Not feeling OK.. for a long time now.

Hello everyone,

I am currently un-diagnosed with anything and awaiting an ASD which can take up to 20 months.  I am currently a year into that wait.

I'm not sure how to start this discussion as i have had to bullet point everything.  I cannot justify in saying there is something  a miss due to my condition because medically at the moment I do not have one.  But i feel i need to say something as i'm not sure if I am genuinely struggling or it is a case of self loathing, I can't tell either apart.

- For a long time I have been worrying, not about anything in general, just a constant state of melancholy, I never really feel 'happy' which is strange considering I have a lovely home, a fantastic wife and two amazing kids.

-  I have always been socially awkward and find it very difficult to be around others including work where I am struggling to do daily tasks and feeling a have to put on a 'brave' face every time I encounter a work colleague. 

-  I am also getting 'brain fog' more and more again which I have had in the past, usually it would've been at work, but its at home now as well.  Struggling with concentration and empathy towards my loved ones.

- I simply want to be alone all the time, but with work, a house to run and family to take care off, its nearly impossible to achieve this. 

-  I have been feeling emotional quite a bit for a long time, a sense of a peak happiness is quickly followed by sadness and emotion be that from having fun with my kids or listening to music, which i do alot!

-  I feel I don't do enough for my family and I am selfish without knowing it. I love my wife with all my heart but I feel I don't do enough and in turn I feel like one of the kids as I feel she communicates to me like one of the kids when is come to discipline, I feel I can't make her happy because I am so wrapped up in my own selfishness and self loathing.

- I don't know why I feel like this, I have no need to.  I have a wonderful family and now I feel I am being selfish for feeling this way when I shouldn't.  But I can't seem to tell what is being selfish and self loathing and what is an actual issue that I maybe have.

Some thoughts and tips would be fantastic as I feel I am really struggling at the moment, when I perhaps shouldn't be.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this.