I feel like I have been at a complete standstill since I left school, which was 6 years ago. I was bullied at school and still can’t forget about it or stop being annoyed for not standing up for myself. I haven’t worked in about 4 years now which makes me feel like a completely useless and worthless person that I can’t earn money and my partner works full time. I am physically disabled too but it’s invisible disabilities and many people don’t understand a young person having disabilities that can’t be seen. When I park in disabled spaces with my blue badge or use a walking stick I get stares. Sometimes I feel like a fraud and that everything is my own fault and I don’t know why, my brain is so awful to me and I truly hate myself.
No matter how hard I try to change my life, everything always fails. I have tried having jobs and end up quitting due to the extreme depression, stress, anxiety, fatigue and pain. I had a puppy, twice, the first one I had to rehome due to suicidal thoughts and the second one i ended up giving to my parents which still makes me feel awful, as though I’ve put a burden on them even though my family and partner have always been nothing but kind and supportive to me. They love the puppy but I’m still stuck in the cycle that I’m a burden, I’m worthless and useless, everything is my fault and I truly believe it. I’ve always wanted a dog and just wanted to be able to work for myself and have a dog, not let these stupid problems rule my life, but they do. I have to accept that.
While everyone else progresses in life, I feel like I am watching on the sidelines, stuck and never changing. Stuck at home, stuck in bed, stuck in my own thoughts racing and shouting that I’m not good enough, that I shouldn’t be here. Struggling with pain and fatigue everyday, daily panic attacks and struggling to leave the house because of it. Mostly stuck on my own at home in my own head when my partner and family are working. I’m waiting for therapy, it’s a years wait. I can’t wait that long, I’ve re-referred myself to Mind/NHS. Nothing, no one cares. Only my family care, I don’t know what I’d do without them. Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get this out my head. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
