Difficulty tolerating work colleagues and confrontations

Great, thankyou. I also get frustrated as the owner of the business never says thankyou for anything or accepts he is wrong or apologises for accusing me of something which I have confirmed I haven’t done. I like to get some sort of closure on a situation either recognition or appreciation for having done something correctly or acknowledgement that I wasn't at fault.

I struggle with common sense and knowing the right thing to do in a situation. So often have colleagues say "if X happened then why didn't you do Y? Etc. Basically I don't realise what I was meant to have done, for me acting the right way in a situation can be hard. I thrive where I follow instructions to the letter and everything is documented. What makes the job stressful is a lot of thinking on the go and not knowing how to deal with things as I have to use my own initiative.

Definitely considering the therapist route, I'm probably very complex.

Hello again, from what you are saying here I think there is a strong indication that you don't understand the unspoken rules of the workplace that NTs will inherently pickup from others - you will need to work a lot harder to learn them but they will make your life a lot easier when you do.

The following is meant for education, not criticism so please take it in this context.

Keeping records of when you have a bad interaction is something theapists call "stamp collecting" and is very unhealthy. By keeping them and reviewing them you are reinforcing their power over you and will most likely lead to much higher levels of stress just by having them building up.

Despair25 said:

It can often be stress related as I had a busy day dealing with something and a manager got funny with me for asking a colleague for help when I was overwhelmed. I have had outbursts saying nasty things about him before

It sounds like your colleague is a bit of an ass hat to make you feel uncomfortable but have you told them this directly? They may just treat it as part of the game of office interactions. When you next have a bad interaction I would have an email written to send to them saying that their way of interaction causes you distress and makes you feel uncomfortable around them.

Ask them to stop doing this in future. Don't make any threats of escalation at this point as you are giving them a chance to be a better person and respect you, but if they don't then you already have a paper trail to use against them in a complaint if you need to.

Outbursts are never acceptable in the workplace. I strongly recommend getting a therapist to work on your anger issues and learning to control your stress. Use your anger in different ways though - correct situations or if the person is still an ass hat even knowing they are hurting you then use the anger to get your own revenge through proper channels.

Despair25 said:

My manager happened to walk past me as I accidentally opened a shortcut to a webpage on my desktop wondering what it was and told me off for surfing the Internet in work time

That's on you I'm afraid. You broke the rule and you need to accept it is your fault. If your colleagues are smarter and don't get caught then it is none of your business - let them play their own games and if they get away with it then learn how they do it rather than hate on them.

Despair25 said:

Other times I had been accused of doing things or not doing things that I knew was incorrect so would stand up for myself and not be told otherwise.

This is a trickier one - what you are doing is facing off against authority which makes you look subordinate even if you are right. Sometimes you need to just say something like "sorry boss, I thought it was the right thing to do. What should I have done" and let them justify why breaking the rules was the right thing to do.

It can be the hardest thing, especially if you have demand avoidance as an autistic trait.

I was a technicial for 15 years and manager for almost 17 so I know both sides of the coin here. I used to pride myself in making the work environment a healthy place and would crack down on any intimidation on the go by making the offending party explain their actions to me every time - the embarrasment factor soon got to them and the ones who were unrepentant were normally encouraged to leave.

I probably have said it before but I do recommend a therapist to help you with all of this plus a load of other stuff you probably don't realise will help you. It is money well spent. Just make sure they have a track record of helping autists or it can be an unsatisfying experience.

It can get a lot better.

Thanks Iain, yes I agree definitely. I don't like being like that. In an office I feel like a cornered animal and am constantly prepared to defend myself from people. I have kept a record of unpleasant interactions from colleagues, occasions where I have been mocked etc. And accused of doing things I haven’t done etc.

It can often be stress related as I had a busy day dealing with something and a manager got funny with me for asking a colleague for help when I was overwhelmed. I have had outbursts saying nasty things about him before and he has intimidated me in person before and made me feel uncomfortable. I have considered how I might deal with him if he did it again. I appreciate that others might say that's just his way and his sense of humour etc. To poke a bit of fun but I find it unpleasant. I hate the fact that in your personal life you can escape from and block toxic people normally and have that choice but at work you're forced to be contained in a room with them in order to get the money so you can have a roof over your head. I would never choose to associate with him in my personal life in a million years.

A few examples where I have reacted fiercely are:

My manager happened to walk past me as I accidentally opened a shortcut to a webpage on my desktop wondering what it was and told me off for surfing the Internet in work time yet someone they were friends with spent loads of time on the Internet and they said nothing

Another couple of times people asked me to deal with a situation that made me feel very uncomfortable. In one case someone who was standing around my desk casually pointed out my phone was ringing and I didn't want to answer it as other people could take the call but he was mocking that I didn't want to take the phone call.

Another time my manager just didn't get why I was really stressed and had an urgent situation and they were asking pointless and unhelpful questions.

Other times I had been accused of doing things or not doing things that I knew was incorrect so would stand up for myself and not be told otherwise.

I know other colleagues are favourites of the management and get special treatment and preference which I find annoying.

I just hate the whole work environment, I'm just so happy when at home on my own, watching TV and playing games but know I'm forced into this torture all the time to enjoy my personal life.

Thanks Mr T, I just feel reluctant and uncomfortable about speaking to management. They just aren't that approachable and I just feel like they wouldn't care.

Unfortunately not in a union, I have looked into it but it's only a small company and I don't think anyone else there is in a union.

Thanks Ann, I do thankfully work from home a fair bit and also opted for hours where I can be on my own more. My job is very demanding too and I find it very stressful.

I have usually managed to fit in quite well as I work in a research lab so there tend to be some like minded people and I can talk about my special interest without it standing out too much. I lived and spent time in labs in different countries in Europe but I recently moved out of Europe and the cultural differences and language barrier is massive. I was completely unprepared and it has led to some misunderstandings and some quite passive aggressive (or not so passive) behaviour against me. It has made me feel really bad and isolated. I feel like I have to be constantly on my guard about what I say and do which is very difficult- usually in a research lab it’s fine to ask questions and make suggestions and talk freely but here everything gets taken badly and as a criticism even when not intended. In addition people often don’t apologise as that would mean admitting they did something wrong. This apparently is a cultural thing but it still makes it hard. I spend as little time as possible in the office now, working from home where I can or hiding in some lab or working late or weekends when less people are around. However this has taken one of the big positives about working in academia - I really don’t fit in here and I have no energy to be so hyper careful and have to mask even more. The job is already demanding enough and pushes me to my limits. 

like many of us the working conditions are not conducive to our autistic sensitivities. Ian makes valid points about reacting. I did a lot of this pre-diagnosis and fear that fixed impressions about me have been made and have led to detriment.

Ask about reasonable adjustments. If you have some already these should be reviewed for effectiveness as they are not set in stone. If you are a union member get them involved, same goes for occupational health. Build a breadth of support to reduce the chances of refusal.

Best of luck 

Despair25 said:

on occasion have shouted at a colleague in the face and a few times has resulted in getting into a bit of trouble and lost jobs as I just don't get along with colleagues.

Do you acknowledge that your behaviour here is completely unacceptable, no matter what you find to be agitating you?

Do any of your colleagues get the same treatment and respond the same way?

Despair25 said:

I don't know what's wrong with me

Without knowing the details of the situation, I would say self control is likely to be the issue. Your responses to the stimuli are causing you to build the internal pressure until you break and "lash out" as you describe it.

Since you say you need to remain in work, I would suggest seeing a therapist and work on your emotional self control as we have no way to control the colleagues and their bad behaviour so we should work on controlling the one thing that is in out power.

In a bid to find some satisfaction in all this hell, I personally would find ways to entrap these colleagues in a way that teaches them that they cannot get away with it. Ideally this is getting them recorded in one of their blatant abuses (just winding you up or irritating you isn't enough, it has to be a form of gross misconduct so check the employee handbook for what this is) and escalate it to human resources and keep evidence of all your interactions, including a diary of these events and the names of witnesses etc.

Finding the self control not to do something unpleasant to them is hard, but the satisfaction of seeing them marched off the premises in dismissal is worth it.

All in my opinion of course.

Thankyou, I'm with colleagues doing the same job as me but can see if they might move me to the office next door where it is quieter.

I am allowed to wear ear buds and listen to music but do need to answer the phone now and again.

Definitely with the stress, I can find it hard to concentrate and focus on things with all the noise, chatter and people moving around.

I don't tend to drink coffee that often, I tend to drink just water or squash when in the office. 

I have sometimes gone into the toilet to get away from all the noise and disturbance.

Despair25 said:

I'm sat in the middle of a busy office and people are always walking around and having conversations around me.

Can you ask to move to the edge or somewhere with less disturbance? This distractions are probably a large part of your problem.

Can you use earbuds to reduce the noise? 

The snappiness is because you're stressed. It makes you short tempered. 

If you are drinking lots of coffee, it might seem like it helps, but it would be better to cut out the caffeine.