Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone,
I am currently un-diagnosed with anything and awaiting an ASD which can take up to 20 months. I am currently a year into that wait.
I'm not sure how to start this discussion as i have had to bullet point everything. I cannot justify in saying there is something a miss due to my condition because medically at the moment I do not have one. But i feel i need to say something as i'm not sure if I am genuinely struggling or it is a case of self loathing, I can't tell either apart.
- For a long time I have been worrying, not about anything in general, just a constant state of melancholy, I never really feel 'happy' which is strange considering I have a lovely home, a fantastic wife and two amazing kids.
- I have always been socially awkward and find it very difficult to be around others including work where I am struggling to do daily tasks and feeling a have to put on a 'brave' face every time I encounter a work colleague.
- I am also getting 'brain fog' more and more again which I have had in the past, usually it would've been at work, but its at home now as well. Struggling with concentration and empathy towards my loved ones.
- I simply want to be alone all the time, but with work, a house to run and family to take care off, its nearly impossible to achieve this.
- I have been feeling emotional quite a bit for a long time, a sense of a peak happiness is quickly followed by sadness and emotion be that from having fun with my kids or listening to music, which i do alot!
- I feel I don't do enough for my family and I am selfish without knowing it. I love my wife with all my heart but I feel I don't do enough and in turn I feel like one of the kids as I feel she communicates to me like one of the kids when is come to discipline, I feel I can't make her happy because I am so wrapped up in my own selfishness and self loathing.
- I don't know why I feel like this, I have no need to. I have a wonderful family and now I feel I am being selfish for feeling this way when I shouldn't. But I can't seem to tell what is being selfish and self loathing and what is an actual issue that I maybe have.
Some thoughts and tips would be fantastic as I feel I am really struggling at the moment, when I perhaps shouldn't be.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this.
It's clear you're going through a challenging time, and exploring your feelings is a good step, although you’re giving yourself a hard time by thinking you’re selfish etc. Your feelings are valid, whether or not you have a formal diagnosis, and you can have everything in the world but still feel the way you do… in some way that makes it more difficult as you feel more guilty for having everything but still feeling bad. Emotions, depression, do not discriminate. Many people experience similar struggles, and it doesn't make them any less real or significant. While waiting for your ASD assessment, consider seeking support around your mental health or try out some mindfulness, meditation, or gentle exercise that can help with brain fog and emotional regulation. Breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps at work and home can reduce feelings of being overwhelmed. Even completing one small task is still an achievement you should be proud of, as it can be so hard sometimes especially when you’re feeling low. It might also help to have an open conversation with your wife about how you’re feeling, so she can understand and hopefully make you feel less anxious about your feelings of not making her happy. I have found watching lots of YouTube videos about autistic burnout also very helpful, you may want to try watching some of these too as it might help you process what sounds like autistic burnout.
Thankyou for your help.
I do feel burnt out, I've recently had 3 anniversaries of loved ones I've lost happen in quick succession recently which I am finding hard to deal with.
My wife is a great support and rock to me, I don't know what I would do without her. I don't like letting loved ones down, namely her.
The wait for the assessment, literally feels like a weight on me I can't shift. If I knew what the issue was I could try and program myself to accept and cope better possibility.
Again, thanks for your advice