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Losing your safe person

SummerBerries

Hey guys. I'll try explain in the least amount of words.' Im autistic. My partner of 4 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. It was "amicable", as in there was no screaming arguments or anything. He decided we weren't the same people as when we met and we had "drifted apart" (Although I never saw this and was blindsided). But that means I'm still in love with him. Additionally, my ex was the only person I unmasked around. He was my safe person. Before we met I was extremely miserable all the time because I had nothing happy in my life. Even my best friend I cannot fully unmask around. I now feel so so alone and like I've been put back in a box. Idk how to move on from my ex when he was the only person I was myself around. I feel like a piece of me is missing now and in a deeper way than just the relationship breakup. I only have my best friend and my mum, my circle is very small. And I honestly don't know how to keep going when I genuinely believe my life will not get better. I can't work full time, I can't form connections, and now I can't even share my autistic rambles and "weirdness". I don't think anyone else will ever get me. I just really don't see a reason to live when I believe the happiest time of my life is over and I will never experience it again.

So to my fellow Neurodivergents, have you been in a similar situation losing your safe person and struggling to see any future? Any advice?

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  • I don't have much advice but I know it is hard. I ended a relationship with the only person I loved 27 years ago, she was also my main friend and we did everything together for 7 years. It was always awkward between us, I don't really know why.  I had a breakdown in front of her, I was overloaded, I don't really understand what happened and it traumatized me (there is more I won't share here). She may have been a covert narcissist but I don't know, I question my judgement now. A counsellor had said I should leave her a year before. We were in a dysfunctional codependency. Somehow we did not seem to make each other happy, although there were some good times. I thought she was doing something to make me depressed. I didn't know I may have ASD at the time. She suggested it but I shutdown and refused to consider it. I thought I was being manipulated. Having hidden and buried it all, and been on my own for nearly 3 decades, I am now trying understand myself. I will find out if I have ASD in around 2 weeks, they want to talk to two other sources who are on holiday before saying. If it is positive I think I will know why it was hard to bond. I will also try to find her to see if she will talk to me. It has been a long time, and she will have a different life, but I think I will try. Almost certainly it will not go well, but there is a tiny chance on my fantasy head. We were well matched, which is partly why I never found anyone else.

    Anyway for you, take some time, e.g up to 6 months to see how you feel. If you have issues get some help, don't bury stuff. Finding people is hard, but hiding does not work either. At least as a woman people may talk to you if you go to coffee shops, pubs or a gym. Online stuff is too hard. You need to try to do something, cooking classes, church, courses, to meet people or at least be visible.

    Maybe your ex will find it hard and come back

Reply

  • I don't have much advice but I know it is hard. I ended a relationship with the only person I loved 27 years ago, she was also my main friend and we did everything together for 7 years. It was always awkward between us, I don't really know why.  I had a breakdown in front of her, I was overloaded, I don't really understand what happened and it traumatized me (there is more I won't share here). She may have been a covert narcissist but I don't know, I question my judgement now. A counsellor had said I should leave her a year before. We were in a dysfunctional codependency. Somehow we did not seem to make each other happy, although there were some good times. I thought she was doing something to make me depressed. I didn't know I may have ASD at the time. She suggested it but I shutdown and refused to consider it. I thought I was being manipulated. Having hidden and buried it all, and been on my own for nearly 3 decades, I am now trying understand myself. I will find out if I have ASD in around 2 weeks, they want to talk to two other sources who are on holiday before saying. If it is positive I think I will know why it was hard to bond. I will also try to find her to see if she will talk to me. It has been a long time, and she will have a different life, but I think I will try. Almost certainly it will not go well, but there is a tiny chance on my fantasy head. We were well matched, which is partly why I never found anyone else.

    Anyway for you, take some time, e.g up to 6 months to see how you feel. If you have issues get some help, don't bury stuff. Finding people is hard, but hiding does not work either. At least as a woman people may talk to you if you go to coffee shops, pubs or a gym. Online stuff is too hard. You need to try to do something, cooking classes, church, courses, to meet people or at least be visible.

    Maybe your ex will find it hard and come back

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