Losing your safe person

I suppose my person would be my son, he's away at university and I hadn't realised how much I'd miss him.

I don't have friends and I think he ended up filling that void. I knew I missed him but I'd never really expressed it outwardly.

I was talking to a psychologist last week and we got into the topic of me developing some sort of social network. She asked me why do I want friends as I find social interactions wearing. I eventually figured out that I need someone and this really touched a nerve. Realising how isolated I am really did a number on me.

I came home and just broke down and I'm still out of sorts.

So I need to develop some sort of friendship with an adult person that can cope with having an ad-hoc person in their life.

My son is coming for a visit next week so hopefully that'll help brighten my existence.

I'm in the same position right now, my wife is leaving me after 13 years together 3 years married and she said she doesn't love me anymore. I didn't even know she wasn't happy I didn't pick it up. I moved back with my parents to put house on market and she's going to solicitor for divorce. I'm 35 and I don't see how I can move past this either.

she was my safe person that I could be myself around and she was always accepting so I can feel your pain. Stay strong. I've been to my doctor.

Seek professional medical help 

I've never had a safe person. I don't value having any social relationship of the sort.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I haven’t any advice that will make what you feel go away except to say don’t fight what you feel. Stay with the feeling and acknowledge that you are wounded. Time can heal much of what we feel when we are wounded, although you will not forget what you are now missing.

In the weeks ahead, you can eventually begin to think about what can be done to make your life better and to build on your existing small circle of your Mum and best friend.

My situation is different to yours but my best friend died two years ago. We shared so many similar things and I could talk to her about anything. I have a couple of friends I occasionally see, but I could never share much about how I really feel as we just don’t have that deep connection. I miss my best friend very much and much of the time I am isolated, of my own choosing, yet I yearn for a deep connection with someone who would be a friend and who wouldn’t make me feel exhausted in his or her company. I will always miss my best friend but time has allowed healing to take place.

Life will always be different for you but given time, you can get through this.

Dear SummerBerries, 

Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that you are currently going through a relationship break up and losing your safe person. It is good that you’ve let us know what’s happening and how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.     

 If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support . 

The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service. In England, Wales and Scotland there is now an option to speak with mental health professionals by selecting ‘option 2’ when calling NHS 111: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/  

Help for anyone struggling to cope  

• Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  

• Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday)   

• SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)  

• Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): 0800 58 58 58, for anyone who is struggling or affected by suicide or suicidal thoughts (5pm to midnight every day).    

• Shout 85258: a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone struggling to cope.  

We hope this is helpful to you.  

Kind regards 

Rosie Mod  

Yes I've lost my safe person. It wasn't a relationship but a good friend. They seemed to really understand and was one of the only people that actively wanted to talk to me and be my friend. They were the person I confided in, ranted too, messaged about my day, told my funny little stories too, could be weird around. It was the most comfortable I've ever felt with a person. And then gradually it faded away. I tried so hard to stop it but they just didn't seem to want it anymore. Now it's barely anything and there is a big hole in my life. I've lost so much and they're just happily enjoying life with their less weird friends. It really gets me down. I too struggle to form connections and now I'd be really wary of even trying because I wouldn't want to feel this level of hurt again.

I wish I had some advice for you but I haven't found a solution myself.

I don't have much advice but I know it is hard. I ended a relationship with the only person I loved 27 years ago, she was also my main friend and we did everything together for 7 years. It was always awkward between us, I don't really know why.  I had a breakdown in front of her, I was overloaded, I don't really understand what happened and it traumatized me (there is more I won't share here). She may have been a covert narcissist but I don't know, I question my judgement now. A counsellor had said I should leave her a year before. We were in a dysfunctional codependency. Somehow we did not seem to make each other happy, although there were some good times. I thought she was doing something to make me depressed. I didn't know I may have ASD at the time. She suggested it but I shutdown and refused to consider it. I thought I was being manipulated. Having hidden and buried it all, and been on my own for nearly 3 decades, I am now trying understand myself. I will find out if I have ASD in around 2 weeks, they want to talk to two other sources who are on holiday before saying. If it is positive I think I will know why it was hard to bond. I will also try to find her to see if she will talk to me. It has been a long time, and she will have a different life, but I think I will try. Almost certainly it will not go well, but there is a tiny chance on my fantasy head. We were well matched, which is partly why I never found anyone else.

Anyway for you, take some time, e.g up to 6 months to see how you feel. If you have issues get some help, don't bury stuff. Finding people is hard, but hiding does not work either. At least as a woman people may talk to you if you go to coffee shops, pubs or a gym. Online stuff is too hard. You need to try to do something, cooking classes, church, courses, to meet people or at least be visible.

Maybe your ex will find it hard and come back