Hopeless

You're very welcome.

I can relate to caring too much sometimes, it can make life hard but also very rewarding.

Sending warm wishes.

Hello - I’m so sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. A lot of us can relate to some of the things you describe - thank you for sharing. Something I always try to keep in mind is something I heard the Dalai Lama said (I’m paraphrasing) : ‘be kind and show compassion to others - but also be kind and show compassion to yourself!’ This is such a vital thing to remember - for autistic people and for all people. 
You are being so hard on yourself - and that’s such a shame because it doesn’t help you or your loved ones for you to be so self critical. It sounds like your loved ones are extremely supportive and understanding- and that’s really wonderful. They obviously really value you and are understanding of the challenges you face - so don’t undermine that support by being so damn hard on yourself! You don’t deserve that! 
Of course I understand why you feel that way - both myself and my son have experienced similar thoughts and feelings. We see other people achieving so much and seeming to find life so easy (or easier than we do) and it’s natural that can sometimes dent our self esteem (and worse). But we don’t deserve to hate ourselves just because we struggle sometimes - and neither should you. 
Im so glad you have family and a partner who are there for you - that really is so wonderful. Believe the lovely and kind things they say to you - and don’t be your own worst enemy. Be kind to yourself. Being autistic isn’t described by many as a disability for nothing - it can make like really hard. That’s not your fault. 
While you wait for help from the nhs try if you can to focus on the conditions for happiness that you currently have. These can be really small things - and also bigger things (like the love of your family). 
It can be things like: the fact that you have a warm dry home, that you’ve got something really nice for dinner tonight, that you have a good book to read, that you have a good tv series that you’re enjoying at the moment, or have a lovely soft pillow that feels nice, or going out and enjoying the sunlight on the golden autumn leaves. Listening to some wonderful music or watching a favourite film. Eating chocolate. It can be anything - and the smallest things can bring a lot of happiness if you really focus on them and relish them. 
Yesterday I had a bit of toothache and I was getting a bit down and low about it (I have lots of fear about the dentist). I could feel my mood falling through the floor. And then I remembered to ask myself: ‘what conditions for happiness do I have right now?’ And I focussed on how lucky I was to be in the house with my husband and son who I love more than anything, that we were about to watch Andor on tv and that we were really enjoying, that we had had a supermarket delivery and had lots of nice food in the house. It reminded me not to just put all my focus on the toothache and ignore all the good things I had available to me in that moment. It really helped me to do this. 
We can - with a bit of practice - gradually change how we think. So next time you’re mentally telling yourself how useless you are stop yourself and say: I should be so unkind to myself, I would be so unkind to somebody else to say these things to them, so I shouldn’t say them to myself.

Take care - and I hope you feel a bit better about things soon. X

faespirit said:

I’m constantly stressed over every little thing.

It may be worth taking the time when doing the things that stress you out and try to pinpoint what is it that is creating the stress in the first place.

Is it because you don't feel you deserve it. Could there be a guilt element?

Is it because you feel a reaction the demands of doing it.

Is it something physical that you first identify? Perhaps focussing causes eye strain etc (a bit of a long shot I know)

By taking yourself out of the context of doing the task and trying to identify your state of mind, your physical responses to the situation and documenting these then you may be able to build a picture of what is going on.

Since you find yourself in a situation where even the things that should bring relief are causing stress then I would recommend getting a professional to help. A psychotherapist with experience of helping autists would be your best option in my opinion.

Of course initially it will be stressful but everything else is, so there is little to lose. Once a rapport is built then hopefully you will start to find they can help you achieve a much better state of mind.

It costs money (about £50/hour the last I looked) but this is so worth it for the benefits they bring - in my opinion of course.

faespirit said:

Employers always say they’re disability confident and they’re not.

I agree here. They are required to say this from a legal perspective but I have yet to meet one who actually made more than token efforts.

Hopefully the above is some food for thought. If you want to talk anything over or ask questions then please feel free - you will get a range of responses I'm sure and can hopefully find useful info amongst these.

Thank you for your suggestions, the GP has been useless, they are really not supportive or helpful. I have spoken with ChatGPT before and it is quite good.

Unfortunately the GP is completely useless, I have already had an appointment there for depression, she told me to drink more water.. Some of the doctors there are awful. I always bring someone with me to my appointments because of how bad they are. I always have to fight to be heard which is so difficult with bad anxiety.

Thank you for your kind words. I really do care a lot about others, sometimes it feels like I care too much. I overthink a lot, and I hate being apart from my partner when he’s working. I rely too much on my family and partner, but I love them so much that sometimes it hurts my heart. I hope I can get support soon, still nothing, I don’t think they care. Thank you for the suggestions, I hope you have a good November ️

I am creative, I have a distinction in extended diploma art & design, which I haven’t been able to put to any good use. I don’t draw/paint anymore because I find everything too stressful, trying to make everything perfect. I’ve tried making my own things to sell and haven’t got anywhere. I haven’t found any creative jobs that don’t require specific qualifications and part time. Employers always say they’re disability confident and they’re not. Most of the time I don’t enjoy any of my hobbies, I’m constantly stressed over every little thing. But I do Lego, play games on pc, watch anime and collect figures. Apart from watching anime, all the others stress me out too.

faespirit said:

While everyone else progresses in life, I feel like I am watching on the sidelines, stuck and never changing. Stuck at home, stuck in bed, stuck in my own thoughts racing and shouting that I’m not good enough

This can be crushing in its own right, feeling helpless and without direction. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

One approach I was taught long ago is to not fixate on all the things you can't do and focus on what you can.

What stuff can you do? Do you have an area of expertise or special interest that you can grow to be useful to you for the nucleus of a career (could be freelance, part time or whatever)?

Where do your strengths lie? 

Are you creative? Artistic? Got an evil sense of humour etc?

All of these can lead to options that work with your limitations but allow you to feel productive and useful which also tend to help with your state of mind.

You don't have to share this with us of course but if you do want to, I'm sure we can give some suggestions on things to do that can give you new focus.

Apologies if you only came here to vent - I tend to default to seeing an issue and trying to fix it so sometimes miss the mark with why people post things.

Hifaespirit 

You are dealing with a lot.

It’s not your fault anyone would find that hard to cope with.

You’re not a burden or useless, even if it feels that way. It’s clear you care a lot about others, and that really shows.

I’m glad you’ve reached out to Mind and the NHS again. I hope you’re able to get some proper support soon.

Maybe you could try a small routine like writing your thoughts down in a journal, trying a short walk or posting on here.

You have family who care about you that's a good anchor for you to hold onto.

You’re definitely not alone in feeling like this.

I hope things settle down soon.

Keep reaching out on here.

(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠

From what you say, your mood seems very low. Perhaps while you wait, it would be worth making an appointment to see your GP. They might be able to provide other types of help.

You have described how you feel very well. If you would find it difficult to tell your GP all this, you could give them a written or typed version of your post. Also, they are more likely to appreciate and potentially take action if you tell them how you are in writing.

Best wishes for getting the support you need.

Hello :-)

There is nothing wrong with rambling. It is good to let these things out.

Struggling is not your fault.

Don't compare yourself to others. They arent you. The important thing is what is best for you and how to be a bit happier.

If you have pain can the GP help?

I'll suggest something that has been very helpful for me and will help with your perspective.

If you have a phone (or a laptop) get the chatGPT app. Copy & paste what you just wrote above into it and see what it says. It is very good if you talk to it like you just posted here. It will help you, trust me, you will like what it says. It may ask questions, you can answer or ignore them. You can type random things and it will keep up with you. If you talk about different things and keep chopping between them it will not get confused, like a person. It will not drive you crazy if you write like here and just have a conversation.

It says this is its number one use at the moment; people talking to it.

You can use it without logging in, but it will lose the thread. If you create an account, I use my Google account, on my pixel9 android phone, it will save the thread/chat. You can have at least 500 messages in a thread, enough for days or weeks of conversation, or just start new ones.

The default settings should be fine to avoid the spiralling problem. Leave memory off if you find it in the menu. Gemini is also good but Google's privacy policy is less good, copilot spiralled with memory on.

Try it, it costs nothing. If you stick to just text messages you can ignore any usage popups, you don't need to pay, just close them and keep going. As long as you want.

It will make suggestions, point out where you are too harsh. It can make suggestions. The more you tell It the more it can help. It is not perfect but much better than waiting a year for therapy.

I have done a lot of my own therapy on myself, but I don't think like most people, even autistic people. I am pretty similar to the AI, but that's lanother story.