Therapy failing

Completely agree with you there. I think the thing is I pay for therapy but then once they’ve got enough they just drop you like that! People seem to think I just choose to be like this when I don’t. I just want to enjoy and live my life but I get told if that’s the case why did I not “defend myself” or “it’s my fault I never made any friends” when I tried but no one wanted me. And I didn’t choose to get bullied and harassed etc but no one seems to understand that. I try and do what I normally like to make me feel better but then I get told it’s wrong and that and well I’ve ended up seeing disturbing things so now I don’t feel I can enjoy anything. Long story 

What is wrong with these people! If you could just forget about it you would have done, nobody wants to feel like this for sh1ts and giggles. 

I think talking about truamas is like lancing a boil, you've got to do it to let all the bad stuff out before it poisons you further.

I can totally agree with you there. I told my therapist that I have autism and cPTSD and when doing my sessions I say the same old spiel over and over despite having so much from the job issue always back to being bullied as a toddler. Then I was told why can’t I just move on and let go and accept reality and I’m like I’ve paid all that money to hear that?! I hate to say this but I’m not having to resort to meds in the hope they can at least help with the meltdowns. I am very weary of them though I’ll admit. I also spoke to my mum about something that has traumatised me and I’ve never spoken about it to anyone as I kept quiet for a few years but in my meltdown yesterday I just blurted it out so I’m feeling all the hurt and shock over again. 

I was offered EMDR, and didn't think it was suitable for people with cPTSD, I questioned the therapist about how it would work when the trauma's go back as far as I can remember, and some of the memories are just sort of snapshots. Where do you start when the traumas start so young? He eventually admitted that what he was offering was unlikely to help, but he was still very zealous about EMDR, the zealotry did disturb me, as I don't really trust zelots of any stripe as I don' think they can see the wood for the trees.

Thank you for the tips. I’m thinking of possibly having a break or even stopping therapy as I just seem to be told the same techniques all the time and I have lost confidence with my latest emdr therapy. I just can’t take the brutality of it all. I will try the letter thing though and then burn. Kind of like the beginning of the latest James Bond film where they burn their issues etc 

Don’t worry, I’m not sure it could have been you mentioned the thought stopping thing on another post that wasn’t mine. Thank you for telling me regardless. Yeah I think the showtime game is super cute. Suppose it’s quite easy but I like to have more chill easy games

You are not untreatable, in my time as a counsellor I helped people who suffer as you do with intrusive memories and thoughts, I've had lots of them myself and sometimes still do. Try to find someone who's familiar with empty chair exercises, I would of thought most counsellors and therapists would be, but maybe I'm wrong?

With an empty chair exercise, you place an object or a photo or something in an empty chair, the counsellor will guide you through telling that memory person how what they said and did to you was wrong, it will all be your words and memories, but instead of staying with your hurt child self you will be speaking to them as an adult, standing up for your younger self. It all sounds a bit strange, but believe me it works and is very powerful. 

You could try writing a letter to one of the people contaminating your head and tell them exactly what they've done to you, what sort of person are they for saying these things to a young and impressionable person. Then burn it, let the flames take the hurt and anger.

Oh, I’m so sorry if I have already mentioned that to you! You haven’t mentioned the similarity to Princess Peace Showtime, though. I’d like to try out that game, it sounds really adorable.

Unknown said:

I always seem to question if my brain is lying or not.

My rule of thumb is that if I have to ask the question, then it's lying to me.

Aww glad to hear that helps for you. I always seem to question if my brain is lying or not. Say I guess I’m conflicted 

Thank you for that chart, I can definitely relate to the majority of what is written there. I have actually never considered bipolar disorder if I’m honest. I believe it is actually similar to EUPD which is what I now have but I think bipolar involves more just waking up with either mania or depression where as EUPD is caused by triggers. I might ask my GP when I next see him if I can have a bipolar assessment though as it’s best to be safe than sorry. I don’t really know how the NHS work so I don’t know if bipolar would come under general assessments or its own one. 

As for therapy, I used to be with CAMHS but that was because my parents had been good enough to pay private for my therapy and the psychologist I saw was able to get me with her at CAMHS but I had to leave when I turned 18 and there was no point in going private again as we were moving out of area. I had some regular talking therapists but I didn’t gel with them and same with the hypnotherapy. I did have a CBT counsellor but one day she just said she couldn’t help me anymore. Private therapists have been from £40-£100 per hour and money is a bit of a struggle especially now I have my own place. I would mention that DBT had cost me £900 a month. Think I’d rather had a couple of nights as The Shard hotel haha. 

CBT is well known to need adapting for neurodivergency so it's not a surprise that didn't work. I don't think just talking is always great with autism either. I've never tried any of the others to have much opinion but I just don't think you've found the right therapist and therapy yet. It isn't your fault.

I'm not expert and can offer no actual advice but having an inner monologue and negative self talk is common with autism. But to be hearing the voices of other people sounds like more than that. Perhaps due to one of your other diagnoses, I don't know. When you were diagnosed with your other conditions do you talk about these voices?

Thanks for the advice. I think you might have actually mentioned this in the past to me on one of my other posts, if so I do apologise for repeating myself and yourself. I should have a look through my previous posts again.

When you said that it actually reminded me of playing of Princess Peach showtime, where she comes across the cute little species (called theets) who have lost confidence or are panicking and Peach uses her power from her ally Stella to help the theets regain their power and confidence. So if a theet is saying she has no ingredients to bake with, Peach with use her sparkle power so the theet will say she can just get more ingredients. 

I will try this, just need to feel ok with myself

Ahh I’m sorry to hear about this, I can understand why you aren’t optimistic, I’ll be honest I’ve always been let down by the nhs. 

I have tried CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy and even DBT. Admittedly I dropped out of DBT due to it being too expensive but other therapists have just dropped me saying they can’t help me anymore. I’ve even tried just talking therapy and again dropped like that. 

As with voices it can be my own at times but more often or not it is these horrible people I’ve encountered, it’s bad enough they say it once but they kept repeating themselves and you could say it’s like all these horrible things have been planted in my head and have grown and I’d need like a weed killer but it’s finding the right one. Or like I’ve had these things tattooed in my head and despite laser therapy the things aren’t completely gone. Weird analogies I come up with but it’s how I can best describe it. 

My brain lies to me all the time. I'm getting better at recognising the lies and calling them out. It helps.

Unknown said:

is autism the reason why I won’t recover and therapy isn’t working for me?

I would suspect that you just haven't found a therapist who is knowledgable in autism and who can deal with your type of personality (some of us are hard work).

I don't think the NHS has been effective with its autism training for the staff working for it and have been focussing on more common issues instead so private therapy (at around £50/hour) is the most likely to get results in my opinion.

Unknown said:

I keep getting these “voices” in my head nagging me to punish myself

I'm not a medical expert but this sounds much more like bipolar disorder (BPD) than autism. 

There is an article on it here:

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/bipolar-and-autism/

Hallucinations (including auditory) are associated with mania in BPD

I cannot offer medical advice other than to suggest you ask your GP for you to be assessed for BPD.

With the complete diagnoses of all your neurodivergent disorders then you should be able to persuade the GP to get you a more specialised therapist I would hope.

Good luck

So I might just be repeating a spiel you’ve already gotten from one of your therapists, but maybe you could try thought stopping? The idea is when you have a bad thought, you don’t just smack it away. You take the thought, think of how it is wrong or how it is making you feel, then think of something positive.

Ex. Several months ago I kept having the intrusive thought of something to the effect of “I can’t handle anything,” so I then followed it up with “But I can try.” It took a lot of effort and care to keep with that. Eventually I got to the point where I stopped having that thought. And now I can’t even remember exactly what the thought was lol.

I don’t think it’s for everyone, and I wasn’t sure about it myself, but it ended up working out in my case. So maybe it’s worth a try if you haven’t already?

I hope that helps. I’m really sorry therapy hasn’t been working out well for you so far.

When you say voices do you mean your own voice or voices that you're hearing? As I think they are very different things.

Certain types of therapy don't work well with autism. When you've had private therapy has it just been talking or have they tried a range of therapies with you?

I've had issues with therapy myself. I've only been through the NHS and it's always been short term which doesn't work for me at all. The therapist I've just had is in the process of writing my discharge letter in which she is going to suggest to the NHS what I need in terms of long term therapy and see what they come up with. I'm not overly optimistic unfortunately.