Overwhelmed and behaving aggressive

It's my "go-to" when social pressure requires me to make an expletive declaration.

Similarly,  whenever I'm asked that inane and benal question "how are you mate".....I always choose to respond with "delightful, thank you" = it ALWAYS raises a smile of bemusement!

Not enough time in a day! Keep using groovy—I appreciate you for it.

Groovy - another human who gets the (shall we say) the "hump" with these type of entities/intrusion!

DNE. Jesus.

Do Not Engage

And again - here I am.....following a BOT around!  Interesting though.  Forgive me AlienOn3arth....for crashing your place....albeit just for a moment.

Thank you for your warm words. Yes, it is environmental problem, but it occurs because of me not being fit to the environment.  So it affects me and those around me. I know that everything will change, but the pain of now is overwhelming. 

Hi AlienOn3arth.

I'm older than you.

I've struggled with the vast majority of people in my life - but always pulled through successfully, in the end, with the important ones.  Fwiw, it has taken me about 15 years to convince some people that I'm not angry when they think I am, and not moody when they think I am = even the people that I would expect to know better!!!

I have endured a VERY mixed bag of horrors, hopelessness, overwhelming frustration and near-madness.

I have also enjoyed a VERY mixed bag of pure magic, connection, delight and near-bliss.

One thing that I have learnt, beyond question.......is that THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.....for the simple fact that things ALWAYS CHANGE - good to bad, and bad to good and all shades in between!

This had lead me to be mindful of two things that I always try to remember;

1.  When I find myself happy and settled = I pay attention, thank my lucky stars, and enjoy the feeling.

2.  When I find myself feeling hopeless and deeply unhappy = I remind myself that things ALWAYS change, and therefore, there is ALWAYS hope.

Fwiw, it sounds to me like YOU don't actually have a problem (you've always seemed pretty flipping excellent to me!), but that it is the ENVIRONMENTAL REALITIES that are the flipping problem!!  I know that doesn't particularly help you in a practical sense at this moment (especially with a young human to care for + job + navigating all the "normal" stuff of life,) but I hope these words will find some use to reassure you that I think you're AOK......and even if you're not.......it's probably not YOU but STUFF that is the problem......and MOST IMPORTANTLY......that things ALWAYS change.......and therefore there is ALWAYS hope.

I miss you and wish you only good things, always.

Warmly yours,

Number.

I'm not angry, it's other's perception of me. I also often get perceived as moody, when I'm absolutely not. Sometimes I hear from my husband that I'm argumentative,  when it's not my intention to argue with him. I just state, some other solution is better for particular situation.

I'm overwhelmed by too much going on. I used to have similar stress before pregnancy too. Now it's harder because it's with the child - 24/7 job. I was diagnosed and medicated for depression and its always same, so I don't get any hope. I used to have post natal depression but I got meds around 3 years ago and it got better. 

Are you angry and aggressive or is this the perception of others? Are you being expected to smile and be "nice" all the time?

I think the first thing to get you're head around, is that there's no such thing as the perfect parent, I'm sure rationally you know that, but do you feel it, are you allowed to feel it? Being a good enough parent is all that can be asked of anybody.

A young family is stressull, incredibly so, I used to long to be able to go to the toilet in peace and know that the "quiet" wasn't them doing something naughty whilst I was otherwise occupied. What was worse, was that my partner seemed to think being at home with 2 underfives was easy.

Is it possible you're suffering from post natal depression? It often dosen't set in for some months after the baby's been born, people think it does but not always, this could be worth checking out, the right support could make all the difference and stop you banging your head against the wall. Post natal depression isn't failure, nobodies going to take your children away or kick you out of your house, it's a chemical imbalance and medication can help rectify it.

Dear AleinOn3arth,

Thank you for sharing this with our community.

You might find it helpful to explore some of the information we have on therapy and counselling options: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help 

We also have a page specifically about self-harm, which includes possible coping strategies and where to find further help: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/self-harm  

Thank you. I hope this helps!

Take gentle care of yourself,

Eunice Mod

Alien0n3arth said:

I have no reason to be angry.

Can I ask if you have issues in general in identifying and connecting to your emotions?

If you do, this could be a case of you are feeling a build up of stress and your mind wants to express these as emotions and the most primal and accessible ones are fear and anger.

Your mind may be channeling your emotions into anger because it does not have the tools to do otherwise.

A good therapist could help you with this alexithymia and finding ways to manage the build up of stress in a healthier way. Just make sure they are skilled at helping with autism and alexithymia.

As a quick release thing I found having a few boxes of cheap pencils around where I could snap one when I needed a release gave me a token action that helped me let it go. You need some mental processes to back this action but for me it works a treat.

Is there anyway of juggling the stress load? Can anything be selfishly stopped or removed from your life? Can you take small steps to achieve a greater feeling of content and happiness? 

It sounds like you are describing a coping strategy and communication means which used to feel helpful when you were a kid as you tried to deal with a meltdown because of a sensory / emotion / frustrating issue.

Now, as an adult / mother / wifr: you need a different coping strategy and communication style to help you in a meltdown scenario.  Something which also helps to provide a feeling of relief (without the physical head injury).

There are at least three different audiences for your communication need (so just one means of communication would need to be clever to convey your meaning across the three audiences):

1) feedback to yourself,

2) to help your child know about playtime, or not, right now, and

3) to help your husband better realise "this is me; coping as best I know how with: a meltdown".

If you used to gain meltdown relief from the physical input of head banging ...what about trying jumping with a skipping rope or trampoline instead.  The advantage of the skipping rope is it is inexpensive and portable and can be used almost anywhere.

Your three audiences might see / hear / think about the communication differently:

1) yourself: there is lots more physical feedback information which is both good sensory noise and a distraction for the mind, you move between active and autopilot concentration, you hear and feel the ground contact, it raises your breathing, your heart rate and your blood circulation (you can better feel your hands and feet, you have control over the duration and how much energy you need to burn off / how tired you will feel when you stop, you arc keeping fit ...and you don't require medical attention afterwards,

2) your child: can see and hear you are (from their perspective) engaged in solo play.  They will learn that people using a skipping rope do so for a reasonably short while.  They may try and join in by themselves jumping up and down on the spot somewhere nearby - still in your line of sight (or they may animate one of their plushies to jump up and down with mummy).  Now, our "play" is: we are jumping up and down.

3) your husband: can learn to realise it means you are trying to handle big emotions as best you know how (not necessarily meaning just anger or aggressiveness).  He also needs to learn that you need some solo physical activity time to better manage your dysregulation.  It need not necessarily take very long - but you do need that timeout to yourself.

...I have an adult fitness / gym plastic skipping rope - it cost less than £10 and works quite well (you can easily just shove it into a corner of your bag when going outside of your home).

This is the type of skipping rope (I chose plastic because the one I had as a kid was natural rope and in wet weather ...it got heavy and then really hurt your legs if you were getting tired and the rope hit you by accident!):

www.argos.co.uk/.../3445837

This article talks more about other strategies and has links to other organisations and resources:

www.autism.org.uk/.../all-audiences

Best wishes.

Banging head feels relaxing when I'm stressed. I force having free time after some interactions with my family, otherwise I wouldn't stop a meltdown for sure. I feel bad, because my daughter wants me to play with her but I can't. 

Thank you, I will try with the ice. Problem is that its not anger. I don't really know what it is, it just shakes me from inside, because it's too much of everything around and I can't cope. My loved ones think I'm angry, but I'm not and I have no reason to be angry. Then when my husband asks me why I'm so angry, I start apologising sometimes also crying.

Thank you, its not being me harsh on myself, its feeling of relief when I do it. I used yo do it as a kid, during meltdowns when something was misplaced in my environment. Now the reason is different,  but it gives short relief. Then there is headache.

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much at the moment. You genuinely do care about yourself and your family so try not to beat yourself up so much, show yourself a little kindness. Are you able to make any free time for yourself at all? Just to do the things you like to do, are you able to perhaps fit yours interests into a routine that’s comfortable for you so you have that acknowledgement of being able to be yourself for a little while?

Ouch I’m so sorry you banged your head  I hope you are feeling better. I’m not a parent so I can’t offer parental advice but I do believe parenting can be super challenging but don’t feel you are a bad wife or parent because I’m sure you’re not. One technique to try and cool anger down quicker is to either put your face in ice cold water and hold your breath for a bit (no longer than 30 seconds). You can also use an ice pack and lean forward, cover your face with the ice pack and hold your breath too. I also believe putting your wrists in cold water can help too. Please don’t go so hard on yourself x

Don't hit your head. Be kind to yourself, you are doing your best.

Have you tried breathing exercises. Half a dozen deep breaths, breathing out slowly, may help when it feels a bit much.