Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel tired. I can say tired with life, but not suicidal. Not even negative. I just have little or no energy to do things, I feel like my body is too heavy to move or like I stick in a swamp. Even after well rest. My life has always been driven by passionate interests and hobbies. Now I have no energy even for that. YouTube suggested me new videos about UFOs and aliens and I just saved that for later. I have no power to even watch it now. Everything gets worse because I crave more and more loneliness, zoome out, dissociate, behave like a catatonic and get questions what’s wrong. I don’t know and I don’t know how to help it. I’m fed up with mental health professionals after my last therapy, where the therapist clearly didn’t understand me and my issues. I don’t know where to move what to do. Any advice will be appreciated.
I think needing alone time is normal, I think you need to diferentiate between loneliness and alone, the former can be quite damaging to a persons sense of self and mental well being, whereas wanting to be alone is totally different, its a state of not wanting outside input. We live in a world that values and in my opinion overvalues constant contact with others, we're surrounded by data and encouraged to consume ever more of it. Therapists often don't help with the ned for alone time, they call it self isolation and see it as bad, rather than just having space and the need to renew ones batteries.
When I was counselling, I used to go on silent retreat at least once a year and I could see my collegues struggle with this, I could see the questions floating around their heads, 'is this OK', 'should I challenge this', what about the spiritual aspects, is this something I should support and encourage'? I could also see them flumoxed by my answer of why I felt the need to do them and then the dawning of understanding, I chose silence not because I didn't want to talk to people, but because I didn't want to listen to them.
In some novels I read, I came across the concept of a mind belly and humans needing to thoughts, logic and inquiry, etc to feed their mind bellies rather than act instinctively and from age old customs. I loved this idea of a mind belly, my mind belly is often hungry, but give it the wrong "food" and it gets indigestion just as much as my belly belly does, I get a kind of constipation of the mind belly and the only way to shift it is to zob out whilst it all slowly digests and gradually passes.
Just allow your mind belly to deal with this constipation and then you'll come back to yourself and your life. Just as constipation of the belly belly with leave you feeling bloated and toxic so does constipation of the mind belly. Maybe use the concept of the mind belly to explain to others your needs and ask them what their mind belly like to eat?
Thank you, yes the alone time is what I need even more recently. Sadly my husband is punishing me for that by ghosting me. He does not speak to me when we are together, does not want me to eat with him and our daughter. It’s a silent treatment from him as a punishment for me wanting to be alone for some time everyday. And it doesn’t matter that I care for my family, cook for them, clean at home, also manage some time for them. He is angry that I’m who I am. I feel like it’s a straight path to divorce. I also don’t find being alone wrong or unhealthy, but unfortunately there are people who do and they see it as a problem.
Maybe you are experiencing the 'freeze' response to stress/trauma? Might be worth looking into.