Published on 12, July, 2020
There seems to be two schools of thought on this: do it and do not. Many people say that everyone masks - autistics and allistics alike and I do think that's true. Most people have a work-mask, for example. Some autistics say that they are fed up of masking and want to stop, or have stopped, and that it's better for them.
I've come to the conclusion that masking itself isn't the problem. I think, at least for me, it's the motivation behind it that needs to be examined. Why am I doing it?
Where I'm going with this is that masking can sometimes, I think, be good. It can be protective for the individual and it can even be enabling. Exhausting, yes, but still enabling. But other times it can be bad. Bad for me, and it can lead to a bad outcome for others. An example, would be if you're a "pleaser". I find it hard to say no and I consider that a part of my masking make-up. I often want to say no, but cannot, and yet sometimes no is the right answer.
Maybe I need to be more mindful in my masking.... if that's even possible. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
I used to mask quite a bit. I was always being sociable, energetic, people pleaser, etc etc. I think people still thought I was a bit odd but not too much. Once I got home though I'd have meltdowns for hours (one day I screamed for 8hours straight and lost my voice). The slightest things would trigger it (like a fork being in the knife drawer, or the picture frame being crooked).
When I stopped forcing social interactions then I stopped having meltdowns (only a fraction as often anyway). I still mask but just in a different way. I spend the day making sure I'm making the 'correct' facial expressions and posture, not making any 'strange' movements, and whenever I HAVE to talk to someone then I make sure I'm looking interested and nodding and saying the 'correct' response, etc. Other than that, I just keep to myself, dissociate. Its lonelier that way but I don't mind too much because I'm actually able to go home and only need a couple hours of recharge. Im able to get my homework done instead of spending my whole evening in meltdown-mode.
I don't think its possible for me to act the way I do at home (or alone) when I'm in public. I always feel like I have to be a bit vigilant, theres too much stimuli, and I've gone on for too long. But there are times when I feel like I can unmask (or only mask to a extent that a NT would) and its those times where I'm actually able to make a friend - when its not crowded or busy, quiet, I'm better with one on one but also having a sibling or someone I'm comfortable with to help - I like it because I don't feel as lonely anymore but I also don't end up being completely drained.
I think masking can be beneficial. You certainly wouldn't want to go into a funeral and start singing 'baby shark' just to say 'im unmasking' (not that example but you know what I mean). It can help get you through a tough situation. But overall I'd say that masking doesn't do me too much good.
There have also been times when I made a friend while masking (made a very successful social interaction) but by the next time I see them I act as if I never met them before or as if I was giving them the 'cold shoulder'. I don't mean to of course, I just used up so much energy masking for that day that I cant do it again for at least a month. Then my inconsistent friendship with them makes it end quite quickly (not that the friendship was even that fun to begin with since I wasn't myself). So I definitely think masking hasn't worked In my favor in that regard.
I think I do mask a little bit (to the extent I expect an NT does) all the time. Like from friend to friend I act a bit different. Even on here I sometimes will act different, sometimes acting more analytical, other times acting more childish and 'lol-ish'. And I think in general all of those are me, just different versions or changing slightly to better fit the situation, without completely masking if that makes sense. I think masking is fine and normal but when it becomes too much then it can cause problems.
Hi FH
Nice to see you back on here. Well said by the way in your post, I mask a huge amount and also try to please a lot. The pleasing part I have reduced quite a lot as I would constantly beat myself up for not saying no when I should have. I have created a terrible cycle with that with my partner, if I say no to something I get told that I never do anything to help them and always resist. This forces me to rethink and I eventually cave in and agree to help, even if I have no time to. I remember you advised me on this a while ago FH and introduced me to Fawning. I did my homework and learned a lot about why we do this and how it can make us vulnerable to certain types of people. I am now very aware when I’m doing this and even though sometimes I still end up doing it I can say no sometimes. Good point on masking also, I always felt that I needed to get rid of that part. But it’s needed in doses I guess and it’s about knowing when you have reached your limit. At least then like you say, you can go and grab a couple of hours of recharge time.
Take care