This is what I hear for quite some time from my husband, but recently got even worse. I hear that I'm being argumentative, sometimes aggressive, gruff etc. And I get questions, why I'm angry. I ask myself for years, why I'm angry when I hear it from others. Or why I'm moody,when I hear it. Only relatively recently I understood, that what I feel is not always what others perceive. So it led me to a discovery, that this bad behaviour is my reaction to overwhelm and stress. We have one child toddler. I can't really connect and play good with the little one. She often must repeat few times before I process what she says and respond. After 15 minutes spent with them I'm exhausted and totally overwhelmed. In more extreme cases I feel my brain shaking and I bang my head off of a wall to calm down. Recently I had few days headache and nausea because of that, my husband wanted to call ambulance. I feel like a very bad parent and also bad wife and I'm afraid of losing my family. I take care of them in terms of cooking, cleaning, helping, providing as much as I can but spending time with them is often a torture for me. After 15 minutes with them I need 30 minutes of pacing my kitchen and my long loop thoughts about alien encounters etc. I shouldn't have become mother, but I didn't know about it before it happened. I love my family, I don't want to lose them.
There are not many options available for me such as therapies. I don't know how to control my reactions, in order to not appear angry or crazy to my loved ones.
