a child you weren't allowed to blame your parents because that would mean abandonment and death, but you need someone to blame because it gives you a small feeling of control, so the pain become internalised, the feelings you feel are meant for your mother, please dont hold yourself accountable for the actions of both your parents.

your mothers actions sound diabolical, anyone who lets their little daughter feel unsafe, unloved and not protected deserve a little place in hell, and is despicable human, you dont chose your family, but now you can chose if they are in your life, I hope you cut her off and she isn't allowed anywhere near your children, if she has done this to you whose to say she wont absolutely do this to your children, she is a real threat to your kids dont let the cycle continue, please get your children away from this woman, as a parent and a human being.

it will be impossible, but try to live for the future and not dwell in the past ( I dont know if this is even possible, but dont spend any more time then necessary thinking about things you cant change) 

I hope you can find help with the counselling, your not being weak by wanting to talk about this, these things are extremely hard to deal with for nt let alone a nd, lots of people develop drinking and drug habits, this kinda stuff can derail anybody's life, so talking about it is a good thing not a sign of anything wrong, humans are social creatures and expressing your issues and problems is a very human way to connect and solve issues.

I'm sorry you experienced this - I cannot imagine how hard this must have been to live through then and now.

Do you suspect your mother is neurodivergent?

Your medical records should have central copies within the medical system so it may help to ask them what they have on file for you. It should be very difficult for someone to erase formal medical history for exactly the reason of cover-ups like this. It may not actually do anything by having the records but being able to see the facts in front of your eyes may help you process this (with the help of a good therapist) and find some closure or acceptance to this part of your life.

With the track record of your mothers behaviour I would give her very limited access to your family. People rarely change behaviour when it is long established so I would only ever allow supervised access and make it clear why you are doing this. Make sure all the adults who could give her access know why (as much as you are willing to share) and make sure your child knows their grandmother is not to be trusted and ask her to promise to tell you what they talk about.

You are in a very difficult position here but in your shoes this is what I would do. Take back control, make hard boundaries and let her know you know and that is is not acceptable what happened.

Personally I would probably cut her out of your families life altogher and tell them why - but that is just me.

You are strong and brave. Thank you for sharing with us.

Thank you, yes I also think my mom could see a psychologist,  but she is in denial. It's her decision and her life. She us telling me now, she tried her best and I habe to understand because of blah blah situation and she was young etc. Yes, and I was a child. Thank you for your advice, I will be careful with the grooming. She has narcissistic behaviour and all of them actually and they always stand for each other no matter what, itsonly me being stubbirn and stupid if I stand for truth and justice and not just with them.

You've so much right to be furiously angry at what's been criminally done to you. Children are innocent, and adults who inflict what you describe on children in their care are the worst of them all. And for her to still be trying to blame you and make you feel that you somehow deserved it is perverse and deprived. 

I desperately want for you to be free of the continued pain, but can see the difficult situation you are in. I won't suggest what's been said already.

I would ask the psychologist that's seeing your daughter to check that your mother is having proper boundaries with your child, in case she tries to pass on resentment towards you (does she have 'little secrets'). She might not have started yet but grooming her to hate you when she's older is sadly got to be on your radar. This is the only practical advice I can think of if you are dealing with someone who is trying to twist reality to protect themselves. (Your mother trying to make sure you aren't believed). This is a good idea anyway, I've had chats with my kids that if anyone tries to tell them they have to keep a secret, they can still tell me.

I would also tell your mother should see a psychologist?

I wish you could get assessed and then get independent support in place so you could cut ties. But I know how difficult it can be. It might be worth thinking about again though in light of the revelation?

I hope you can use your anger to stay strong and stand up for your rights. You are ten times the person she is, autism included. If you can't do anything else, make sure she knows she has lost the moral high ground.

It's all complicated, thank you for your answer.

Historical cases come up in the UK, not sure about elsewhere. They seem to find enough evidence.

But reporting it is up to you.

If you can't get an apology the minimum you can do is cut people off. If you don't do that, and you don't want sympathy, then I am not sure what to say.

My daughter loves her granny and keeps talking about seeing her. I can't do it to her. My mom won't hurt my daughter,  because she hasno right to decide. Like for example I had teachers in the nursery who told me, there are problems with my daughter and we should go to psychologist.  My mom told my teachers, when i was akid, that she will not take me and I'm fine. Refused to believe them. I'm not like her, i take care of my daughter wellbeing and I took her to psychologist,  although my mom told me, there is no reason and the teachers are exaggerating.  I told her it's nit up to her and I will do what teachers suggest. 

I'm sorry, what is illegal? You mean, that they've done to me or what else? Yes, of course all this was illegal. I won't file any court case, these are old events that happened 25+ years ago and I have no power to fight for my rights. If there was anything to win... and I have no proof.

What you are suggesting is illegal. It is up to you if you want to tell someone.in authority.

What happens would depend.

It can cause issues for a long time. I am sorry.

I'm sorry you are still experiencing trauma and anger due to your mother. I had some similar experiences and my life got better after I decided to stop all contact with my parents. I know you have a child and don't want her to be kept from seeing her grandmother, but I wonder if your mother will be a bad influence on your daughter? If you do stop contact, you could always let your daughter decide when she is old enough whether she wants to reconnect with her grandmother. I'm sorry I can't give any good advice, but I understand how difficult it is.