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Feeling like I'm gonna explode

Alien0n3arth

I'm feeling like I'm gonna explode our of anger. I just realised, what was the reason my mom always prevented me from getting any psychological help. There was violence,  neglect an se*ual abuse. This is what I experienced in my childhood.  If I told at that time a psychologist, what happened to me, there would be a court case against my parents and I would be probably taken away as well as my siblings. So to avoid these consequences,  my mom decided to cover my problems along with the trauma, wait till it all goes away, gaslight me telling me, everything if fine, I have no problems although they were obviously visible. She destroyed my medical records from my childhood,  destroyed my diaries, pictures, anything that I could use. Currently I may not need the formal diagnosis,  but who knows what will be in the future. I still struggle with interactions, also a lot with repetitive behaviours, it affects my whole family. My mom prevented me from getting help in the past and she keeps doing it till today. If I'm  ever left to live alone, I will be fully lost, as I struggle to take care of myself and I may need external help with parenting. 

I feel deep anger and sadness, I don't know, what have I done to my mom to receive such treatment. Maybe the simple fact that I wasn't likeable and it was of course all my fault. I wasn't sweet cheerful child, willing to hug, I was a weirdo with trams, not making eye contact, not playing eith kids etc. 

The very fact that she made it to me feels like I'm getting nausea. I would love to cut the contact, but I can't. 

I'm not sure why, I'm just sharing. I don't need comforting, maybe some advice if anyone can give any. 

Parents

  • one thing I need you to know its absolutely nothing you have done that has caused this, it is very normal for childhood trauma suffered to internalise their suffering and blame them selves, it isn't you, its a natural defence strategy that children use to protect themselves, as a child you weren't allowed to blame your parents because that would mean abandonment and death, but you need someone to blame because it gives you a small feeling of control, so the pain become internalised, the feelings you feel are meant for your mother, please dont hold yourself accountable for the actions of both your parents.

    your mothers actions sound diabolical, anyone who lets their little daughter feel unsafe, unloved and not protected deserve a little place in hell, and is despicable human, you dont chose your family, but now you can chose if they are in your life, I hope you cut her off and she isn't allowed anywhere near your children, if she has done this to you whose to say she wont absolutely do this to your children, she is a real threat to your kids dont let the cycle continue, please get your children away from this woman, as a parent and a human being.

    it will be impossible, but try to live for the future and not dwell in the past ( I dont know if this is even possible, but dont spend any more time then necessary thinking about things you cant change) 

    I hope you can find help with the counselling, your not being weak by wanting to talk about this, these things are extremely hard to deal with for nt let alone a nd, lots of people develop drinking and drug habits, this kinda stuff can derail anybody's life, so talking about it is a good thing not a sign of anything wrong, humans are social creatures and expressing your issues and problems is a very human way to connect and solve issues.

Reply

  • one thing I need you to know its absolutely nothing you have done that has caused this, it is very normal for childhood trauma suffered to internalise their suffering and blame them selves, it isn't you, its a natural defence strategy that children use to protect themselves, as a child you weren't allowed to blame your parents because that would mean abandonment and death, but you need someone to blame because it gives you a small feeling of control, so the pain become internalised, the feelings you feel are meant for your mother, please dont hold yourself accountable for the actions of both your parents.

    your mothers actions sound diabolical, anyone who lets their little daughter feel unsafe, unloved and not protected deserve a little place in hell, and is despicable human, you dont chose your family, but now you can chose if they are in your life, I hope you cut her off and she isn't allowed anywhere near your children, if she has done this to you whose to say she wont absolutely do this to your children, she is a real threat to your kids dont let the cycle continue, please get your children away from this woman, as a parent and a human being.

    it will be impossible, but try to live for the future and not dwell in the past ( I dont know if this is even possible, but dont spend any more time then necessary thinking about things you cant change) 

    I hope you can find help with the counselling, your not being weak by wanting to talk about this, these things are extremely hard to deal with for nt let alone a nd, lots of people develop drinking and drug habits, this kinda stuff can derail anybody's life, so talking about it is a good thing not a sign of anything wrong, humans are social creatures and expressing your issues and problems is a very human way to connect and solve issues.

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