To mask or not to mask...

It is hugely personal. I think do what works best for you in any situation that you find yourself. For myself, masking can be exhausting, but otherwise it has no particular adverse effects. Therefore, as we live in a majority neurotypical world, I mask in order to exist optimally in that world. Since being diagnosed, I now tend to avoid situations I know will be unpleasant for me, if I can, and have much less inhibition in bailing out of situations that have become unpleasant. I suspect that for most people there is a balance to be struck between being comfortable and enduring discomfort in pursuit of goals that are meaningful to us. Did I find formal examinations, in examination halls full of anxious people, hell on wheels? Yes, but I did them, because I knew I needed the qualifications to achieve a good quality of life.

Just something I read the other day,

”You call it unmasking, I call it having unprotected autism”

I am now 61 and masked most of my life. My mother told me that I should always put myself first instead of other, which has taken me too long to do. 

I no longer mask it has drained the life out of of me over the years. Now, what you see is what get, no pleasing other before my self, learned to say no and not yes all the time.

For me masking over a long period really effected my health in a bad way. Now I do not worry about what people think of me, its not me with a problem it is them.

I hope that you are able to get the balance right, I never could until now.

Lots of really thoughtful and very full replies. Thank-you all for your time. This will take me quite a while to digest but it is really helpful. 

There is more than one mask, and the trick is to know which ones to stop wearing.

I've thrown away the "Always try to please others", "Go along with what others do to stop myself looking different" and "Don't tell others my weird interests" masks.

I've kept the "Short, no real meaning answers to greetings", "Not going on about myself or my interests until I bore the listener almost catatonic" and " Keep my skeletons in the closet " masks.

So, I don't go to any social events unless I feel I want to, I say what I think about things without worrying if it pleases others, and tell people I enjoy playing video games (not weird for some, but people think it is when you're a woman in your sixties)

I think that shedding those masks has helped me feel more relaxed and made me appear more genuine to my colleagues. I seem to have aquired a few friends now, and I maintain my working relationships by giving expected short responses (for example, to how are you? - Ok thanks, what about you?) to people I'm less close to, and by engaging more with those I'm closer to, including communication that helps them feel good (That top really suits you, could you help me with this, thank you for helping with that, etc). I don't tell anyone everything about myself or my past and I check they appear interested before going on about a topic that interests me. I'm not actually sure if these are masks or just learned behaviour, but I don't feel it's harmful to me. Neurotypical people have to learn this behaviour too, it's just more intuitive to them, and they behave differently at work than at home, so they wear masks too.

Hi FH

Nice to see you back on here. 
Well said by the way in your post, I mask a huge amount and also try to please a lot. The pleasing part I have reduced quite a lot as I would constantly beat myself up for not saying no when I should have. I have created a terrible cycle with that with my partner, if I say no to something I get told that I never do anything to help them and always resist. This forces me to rethink and I eventually cave in and agree to help, even if I have no time to. 
I remember you advised me on this a while ago FH and introduced me to Fawning. I did my homework and learned a lot about why we do this and how it can make us vulnerable to certain types of people. 
I am now very aware when I’m doing this and even though sometimes I still end up doing it I can say no sometimes. 
Good point on masking also, I always felt that I needed to get rid of that part. But it’s needed in doses I guess and it’s about knowing when you have reached your limit. At least then like you say, you can go and grab a couple of hours of recharge time. 

Take care 

I used to mask quite a bit. I was always being sociable, energetic, people pleaser, etc etc. I think people still thought I was a bit odd but not too much. Once I got home though I'd have meltdowns for hours (one day I screamed for 8hours straight and lost my voice). The slightest things would trigger it (like a fork being in the knife drawer, or the picture frame being crooked).

When I stopped forcing social interactions then I stopped having meltdowns (only a fraction as often anyway). I still mask but just in a different way. I spend the day making sure I'm making the 'correct' facial expressions and posture, not making any 'strange' movements, and whenever I HAVE to talk to someone then I make sure I'm looking interested and nodding and saying the 'correct' response, etc. Other than that, I just keep to myself, dissociate. Its lonelier that way but I don't mind too much because I'm actually able to go home and only need a couple hours of recharge. Im able to get my homework done instead of spending my whole evening in meltdown-mode. 

I don't think its possible for me to act the way I do at home (or alone) when I'm in public. I always feel like I have to be a bit vigilant, theres too much stimuli, and I've gone on for too long. But there are times when I feel like I can unmask (or only mask to a extent that a NT would) and its those times where I'm actually able to make a friend - when its not crowded or busy, quiet, I'm better with one on one but also having a sibling or someone I'm comfortable with to help - I like it because I don't feel as lonely anymore but I also don't end up being completely drained. 

I think masking can be beneficial. You certainly wouldn't want to go into a funeral and start singing 'baby shark' just to say 'im unmasking' (not that example but you know what I mean). It can help get you through a tough situation. But overall I'd say that masking doesn't do me too much good.

There have also been times when I made a friend while masking (made a very successful social interaction) but by the next time I see them I act as if I never met them before or as if I was giving them the 'cold shoulder'. I don't mean to of course, I just used up so much energy masking for that day that I cant do it again for at least a month. Then my inconsistent friendship with them makes it end quite quickly (not that the friendship was even that fun to begin with since I wasn't myself). So I definitely think masking hasn't worked In my favor in that regard.

I think I do mask a little bit (to the extent I expect an NT does) all the time. Like from friend to friend I act a bit different. Even on here I sometimes will act different, sometimes acting more analytical, other times acting more childish and 'lol-ish'. And I think in general all of those are me, just different versions or changing slightly to better fit the situation, without completely masking if that makes sense. I think masking is fine and normal but when it becomes too much then it can cause problems.

I would say both - masking heavily and not masking at all can be wrong. At least for me. I used to mask a lot several years ago and still couldn’t form any friendships and endlessly wondered why. In college my colleagues wanted to have me in the projects, but then socially they rejected me as usual although I have masked a lot (subconsciously, I had no idea about ASD at that time) I remember doing things that I didn’t like or need just to fit in. And then sudddnly I withdrew from social life because I was exhausted of pretending and not getting the desired results. I was also abused many times, I was the people pleaser. Now after few years of social isolation I’m like a child and have to learn these things again. I hope to get used to it and be able to mask a bit more, but not as much as before. The difference is also that now I have more knowledge and awareness. So I think, that most important is finding the golden center - when masking is necessary and serves us, and when it’s not and it’s better to give up on it to save some more energy and if possible avoid having meltdowns/panic attacks or other bad reactions. 

I feel like masking is a complex thing and not just a case of hiding. I see three main actions of masking...

We can mask in a way that emulates those around us, this appearing to fit in.

We can hide a feeling or strong emotion around other people, again appearing to be the same and fit in.

We can also go along with things so as to not upset people and end up being rejected.

Personally I think I'd rather mask less. This means being myself more and hoping people accept it. I think It's possible to work on reducing either of these 3 aspects of masking in varying degrees. I don't think it's as simple as having to "mask or not mask".

Arise said:

Where I'm going with this is that masking can sometimes, I think, be good.

Masking for autists is fundamentally a survival trait that allows us to not stand out too much and prevents us being victimised for appearing "odd".

When NTs are growing up they watch and learn much more instinctively than NDs - we tend to be sidetracked by sensory overload and interests that seem more imortant than just "hanging with my friends" and hence miss a lot of the situations where common behaviours are learned.

As we age the different situations socially and with more formal situations bring a whole host of different behaviours we are typically poorly adapted to and we have to conciously mask more. Standing out when not masking will often lead us to be excluded socially or not being able to keep the job (whether not passing the probation period through not being a "team player" or suffering anxiety / meltdowns from the energy used through masking / hostile environments).

If you have a situation where you can go mask-free then it is great, but most of us have found that ourside our home or family environments, this is not really practical all the time so we adopt a situational mask.

This means we behave as the situation requires, whether at work, commuting, at the doctors, at a funeral, on a date or whatever.

For some this is too overwhelming and for others it can be achieved with considerable overhead, but it allows us a way of existing in society or employment that enables us to have a more or less "normal" life.