Published on 12, July, 2020
For me, it's a shameful and terrifying experience, a total loss of control during which I take actions I would never normally contemplate.
For me, I'm curious whether this represents a typical reaction for someone with ASD or if it's more a product of my emotional repression and/or childhood PTSD
There are degrees of anger for me, from the mild anger of a bad driver cutting in front of me in a dangerous way to the rage with the red mist descending and me being a real danger to life and limb.
I've learned to manage the milder anger with mindfulness and simply saving vengance to be served later in a more practical way when justified. It does give me a laser focus on the situation, racing pulse and all senses are heightened. I can control breathing and responses in these situations
Rage can come when somebody is trying ro rob me at knifepoint or hurt my family - then I completely lose control and the red mist descends and I will pick up anything to use as a weapon or just go in with fists flying - unfortunately with the intention to maim or worse.
It is like someone else has taken over in these situations and the viciousness is quite out of character for me. It does worry me that I will end up doing something I can't undo one of these days.
I'm able to take a lot of built up anger out in the demolition parts of my work which is a tremedous benefit.