I'm feeling like I'm gonna explode our of anger. I just realised, what was the reason my mom always prevented me from getting any psychological help. There was violence, neglect an se*ual abuse. This is what I experienced in my childhood. If I told at that time a psychologist, what happened to me, there would be a court case against my parents and I would be probably taken away as well as my siblings. So to avoid these consequences, my mom decided to cover my problems along with the trauma, wait till it all goes away, gaslight me telling me, everything if fine, I have no problems although they were obviously visible. She destroyed my medical records from my childhood, destroyed my diaries, pictures, anything that I could use. Currently I may not need the formal diagnosis, but who knows what will be in the future. I still struggle with interactions, also a lot with repetitive behaviours, it affects my whole family. My mom prevented me from getting help in the past and she keeps doing it till today. If I'm ever left to live alone, I will be fully lost, as I struggle to take care of myself and I may need external help with parenting.
I feel deep anger and sadness, I don't know, what have I done to my mom to receive such treatment. Maybe the simple fact that I wasn't likeable and it was of course all my fault. I wasn't sweet cheerful child, willing to hug, I was a weirdo with trams, not making eye contact, not playing eith kids etc.
The very fact that she made it to me feels like I'm getting nausea. I would love to cut the contact, but I can't.
I'm not sure why, I'm just sharing. I don't need comforting, maybe some advice if anyone can give any.
