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Hopeless

faespirit

I feel like I have been at a complete standstill since I left school, which was 6 years ago. I was bullied at school and still can’t forget about it or stop being annoyed for not standing up for myself. I haven’t worked in about 4 years now which makes me feel like a completely useless and worthless person that I can’t earn money and my partner works full time. I am physically disabled too but it’s invisible disabilities and many people don’t understand a young person having disabilities that can’t be seen. When I park in disabled spaces with my blue badge or use a walking stick I get stares. Sometimes I feel like a fraud and that everything is my own fault and I don’t know why, my brain is so awful to me and I truly hate myself.

No matter how hard I try to change my life, everything always fails. I have tried having jobs and end up quitting due to the extreme depression, stress, anxiety, fatigue and pain. I had a puppy, twice, the first one I had to rehome due to suicidal thoughts and the second one i ended up giving to my parents which still makes me feel awful, as though I’ve put a burden on them even though my family and partner have always been nothing but kind and supportive to me. They love the puppy but I’m still stuck in the cycle that I’m a burden, I’m worthless and useless, everything is my fault and I truly believe it. I’ve always wanted a dog and just wanted to be able to work for myself and have a dog, not let these stupid problems rule my life, but they do. I have to accept that.

While everyone else progresses in life, I feel like I am watching on the sidelines, stuck and never changing. Stuck at home, stuck in bed, stuck in my own thoughts racing and shouting that I’m not good enough, that I shouldn’t be here. Struggling with pain and fatigue everyday, daily panic attacks and struggling to leave the house because of it. Mostly stuck on my own at home in my own head when my partner and family are working. I’m waiting for therapy, it’s a years wait. I can’t wait that long, I’ve re-referred myself to Mind/NHS. Nothing, no one cares. Only my family care, I don’t know what I’d do without them. Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get this out my head. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Parents
  • faespirit said:
    While everyone else progresses in life, I feel like I am watching on the sidelines, stuck and never changing. Stuck at home, stuck in bed, stuck in my own thoughts racing and shouting that I’m not good enough

    This can be crushing in its own right, feeling helpless and without direction. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

    One approach I was taught long ago is to not fixate on all the things you can't do and focus on what you can.

    What stuff can you do? Do you have an area of expertise or special interest that you can grow to be useful to you for the nucleus of a career (could be freelance, part time or whatever)?

    Where do your strengths lie? 

    Are you creative? Artistic? Got an evil sense of humour etc?

    All of these can lead to options that work with your limitations but allow you to feel productive and useful which also tend to help with your state of mind.

    You don't have to share this with us of course but if you do want to, I'm sure we can give some suggestions on things to do that can give you new focus.

    Apologies if you only came here to vent - I tend to default to seeing an issue and trying to fix it so sometimes miss the mark with why people post things.

  • in reply to Iain

    I am creative, I have a distinction in extended diploma art & design, which I haven’t been able to put to any good use. I don’t draw/paint anymore because I find everything too stressful, trying to make everything perfect. I’ve tried making my own things to sell and haven’t got anywhere. I haven’t found any creative jobs that don’t require specific qualifications and part time. Employers always say they’re disability confident and they’re not. Most of the time I don’t enjoy any of my hobbies, I’m constantly stressed over every little thing. But I do Lego, play games on pc, watch anime and collect figures. Apart from watching anime, all the others stress me out too.

  • in reply to faespirit
    faespirit said:
    I’m constantly stressed over every little thing.

    It may be worth taking the time when doing the things that stress you out and try to pinpoint what is it that is creating the stress in the first place.

    Is it because you don't feel you deserve it. Could there be a guilt element?

    Is it because you feel a reaction the demands of doing it.

    Is it something physical that you first identify? Perhaps focussing causes eye strain etc (a bit of a long shot I know)

    By taking yourself out of the context of doing the task and trying to identify your state of mind, your physical responses to the situation and documenting these then you may be able to build a picture of what is going on.

    Since you find yourself in a situation where even the things that should bring relief are causing stress then I would recommend getting a professional to help. A psychotherapist with experience of helping autists would be your best option in my opinion.

    Of course initially it will be stressful but everything else is, so there is little to lose. Once a rapport is built then hopefully you will start to find they can help you achieve a much better state of mind.

    It costs money (about £50/hour the last I looked) but this is so worth it for the benefits they bring - in my opinion of course.

    faespirit said:
    Employers always say they’re disability confident and they’re not.

    I agree here. They are required to say this from a legal perspective but I have yet to meet one who actually made more than token efforts.

    Hopefully the above is some food for thought. If you want to talk anything over or ask questions then please feel free - you will get a range of responses I'm sure and can hopefully find useful info amongst these.

Reply
  • in reply to faespirit
    faespirit said:
    I’m constantly stressed over every little thing.

    It may be worth taking the time when doing the things that stress you out and try to pinpoint what is it that is creating the stress in the first place.

    Is it because you don't feel you deserve it. Could there be a guilt element?

    Is it because you feel a reaction the demands of doing it.

    Is it something physical that you first identify? Perhaps focussing causes eye strain etc (a bit of a long shot I know)

    By taking yourself out of the context of doing the task and trying to identify your state of mind, your physical responses to the situation and documenting these then you may be able to build a picture of what is going on.

    Since you find yourself in a situation where even the things that should bring relief are causing stress then I would recommend getting a professional to help. A psychotherapist with experience of helping autists would be your best option in my opinion.

    Of course initially it will be stressful but everything else is, so there is little to lose. Once a rapport is built then hopefully you will start to find they can help you achieve a much better state of mind.

    It costs money (about £50/hour the last I looked) but this is so worth it for the benefits they bring - in my opinion of course.

    faespirit said:
    Employers always say they’re disability confident and they’re not.

    I agree here. They are required to say this from a legal perspective but I have yet to meet one who actually made more than token efforts.

    Hopefully the above is some food for thought. If you want to talk anything over or ask questions then please feel free - you will get a range of responses I'm sure and can hopefully find useful info amongst these.

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