Work Anxiety

For some time I've been attempting to work part time at a preschool. It's something I'm v passionate about doing as I love children, I've always got on better with children than I do with other adults but then I'm still childlike compared to most. I don't think that's a bad thing personally. I assume it's part of my ASD, I've heard others here in the past say they are also v childlike as well.

My ASD and my childlike nature is one of the reasons why I got the job in the first place. They also thought me being autistic would be good for some of the children who have disabilities.

When I'm there it's great. I have an amazing time! I read to the children, play games with them and basically just spend the day between 9am - 3:15pm having lots of fun with them. There's obviously more serious things to do like course work and obviously making sure the children stay safe from any potential dangers. But overall it's a fun and happy environment all day long.

So where's the problem?

My anxiety.

Anxiety is the biggest barrier in my life. I thought it was always going to be my social difficulties associated with ASD that would affect me most in life but it's the anxiety. It knocks me for six and at times can be v debilitating and that's something not many people actually seem to get. I'm lucky because the company that have employed me are more than understanding but I realise my anxiety can't keep affecting me the way it does because it's not good for me and it could potentially cost me my job. If it continues.

There's been several occasions in the last month alone where I was going in to work on a said day, they were expecting me but because of the anxiety I never went in. What normally happens is the days leading up to it the anxiety creeps in and the anxious feelings get stronger and stronger until the morning I'm expected in and it all blows up and hits me like a train! I'll then get the unwanted awful physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, sickness, upset stomach, pains and dizziness. It really is vile.

In the past I did approach the GP but they tried me on medication which had unbearable side effects and then I was referred to mental health who tried to treat my ASD despite me telling them there was no cure or treatment for it. They seemed to think it was a mental health problem and as we all know that's simply not the case. V annoying when professionals try to dismiss ASD as mental health.

So I gave them the push and have been trying to cope on my own. For a long time I did amazingly on my own and kept the anxiety in check but since working at this preschool since last November my anxiety has began to spiral out of control and affect me in big ways that actually leave me bedridden, sometimes for days after the initial anxiety has passed.

As I've said my employers are v understanding and that's something I really appreciate but I hate doing this to them. They always message back saying no problem at all. I understand. Feel better soon and we'll see you when you feel able to come in...

But it's embarrassing for me and v unfair on them. I really want to get better control of my anxiety but I am really unsure of how to do this without medical help from the GP. I thought of a therapist but the idea of talking to someone frightens me after my dealings with the mental health service. And I've tried practicing some mindfulness but I felt I could never fully relax and I think it didn't work for that reason. Every time I try and relax I've found I can't.

I'm sorry for such a long post but I'm at such a loss with this right now. It's v frustrating. I'm due in work on Monday, they'll be expecting me and once again I'm already starting to feel anxious and I dread on Monday I'll fail again and get hit by the train of anxiety and left with unpleasant symptoms to deal with.

Any help and suggestions you might have are always more than welcome.

TIA.