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Feeling like I'm gonna explode

Alien0n3arth

I'm feeling like I'm gonna explode our of anger. I just realised, what was the reason my mom always prevented me from getting any psychological help. There was violence,  neglect an se*ual abuse. This is what I experienced in my childhood.  If I told at that time a psychologist, what happened to me, there would be a court case against my parents and I would be probably taken away as well as my siblings. So to avoid these consequences,  my mom decided to cover my problems along with the trauma, wait till it all goes away, gaslight me telling me, everything if fine, I have no problems although they were obviously visible. She destroyed my medical records from my childhood,  destroyed my diaries, pictures, anything that I could use. Currently I may not need the formal diagnosis,  but who knows what will be in the future. I still struggle with interactions, also a lot with repetitive behaviours, it affects my whole family. My mom prevented me from getting help in the past and she keeps doing it till today. If I'm  ever left to live alone, I will be fully lost, as I struggle to take care of myself and I may need external help with parenting. 

I feel deep anger and sadness, I don't know, what have I done to my mom to receive such treatment. Maybe the simple fact that I wasn't likeable and it was of course all my fault. I wasn't sweet cheerful child, willing to hug, I was a weirdo with trams, not making eye contact, not playing eith kids etc. 

The very fact that she made it to me feels like I'm getting nausea. I would love to cut the contact, but I can't. 

I'm not sure why, I'm just sharing. I don't need comforting, maybe some advice if anyone can give any. 

Parents

  • You've so much right to be furiously angry at what's been criminally done to you. Children are innocent, and adults who inflict what you describe on children in their care are the worst of them all. And for her to still be trying to blame you and make you feel that you somehow deserved it is perverse and deprived. 

    I desperately want for you to be free of the continued pain, but can see the difficult situation you are in. I won't suggest what's been said already.

    I would ask the psychologist that's seeing your daughter to check that your mother is having proper boundaries with your child, in case she tries to pass on resentment towards you (does she have 'little secrets'). She might not have started yet but grooming her to hate you when she's older is sadly got to be on your radar. This is the only practical advice I can think of if you are dealing with someone who is trying to twist reality to protect themselves. (Your mother trying to make sure you aren't believed). This is a good idea anyway, I've had chats with my kids that if anyone tries to tell them they have to keep a secret, they can still tell me.

    I would also tell your mother should see a psychologist?

    I wish you could get assessed and then get independent support in place so you could cut ties. But I know how difficult it can be. It might be worth thinking about again though in light of the revelation?

    I hope you can use your anger to stay strong and stand up for your rights. You are ten times the person she is, autism included. If you can't do anything else, make sure she knows she has lost the moral high ground.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you, yes I also think my mom could see a psychologist,  but she is in denial. It's her decision and her life. She us telling me now, she tried her best and I habe to understand because of blah blah situation and she was young etc. Yes, and I was a child. Thank you for your advice, I will be careful with the grooming. She has narcissistic behaviour and all of them actually and they always stand for each other no matter what, itsonly me being stubbirn and stupid if I stand for truth and justice and not just with them.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    it sounds like you are in a vulnerable person situation dealing with a gang of narcissist, they will never take responsibility, they will never admit to doing anything wrong so dont try to get it from them, its a wast of time, you have my empathy your in a trap and the autism is making it hard to do anything, and see the wood from the trees, but you do have choices its good you speaking to a psychologist, you need separation from these people, its completely your choice what you do, but do something your children would be proud of.

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  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    it sounds like you are in a vulnerable person situation dealing with a gang of narcissist, they will never take responsibility, they will never admit to doing anything wrong so dont try to get it from them, its a wast of time, you have my empathy your in a trap and the autism is making it hard to do anything, and see the wood from the trees, but you do have choices its good you speaking to a psychologist, you need separation from these people, its completely your choice what you do, but do something your children would be proud of.

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