Published on 12, July, 2020
I was 19 when my mental health problems started and now here I am at 27. All that time wasted against myself. It kills me how my own mind can hate me so much.
I hate how during the passages of time I've changed in how I feel and how I am. Change is something that's affected my life greatly and in the last eight years I've lost people, people I loved and now looking back I realise I lost myself somewhere during the tragedy of those years.
I'll get there I just wish it wasn't costing me so much time. Until tonight I never realised how much times been wasted during this. The sad reality is if my mum hadn't died then none of this would have happened.
Yes, losing people is like losing a part of yourself especially if who they were was directly related to who you were/are. It's so heart wrenching to feel that sense of loss of identity and meaning but you're brave in posting it here. I'm glad you have because you will receive a lot of support from people who can relate to that feeling.
I see time as a learning period including all the nasty things that have happened in my life. There have been many. I am glad to be here because things do get better and with age, things improve as you learn more about yourself. It sounds like you do know yourself pretty well so accepting the loss of your mum and others will be your next step towards a different life. It won't be the same life as before which in itself is terrifying but it'll have joy in there too. Do you find counselling helpful or is it better for you to lose yourself in activities? You sound like a strong and brave person. Thanks for posting here.
Hello, thanks for you reply and please accept my apologies for my op, I was really tired when I wrote it, yesterday was a long day for me.
I am grateful for you replying though.
Do you find counselling helpful or is it better for you to lose yourself in activities?
I've seen my therapist a couple of times but haven't noticed any changes in myself yet but it might be too early to for that to happen, or it might be happening already and I haven't noticed yet.
I find talking a great outlet. And interacting with others, one of the reasons I come here.
I also try to keep myself busy but that's a tricky one as some days I seem to have absolutely no motivation to do things, like just getting out of bed is a challenge on those days but then I think I might be experiencing burnout as I'm always exhausted.
Sorry I'm turning this in to an essay.
I think something I still try and do unsuccessfully so far is process the loss of my mum and deal with accepting it. I'm still not sure how to do either but I'm hoping my therapist can help me there.
I'm glad you're still here in this world and I'm glad you made it back to the site. Thanks for your help tonight :)
I appreciate your reply. Essays are difficult not to write when you get on a roll - me too! :-) It's great to see you are feeling better today and to see that people are connecting through their losses too. It's indescribable when someone is no longer there. I'm glad this post has opened a space where people can find comfort in each other. I think your post has helped many people here be open about their struggles so thanks to you for reaching out and for others for being open and honest about how it is for them. This site is so heart warming in the depths of difficulty.
Hi again.
Thanks. This thread has gone into a something nice where we are able to connect and relate, something that’s important but difficult to do though I have noticed on this site it’s easier to do. In person I struggle with it. Loss is something I still haven’t come to terms with. I feel I am always trying to process it but not ever being able to, it’s a constant battle, but my therapist assures me we’ll get there together so I hope she’s right as it’s never been possible on my own.
It helps knowing we all experience these things, though I'm sorry others go through this. But today is a new day, and it already feels like its going to be a good one :)
This site is a friendly resource and I admit, I would be lost without it. I don’t always post but I do read a lot of the discussions and this site’s lucky to be blessed with so many knowledgeable and supportive people here.