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Feeling like I'm gonna explode

Alien0n3arth

I'm feeling like I'm gonna explode our of anger. I just realised, what was the reason my mom always prevented me from getting any psychological help. There was violence,  neglect an se*ual abuse. This is what I experienced in my childhood.  If I told at that time a psychologist, what happened to me, there would be a court case against my parents and I would be probably taken away as well as my siblings. So to avoid these consequences,  my mom decided to cover my problems along with the trauma, wait till it all goes away, gaslight me telling me, everything if fine, I have no problems although they were obviously visible. She destroyed my medical records from my childhood,  destroyed my diaries, pictures, anything that I could use. Currently I may not need the formal diagnosis,  but who knows what will be in the future. I still struggle with interactions, also a lot with repetitive behaviours, it affects my whole family. My mom prevented me from getting help in the past and she keeps doing it till today. If I'm  ever left to live alone, I will be fully lost, as I struggle to take care of myself and I may need external help with parenting. 

I feel deep anger and sadness, I don't know, what have I done to my mom to receive such treatment. Maybe the simple fact that I wasn't likeable and it was of course all my fault. I wasn't sweet cheerful child, willing to hug, I was a weirdo with trams, not making eye contact, not playing eith kids etc. 

The very fact that she made it to me feels like I'm getting nausea. I would love to cut the contact, but I can't. 

I'm not sure why, I'm just sharing. I don't need comforting, maybe some advice if anyone can give any. 

Parents

  • I'm sorry you experienced this - I cannot imagine how hard this must have been to live through then and now.

    Do you suspect your mother is neurodivergent?

    Your medical records should have central copies within the medical system so it may help to ask them what they have on file for you. It should be very difficult for someone to erase formal medical history for exactly the reason of cover-ups like this. It may not actually do anything by having the records but being able to see the facts in front of your eyes may help you process this (with the help of a good therapist) and find some closure or acceptance to this part of your life.

    With the track record of your mothers behaviour I would give her very limited access to your family. People rarely change behaviour when it is long established so I would only ever allow supervised access and make it clear why you are doing this. Make sure all the adults who could give her access know why (as much as you are willing to share) and make sure your child knows their grandmother is not to be trusted and ask her to promise to tell you what they talk about.

    You are in a very difficult position here but in your shoes this is what I would do. Take back control, make hard boundaries and let her know you know and that is is not acceptable what happened.

    Personally I would probably cut her out of your families life altogher and tell them why - but that is just me.

    You are strong and brave. Thank you for sharing with us.

Reply

  • I'm sorry you experienced this - I cannot imagine how hard this must have been to live through then and now.

    Do you suspect your mother is neurodivergent?

    Your medical records should have central copies within the medical system so it may help to ask them what they have on file for you. It should be very difficult for someone to erase formal medical history for exactly the reason of cover-ups like this. It may not actually do anything by having the records but being able to see the facts in front of your eyes may help you process this (with the help of a good therapist) and find some closure or acceptance to this part of your life.

    With the track record of your mothers behaviour I would give her very limited access to your family. People rarely change behaviour when it is long established so I would only ever allow supervised access and make it clear why you are doing this. Make sure all the adults who could give her access know why (as much as you are willing to share) and make sure your child knows their grandmother is not to be trusted and ask her to promise to tell you what they talk about.

    You are in a very difficult position here but in your shoes this is what I would do. Take back control, make hard boundaries and let her know you know and that is is not acceptable what happened.

    Personally I would probably cut her out of your families life altogher and tell them why - but that is just me.

    You are strong and brave. Thank you for sharing with us.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for your response. The difficult thing about accessing my medical records is that I'm living in another country so they wouldn't send it abroad.  There is only one person, who could possibly receive it it's my only friend. Some of these examinations were done 30 years ago, that clinic does not exist anymore so I don't know it could possibly only be in national archives or not anymore. I want to collect as much as I can just in case if I'm ever In a situation that I have to be tested for autism or other developmental disorder. The only thing I have are school reports,  they don't say anything about my behaviour,  just "well behaved", they show my spikey skill profile and I have some old request to speak to a psychologist. I also found old email from other family member about how I was in my toddler years. That's it really, so I don't think anyone would believe that I really was different since early childhood. I don't trust anyone in my family and I have ti be careful with them all.

    My mom didn't erase my medical history,  she just threw out all my papers, anything that stated, that something was wrong. Another thing is that there could be not much on a paper. I can see the difference between my country and Germany, where I'm living. Here doctors give everything on paper. There I was diagnosed with tourette and depression and I got nothing on a paper. Just prescription for meds. I remember I got Sirdarud for tourette (proven wrong diagnosis) and the side effects of those meds were such a he'll, awful that I preferred having those tics than the side effects. So if I'm not lucky enough, I would be basically not believed that all this actually happened. That's why the records are so important for me to keep just in case.