• Replies 11 replies
  • Subscribers 9 subscribers
  • Views 305 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Hopeless

faespirit

I feel like I have been at a complete standstill since I left school, which was 6 years ago. I was bullied at school and still can’t forget about it or stop being annoyed for not standing up for myself. I haven’t worked in about 4 years now which makes me feel like a completely useless and worthless person that I can’t earn money and my partner works full time. I am physically disabled too but it’s invisible disabilities and many people don’t understand a young person having disabilities that can’t be seen. When I park in disabled spaces with my blue badge or use a walking stick I get stares. Sometimes I feel like a fraud and that everything is my own fault and I don’t know why, my brain is so awful to me and I truly hate myself.

No matter how hard I try to change my life, everything always fails. I have tried having jobs and end up quitting due to the extreme depression, stress, anxiety, fatigue and pain. I had a puppy, twice, the first one I had to rehome due to suicidal thoughts and the second one i ended up giving to my parents which still makes me feel awful, as though I’ve put a burden on them even though my family and partner have always been nothing but kind and supportive to me. They love the puppy but I’m still stuck in the cycle that I’m a burden, I’m worthless and useless, everything is my fault and I truly believe it. I’ve always wanted a dog and just wanted to be able to work for myself and have a dog, not let these stupid problems rule my life, but they do. I have to accept that.

While everyone else progresses in life, I feel like I am watching on the sidelines, stuck and never changing. Stuck at home, stuck in bed, stuck in my own thoughts racing and shouting that I’m not good enough, that I shouldn’t be here. Struggling with pain and fatigue everyday, daily panic attacks and struggling to leave the house because of it. Mostly stuck on my own at home in my own head when my partner and family are working. I’m waiting for therapy, it’s a years wait. I can’t wait that long, I’ve re-referred myself to Mind/NHS. Nothing, no one cares. Only my family care, I don’t know what I’d do without them. Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get this out my head. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Parents

  • Hello - I’m so sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. A lot of us can relate to some of the things you describe - thank you for sharing. Something I always try to keep in mind is something I heard the Dalai Lama said (I’m paraphrasing) : ‘be kind and show compassion to others - but also be kind and show compassion to yourself!’ This is such a vital thing to remember - for autistic people and for all people. 
    You are being so hard on yourself - and that’s such a shame because it doesn’t help you or your loved ones for you to be so self critical. It sounds like your loved ones are extremely supportive and understanding- and that’s really wonderful. They obviously really value you and are understanding of the challenges you face - so don’t undermine that support by being so damn hard on yourself! You don’t deserve that! 
    Of course I understand why you feel that way - both myself and my son have experienced similar thoughts and feelings. We see other people achieving so much and seeming to find life so easy (or easier than we do) and it’s natural that can sometimes dent our self esteem (and worse). But we don’t deserve to hate ourselves just because we struggle sometimes - and neither should you. 
    Im so glad you have family and a partner who are there for you - that really is so wonderful. Believe the lovely and kind things they say to you - and don’t be your own worst enemy. Be kind to yourself. Being autistic isn’t described by many as a disability for nothing - it can make like really hard. That’s not your fault. 
    While you wait for help from the nhs try if you can to focus on the conditions for happiness that you currently have. These can be really small things - and also bigger things (like the love of your family). 
    It can be things like: the fact that you have a warm dry home, that you’ve got something really nice for dinner tonight, that you have a good book to read, that you have a good tv series that you’re enjoying at the moment, or have a lovely soft pillow that feels nice, or going out and enjoying the sunlight on the golden autumn leaves. Listening to some wonderful music or watching a favourite film. Eating chocolate. It can be anything - and the smallest things can bring a lot of happiness if you really focus on them and relish them. 
    Yesterday I had a bit of toothache and I was getting a bit down and low about it (I have lots of fear about the dentist). I could feel my mood falling through the floor. And then I remembered to ask myself: ‘what conditions for happiness do I have right now?’ And I focussed on how lucky I was to be in the house with my husband and son who I love more than anything, that we were about to watch Andor on tv and that we were really enjoying, that we had had a supermarket delivery and had lots of nice food in the house. It reminded me not to just put all my focus on the toothache and ignore all the good things I had available to me in that moment. It really helped me to do this. 
    We can - with a bit of practice - gradually change how we think. So next time you’re mentally telling yourself how useless you are stop yourself and say: I should be so unkind to myself, I would be so unkind to somebody else to say these things to them, so I shouldn’t say them to myself.

    Take care - and I hope you feel a bit better about things soon. X

Reply

  • Hello - I’m so sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. A lot of us can relate to some of the things you describe - thank you for sharing. Something I always try to keep in mind is something I heard the Dalai Lama said (I’m paraphrasing) : ‘be kind and show compassion to others - but also be kind and show compassion to yourself!’ This is such a vital thing to remember - for autistic people and for all people. 
    You are being so hard on yourself - and that’s such a shame because it doesn’t help you or your loved ones for you to be so self critical. It sounds like your loved ones are extremely supportive and understanding- and that’s really wonderful. They obviously really value you and are understanding of the challenges you face - so don’t undermine that support by being so damn hard on yourself! You don’t deserve that! 
    Of course I understand why you feel that way - both myself and my son have experienced similar thoughts and feelings. We see other people achieving so much and seeming to find life so easy (or easier than we do) and it’s natural that can sometimes dent our self esteem (and worse). But we don’t deserve to hate ourselves just because we struggle sometimes - and neither should you. 
    Im so glad you have family and a partner who are there for you - that really is so wonderful. Believe the lovely and kind things they say to you - and don’t be your own worst enemy. Be kind to yourself. Being autistic isn’t described by many as a disability for nothing - it can make like really hard. That’s not your fault. 
    While you wait for help from the nhs try if you can to focus on the conditions for happiness that you currently have. These can be really small things - and also bigger things (like the love of your family). 
    It can be things like: the fact that you have a warm dry home, that you’ve got something really nice for dinner tonight, that you have a good book to read, that you have a good tv series that you’re enjoying at the moment, or have a lovely soft pillow that feels nice, or going out and enjoying the sunlight on the golden autumn leaves. Listening to some wonderful music or watching a favourite film. Eating chocolate. It can be anything - and the smallest things can bring a lot of happiness if you really focus on them and relish them. 
    Yesterday I had a bit of toothache and I was getting a bit down and low about it (I have lots of fear about the dentist). I could feel my mood falling through the floor. And then I remembered to ask myself: ‘what conditions for happiness do I have right now?’ And I focussed on how lucky I was to be in the house with my husband and son who I love more than anything, that we were about to watch Andor on tv and that we were really enjoying, that we had had a supermarket delivery and had lots of nice food in the house. It reminded me not to just put all my focus on the toothache and ignore all the good things I had available to me in that moment. It really helped me to do this. 
    We can - with a bit of practice - gradually change how we think. So next time you’re mentally telling yourself how useless you are stop yourself and say: I should be so unkind to myself, I would be so unkind to somebody else to say these things to them, so I shouldn’t say them to myself.

    Take care - and I hope you feel a bit better about things soon. X

Children
No Data